(A personal blog. no need to reply)

Even when I was dating, or lunching with a job interviewer, or dining with a client alone (2004-2005) I probably exhibited those “stick-out” behaviors, even though i was often careful, even nervous.

To please and impress the interviewer, I feel it is more important to hide my nervousness, and act like an open (not pretentious), pleasant conservationist.  It’s embarrassing if I can’t carry a conversation over lunch. I feel it’s possible that the interviewer (or clients) felt i was eccentric, stubborn, insensitive, inconsiderate.

I didn’t tell you that my body language and communication style (with all of those stick-out eccentricities) seemed to be a selling point during job interviews, both in US and Singapore. Some interviewers felt “not a good fit” but many liked my tech and personality. Some said they “connected” with me. Some said they liked my truthfulness.

Self-presentation during job interview is an art and a science. Practice does make perfect. I had my eccentricities, but i also had a fairly large number of interviews as real-life practice sessions. I know i’m a bit of an eccentric, but recall few interviewers having problem with that. I never felt empathy was a problem.

I met many mildly “unusual” people — my sister, my mom, Tao Yi Yang, Zhang Lei, Li Yong Jin, Xue Jing… They have better perceptiveness and empathy and don’t get kicked out by managers. My mom would argue with restaurant waiters over less-than-perfect dishes on 50% of those days we dine out with guests.

Taking a step back, the 2 most important times to impress my manager
1) the day of job interview
2) the years after getting hired

I have known for years that I fare better in 1) than 2). My eccentricities and empathy issues show up slowly.

In 2007 I woke up one day and realized my java interviews were failing 95% of the time, so I had to change to survive. In contrast, my empathy is not such a show-stopper during interviews and was not show-stopper during work, so I didn’t feel the urgency. After GS and Citi, i have to improve my empathy with manager (and colleagues and users).

(No need to reply me…)

My friends told me it's not easy to find tibco documentation. I feel lucky and grateful about those docs you generously gave me.

Your “empathy” advice is really simple and memorable – it's a simple word I remember almost everyday now. I guess i tend to tense up when I try to focus on “empathy”. In other words, it's stressful and tiring to focus on empathy, a bit like watching my own breathing/pitch while talking to people. What i end up doing is — remind myself about empathy from time to time. It helps.

Also, i feel my father isn't empathetic and he's a big influence. I might not have the very best upbringing in terms of empathy training, but that's not meant to unload responsibility (there's no 100% flawless parent in this world) and not a statement of fatalism. I do need to (constantly) look for role models around me – i can think of a few right away.

Talk to you again — i do enjoy writing long diary-style emails to far-away friends, but feel no pressure to read or reply please. I hope you see i'm flexible on this part:)

Wish you and family great health in the new year.