Tag: t_parent`twisterSms

see the post on parent`principles

[16] practice what I preach: above-average target, really@@

Posted on by tiger40490

To those who question my self-description that I am one of the parents who don’t care so much about my son’s exam results and only aim for above-average, here’s how I actually practiced what I preach:

  • I tried but stopped private tuition that worked on his weaker exam subjects
  • every day I spend time with my son on renzi, not test preparation
  • I record his daily renzi effort, not his test results
  • every Saturday I spend about 3 hours with my son on fitness training, more than I spend on his math + English combined.
  • everyday I spend time (When grandma is not around) with my son on piano
  • I didn’t blame him at all when he scored 16.5/20 in his math test. He made no careless or calculation mistake.
  • The only help I give on his Math is something unneeded for exams. Every week I would spend some time with him on mental arithmetic — multiplication verses + add/subtract within 20.
  • I didn’t work with him on grammar or English vocab for writing, even though these are needed for his English exams.

parent`principles(twisterSMS): too many

Posted on by tiger40490

There are many many books, websites, seminars… I think the principles are mostly the same as generations ago, with adaptations to deal with the new challenges…. 换汤不换药.

(Same can be said about relationships, management, leadership..) I only need a handful of books, learn a few dozen principles. The real challenge lies in the enforcement / execution / implementation of these few principles. People like to refer to them as “simple rules” .. simple to express, simple to understand, but not simple to enforce. For each simple principle, if 100 parents understand it, probably 99 would try it and 50 would give up and put it on shelf.

positive_parenting .. is one example.

Each parent can only enforce up to 20 principles before putting some “simple rules” on shelf. Therefore, each parent need to pick a small number and repeatedly review them (using tools like blogging). It’s same as any enforcement.

For many (simple) principles, there’s a lot of resistance from the parent herself, the other parent, or the kids. Therefore, it requires time, energy (and patience, tenacity…). Most of us lack both time and energy (and the rest). Therefore, we need prioritizing, and sacrifice. For me, if I see traction, then I don’t mind spending the time.

One of the tractions I see is blogging as self-analysis, and critical review.

[16] bmark – accept big underperformance NOW@@

Posted on by tiger40490

He has enough capacity to join the top 25% stream but I have carefully accepted he may not perform to his standard. I have accepted an above-average exam result, so long as Yixin puts in a “reasonable” effort.

Q: However, what if we leave him to himself and he doesn’t put in any reasonable effort and score way below his standard? Can we accept severe under-performance?

Acceptance means no scolding, no bitterness, no finger pointing, no regrets. Acceptance requires a big heart and 胸襟. Acceptance means unshaken confidence in him.

My answer — I am unable to but I’m working towards a rational, objective view. In such a situation, I would take bulk of the responsibility for not focusing on his ownership, self-drive, self-discipline, motivation.

[20] Kids ask: My parents’pride ] hav`ME as child #highlight sharp points

Posted on by tiger40490

Q: how does boy feel about parents’ pride in having him as a son?
Q: how does he feel when other parents talk about their kids in positive terms?
I seldom do. Grandpa said repeatedly that he is proud of ah-boy.
Q: how do I remind myself of this, among dozens of reminders?

  • English better than most kids in China
  • Chinese better than most kids in U.S.
  • Science
  • multiplication verse
  • gadgets
  • maps
  • social skills
  • kind to meimei
  • fast learner: piano, bicycle
  • height — lucky my boy is not too skinny or short
  • can swim
  • Grandma felt proud of his interpersonal qualities and skills
  • [s] I’m proud of his English learning, all without parents’ help.
  • [s] I’m proud he developed his own phonics rules to help himself cope with spelling tests. He can memorize many words (exceeding 5 letters) very quickly and exactly right.
  • [s] I’m proud he has original content and some details in his composition, even though there’s not too much detail and no fancy words to score high marks.
  • [s] I’m proud (at least once) he was able to complete 2 days worth of hand-writing practice within an hour.
  • [s] I’m proud he knows what unhealthy food to avoid. He never insists on getting some unhealthy food even though he really wants.
  • I’m proud of his willingness to co-operate when parents are serious.
  • I’m proud of his leadership quality at playgrounds
  • [s] I’m proud of his grasp of multiplication verses — not perfect but decent.
  • I’m proud of his piano progress. He was able to pass Grade 2. No mean achievement.
  • [s] I’m proud of his swimming progress. I’m sure some kids learn faster, but at least he learnt breast stroke and he didn’t give up.
  • [s] I’m proud his freestyle swim is improving and he didn’t give up in the face of slow progress.
  • I’m proud his maths problem solving shows clarity
  • [s] I’m proud at least his Jul 2016 maths test showed no real mistake, and his Aug maths test was 100%. No help from parents.
  • [s] I’m proud that he is improving his initiative in terms of doing his own homework without parents prompting
  • [s] I’m proud that he understands his duty to take care of his baby sister, even though not 100%. He never hurts her and never jealous.
  • [s = not comparing with his peers. We compare him to himself.]

[21]stop pushing boy@academic motivation #Rahul

Posted on by tiger40490

Background — I told Rahul that my son’s level of effort is lower than his classmates’, despite everything we have tried. He is not fixated on the marks. There’s an abundance of Extrinsic motivators in Singapore, all tied to the test results, but they proved ineffective in the face of his heavy resistance.

Right away, Rahul suggested we try to build his “internal locus of control” i.e. the positive feedback loop linking effort and satisfying result. “Parenting by Logical Consequences”. We want him to experience, see, realize that his effort, not luck, not talent, not parents’ whim, is the real reason for the satisfying result.

Rahul suggested encouraging him on non-academic domains [1] where his resistance to “effort” is lower. Rahul said “(in N months) when he realizes the importance of studies he might come back to studies and apply himself”, drawing a “C” curve in the air.

I think grandpa also said something similar — “give him more time. wait for a few years”.

[1] How about piano, badminton, swimming,

Years ago, I also said that I wish to see one domain where he puts in effort consistently for a long time. Now I think Piano and badminton are success stories. Perhaps we can help him learn programming too, but it would take too much time — my time and his time.

Basically de-emphasize benchmark performance.

I have 51% confidence that U.S. (and Australian) systems are more natural at the primary school level. Some kids learn better in U.S. system, while other kids may learn better in the Singapore system.

[20] parent`pains:G9 twister-SMS

Posted on by tiger40490

See also parent`pains:G5 keyword reminders

Trump uses power keywords to twist the story to his advantage. These twisters below /repaint/ the observation, the experience in a (positive) twist.

Mini cognitive therapy.

skater: verbal abuse as motivation #w1r1

Posted on by tiger40490

https://www.scmp.com/sport/china/article/3094201/singapore-figure-skater-jessica-shuran-yu-speaks-out-about-systemic

https://www.straitstimes.com/sport/figure-skating-singapores-2017-sea-games-champion-yu-shuran-opens-up-about-systemic-abuse-in

This revelation shed lights on how China/U.S./Britain/Japan etc produced so many Olympic champions. Not confined to China.

— brainwash “whatever it takes to win medals”
“I remember being nine years old and asked if I was willing to do whatever it takes to get to the Olympics. I said yes. There was no way I could have understood what I was saying yes to.”

What if it included sexual favor or sacrificing health?

— brainwash “you deserve it”
“Up until recently, I never acknowledged that what I went through was abuse.  … I was led to believe that I deserved it.”

— brainwash “coach cares about your results”
some parents had justified the coach’s actions by telling her that he “cares about your results” and “he thinks you have potential”.

“There’s almost this validation that people try to attach to it for me. I didn’t agree with that but at the same time, it got to my head in the sense that if everyone’s seeing this and no one’s doing anything about it, how wrong is it?”

— brainwash “sacrifice”
“Skating is a very enjoyable thing and yes, it’s a very difficult sport and it requires sacrifice and hard work. But that should always be rewarding and not in a way that’s done to make the athlete feel miserable.”

Remember the American TigarMom and her daughters’ view on the sacrifice and misery.

— constant, daily verbal abuse, similar to my practice
the verbal and mental abuse was consistent and she cannot remember a time without it

— negative labels
The verbal abuse was daily, she wrote, being called “Lazy. Stupid. Retarded. Useless. And fat.” That criticism of her weight and diet led Yu to question her “value as an athlete”

— produce results for ..
“We’re children but treated as robots and machines that are produced to get results, and then discarded after we’re done getting results.”

But Results for who? For parents, the coaching organization, the country. Results are also valuable for the athletes themselves but these athletes can’t make a living from the results. Even the highly paid boxers and NBA superstars can’t. Even Olympic champions can’t. If you are regional champion, then results are pretty much worthless after you retire.

joltParent`^1stAid ^parent`twisterSMS

Posted on by tiger40490
  • t_1stAid .. about acute pains
  • t_parentingTwisterSMS.. is an general principle, encapsulated into a SMS, but not about acute pains
  • t_joltParenting .. is not a principle.

Given joltParenting is overcrowded, I propose to use Sticky, t_fuxi ec to create subgroups.

These tags should Not convert to header keywords. Tags are more convenient — browsing,,,