I told dabao that I love him. That’s sincere. But at times I really want him to feel punished and fearful.
I feel I am enduring and sacrificing so much. I want him to feel my pain and suffering.
Tag: t_intro66
often deeper, more penetrating, more focused (limited-scope) introspection than t_soulSearch
chin-up =strategic #CAD
k_CAD k_X_细水长流
— CAD implication .. I still can do up to 100 in a day, but I am not so brave, so eager to prove.
To protect my still-intact, healthy, strong heart, I may need 细水长流
- “spread-out” into sets of 10s
- longer rests in between for the heart rate to normalize. If I start too late in the day, then settle with 40. 50 can be a good daily target.
- avoid pushing close to my physical limit
- prefer slow-n-steady pull, not explosive all-out pulls with powerful kicks
— [3] initial mental hurdle .. I guess my target for chin-up is usually too high.
In the past, I would typically aim at 10 chin-up or 40 push-up in a session. I think the start-up is harder for chin-up. 5 chin-up = 20 push-up.
Now I try to adjust the target to lower the initial mental hurdle. “90 to qualify if 15×4”
— Retraining .. chin-up (and stretch) is dreadful, but not for push-up or cardio !
— realistic goal .. would be one a day, but such a goal doesn’t generate positive feedback. I remember my yoga goal was one minute a day. I managed to change my perception to feel good about it. For chin-up, I need the same change of perception.
— constant tendency to quit, after every pull…. There’s a difference between climbing Everest vs climbing an equivalent number of stairs during covid lockdown. It’s much easier to maintain your focus on the real Everest. In contrast, with the stairs you fight a constant battle against the natural tendency to quit.
Consistent Chin-up (and yoga) practice is more like stairs, while Everest is more like jogging, swimming, basketball.
— To prolong the brief power_surge,
- Since 1st week of Mar 2022, I have devised a sugar coating “100 chin-up achieved today halves the criteria for tomorrow”.
- I am experimenting with another sugar coating “15×4 would reduce today’s target total down to 90”
- I also reduced the frequency to a few times a month, rather than strictly once a week.
— Self-talk matters .. My self-talk affects my perception of reality. This perception affects my actions.
— strategic .. I often tell my friends that chin-up is the single most strategic (more so than yoga), most revealing guage of a man’s fitness. It pits body weight against some big but less-used upper body muscles. Those muscles are my weakness. They are also the weakness of most of my cohort.
As we age, the needle (on the guage) would move against us, /slowly-but-surely/, becuase 1)muscle loss 2)BMI
Q: among the 6 IPPT tests, why is chin-up most feared?
A: sit-up and push-up do not lift entire bodyweight; 2.4k is easier for many reservists who are regular joggers; shuttle-run(non-IPPT) is short distance; sit-n-reach (non-IPPT) doesn’t decline with age before 40;
— consistency .. Consistent chin-up has always felt too demanding, too challenging if the “consistency” bar inches up. For example, “100/D, 1D/wk for 3M” has always been too demanding until early Mar 2022. If the bar becomes “15×7/D, 1.5D/wk for 3M” , then too high.
The most frequent question is “how many months can you keep up?” Sometimes I see it as a brief power_surge in terms of /absorbency/. The current power_surge is the longest ever, starting early Mar 2022. Usually, I can reach consistency for a few weeks, and then I would find myself no longer looking forward to it, partly due to the initial hurdle[3]. Compared to jogg, this practice requires more courage to overcome the initial hurdle. It requires more self-motivation to counter the rmSelf’s resitance.
— consistent chin-up compared to other consistent efforts
This, along-with CRE, BMI(highest!) and E-vocab, are higher strategic value than “renzi”/math coaching, coding drill(60s?), piano, exp recon
This, along with yoga, are harder to maintain (longer than a few months) than BMI and all other consistent efforts.
==== muscle-up .. not as valuable as chin-up, in the long run. For example, the ability to do one muscle-up is much less valuable than the ability to do 5 chin-up.
— benefits: this will be probably the biggest ever physical feat in my life. See other feats.
It will be a boost of self-image.
— incremental practices:
- practice climb-up beside the salad shop. This is slightly easier than single-bar push-up
- focus on explosive power. Without it, my curl-up was very hard. Without it, most people would not be able to get up
- chin-up up to 20 reps to build up strength, but stamina, slow rise don’t help.
- .. more effective is a small count of explosive pulls to hit the bar with lower chest
— forearmLevel bar
- reduce initial bounce, to rely more on the pull
- stand further back, to rely more on the pull
- add-on weight, to add resistance
— single-bar push-up, as Gavin suggested.
Never practiced in my life.
Even if I don’t improve a lot, this practice should be beneficial.
— don’t aim too high and risk the engine-loss-of-power
Even if I don’t achieve it, i will gain strength (for a few years) relative to my weight.
I believe I have a fair chance. My confidence (i.e. estimate of the chance) has grown from 1% to 5% now.
— budget for training? $2k. I think a trainer can help me make it happen
wrist wrap: can increase the amount of practice because .. My first and weakest link is the grip.
— There are many video, but I should really pace myself rather than binge-watch.
Each video I watch could provide a bit of boost to my motivation.
noHunger到家..appetite out@ctrl
See other analogs in in libido ≅ Availability situation
— Analog 3: you sustain an injury [like a bruise] during a basketball game, you notice the pain when you take a shower, or carry a chair. The fixation of your attention during the game tends to numb your nerves and protects you from the physical pain, so the physical pain wasn’t felt. When the fixation is removed, the pain invariably kicks in. This has nothing to do with weakness or loss-of-control. In a similar way, I sometimes come home not feeling hungry because 1) been preoccupied with office “engagements” 2) no unexpected enticing foods in office stash. As soon as I reach home, the recent memory reminds me to look in the fridge.
- If (on the rare occasion) there’s nothing enticing, then I would be disappointed yet relieved. Unaffected by any appetite out of control.
- if there is some nice food I have avoided for a while, then usually the separation has intensified the craving.
- if there is any nice food even if recently eaten, then automatically, naturally, in an entirely healthy and human process, the suppressed appetite wakes up, and derails my diet plan.
Q: However, in Bayonne home, my fridge did have enticing foods, so why was I in better control of my appetite?
A: unexpected foods ! Those Bayonne foods [ice cream, pudding..] were carefully chosen and well-hidden in my stash so that they won’t wake up the suppressed appetite.
The noHunger sensation is unreliable. It’s unfair to accuse myself as a weakling, based on complete misperceptions. The appetite on rampage is completely natural, and triggered by identifiable stimuli.
— reaching home after dining out
Q: re the unexpected food in the home stash, why it’s not a problem when I come home after a buffet?
A: no prolonged separation. no compensation-seeking.
Jolt: If a previous restaurant meal was a controlled_indulgence i.e. not satisfying enough, then the unexpected food in home stash would still awaken the appetite !
— prolonged endurance, on the verge
Analogy 2: after a 24H connected flight, I often felt “not sleepy”, but I would fall asleep often as soon as I reach home. It proves that the noSleepy sensation was unreliable.
Similarly, after fasting 16 (or even 20) hours, I often felt “no hunger”, but as soon as I release myself, the suppressed appetite would emerge. The noHunger sensation easily wiped out by any unexpected enticing food. It is on the verge, but a healthy human could maintain that sensation for probably a few days, pushing the limit of endurance.
As explained in prolonged separation intensifies attraction, a prolonged separation could appear to weaken appetite significantly, but the appetite is dormant.
— watermelon in Bayonne ^ TPY
In Bayonne home, when I return home after yoga and feel hungry, I sometimes eat lots of watermelon + other fruits to satisfy the hunger. Why doesn’t it work in TPY home? My answer is the availability of many unexpected enticing foods. Some hit separation->attraction. You can call it wrong-time, wrong-food, wrong-quantity temptation, but is very natural reaction.
stand-desk: micro-workout
k_ctbz
— ska .. This analysis is another evicence of self-knowledge-advantage. I takes introspective effort to understand why something like this works for me much better than other people.
— low mood .. [low-energy or sad mood]. In this mood, the act of standing at the desk provides … a small boost. Somewhat similar to exp recon.
My habit of keeping track of standing minutes each day … helps me focus on the positive, esp. in low mood.
— easy incremental workout .. Similar to squats, climbing stairs, lotus sitting,,,, standing at desk provides easy ways to “improve” the physical condition and induce positive energy.
Usually I need an hour of standing, but sometimes, even 10m can make me feel good about myself… ctbz
Q: why some people enjoy standing on train, but I would rather stand at desk?
%%A: no right or wrong. I like to read/write on train.
##CAD: grievings
Decades ago, many ordinary workers would spend many hour commuting by foot. They have to.
You may feel pity for them.
But that’s not a medical condition.
k_CAD .. k_ascetic .. k_X_细水长流 .. k_sinkingXp
The CAD chance discovery was a sinking experience, a huge blow, a lightning strike, and I was temporarily disoriented. This bpost is a loose collection of various losses behind my grieving. In this introspection, precision is not required. (Note “griefs” and “grievings” are both rare plural words.)
Slowly, many of the griefs have been absorbed, /sunk in/. A few griefs were initially exaggerated and now look less grave than other challenges of everybody’s life. I feel this bpost has been effective in this process.
Q: what’s my biggest grief following the CAD diagnosis?
A: the reassuring and valuable “parachute” of WStC for the last chapter of my career. (A longer introspection could go into a separate bpost in the gz blog.)
For some people, smoke/alcohol are essential to quality of life. For me, Q@L includes intimacy, workout, fruits, cakes,, Losing these freedoms or cutting back on these pleasures really cut deep esp. for loss of intimacy. However, sicne my 40s I have progressively given up lots of cakes, fried starch,,,,
For GM, GP and Sherry, loss of mobility is a heavier grief, and heavier blow.
— life expectancy, my chance to stay with my kids till they grow to middle-age…. has dropped to a G5 item even before my 25 Apr review session. Not really my biggest grief.
In contrast, a cancer diagnosis is often more /grave/. Cancer is harder to arrest. Cancer treatments entail more sacrifices/suffering.
— With Yuyun, I briefly explored other traumatic/disabling diseases… Each a sinking feeling when it hits. What is the invisible thread that runs through?
- I told Yuyun about EDyw .. prolonged grieving
- I told Yuyun about colostomy
- I told Yuyun about dreaded t2dm .. see notes about “ALL sweet”
- I told Yuyun about dialysis .. 3 times a week. Huge loss of freedom
- how about hearing loss .. grandma
- how about mobility .. grandpa, young colleagues
- how about 破相 ..
Level of grief depends on the age when we lose something valuable. See DALYs [ disability-adjusted life years]. At 50, I had a “50% CAD” diagnosis but no stent.
— grieving .. over .. the freedom to sleep late. Some healthy young people can sleep late without health impact (though it’s not a healthy habit).
I will need to avoid overnight flights, too.
Perhaps this grief is a nudge (or jolt) to improve my sleep higiene. Over the years, I often notice that morning noise is bad for my sleep.
Only in epa job, I had the precious option of swing shift, but after CAD, my wife urged to work regular hours.
— grieving over .. the freedom to enjoy a wide range of exercises .. has dropped to a G7 item. I was never able to do skating, rock-climbing,,,
Strech exercise … no “grief”
consider YY.T’s grieving over his freedom to run. He had to replace it with swimming.
==== grieving over food freedom ..
I started my “grieving” 10+ years ago due to cholesterol. Even earlier, since my teenage, I have long given up the freedom to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. Such an unconstrained freedom gave my kids constipation and tooth decay, and gave me overweight.
~~ How about Total Gastrectomy.. I have heard about two such cases within 2 weeks after my CAD diagnosis! Gastrectomy would entail huge diet restrictions. Still, the survivors can live a normal life.
~~ grieving over .. “sweet foods”
Q: to prevent t2dm, will I have to avoid (not eliminate) ALL sweet foods [cakes, chocolates, many fruits,,,]
I told Huimei that fortunately sugary foods without starch/fat are not so attractive to me…
However, when Dr Leow warned me about the very big impact (not “risk”) of t2dm, I had a sinking feeling .. I may need to further restrain myself.
Perhaps this is a valuable jolt (or nudge) to adopt more strict but healthier diet habits. Not ascetic though. I don’t think anyone in my shoes would become 100% strict. (Huimei said “quality of life”.) I refuse to benchmark myself with 苦行僧/ascetic, whose existence is in my imagination only. I refuse to beat myself up.
yoga !=supposed2b %%#1weakness #realYoga
k_X_focusing_illusion
Each person, me included, has some flexible areas and some stiff/tight areas. My overall flexibility is (possibly above) average among men of my age. Most of the men I see are Chinese, Indian or Caucasian, with slight differences in average stiffness.
Even when compared to women regardless of age, I am probably average. I can recall my observations in Bayonne and the ClassPass yoga. Many women praised my flexibility in various poses. Many yoga instructors told me (quite honestly) that I’m not so extremely tight compared to many, but I tend to forget or brush them off.
Only in RealYoga do I feel a consistent and visible weakness. I feel like a weakling, a handicapped person. Unknown to me, RealYoga members are mostly advanced practitioners. RealYoga is possibly the wrong place to start for a self-conscious beginner.
Primarily based on RealYoga experience, I tell people my flexibility is my biggest weakness. It has become a body image problem.
Q: why did I care that much about my “handicap” in flexibility but not my handicap in .. stutter, slow handwriting, yellowish skin?
A: focusing illusion. RealYoga sessions always focuses my attention on the relative weakness and limitation. The focusing illusion exaggerates the importance of flexibility, and exaggerates my Relative weakness.
That weakness is also obvious when I compare myself to a published instruction on any yoga pose.
Q: what’s the published vs experienced difficulties (or dangers) due to inflexibility?
— Q: what’s the published vs experienced benefits of stretch, breathing or meditation?
The published studies are from different sources. Together they prove beyond a reasonable doubt that yoga has no major side effects. As to the benefits, studies often say “can improve …”. It reminds me of my myopic treatments in Beijing [laser, massage] and my Indian colleagues’ experience of ginseng.
Experienced benefits are more obvious (will not elaborate today) in CRE and strength. Some of those benefits are shared with (the strenuous form of) yoga.
Experienced pains of poor CRE/strength are more obvious (will not elaborate today).
Flexibility does (I believe) help reduce probability and severity of injuries. I also believe in delaying the decline of flexibility. The decline is inevitable for 99% of men, due to aging.
However, the yoga-style deep stretch may not improve flexibility, partly because the improvement has a half_life = 1week.
mental image: HappyMediocreChild having limited zqbx
k_X_power_descriptor
I need to keep this image of my kids. It is a good + practical goal
I can see that if academic pressure were lower (as in the U.S.), and his relative academic weakness were not so visible, then everyone would be happier.
In fact, I think his P1 and P2 years are just like that.
with numerical scores (not grades), situation would appear worse.
— For the long horizon, I have told myself to accept a happy mediocre child. This prospect feels similiar to my personal weaknesses in FOLB:
* Chinese compo weakness in Grade7-8
* limited leadership capacity
— For the short term, I need to accept a below-average level of zqbx, mtv, determination, confidence, drive, self-control, goal/desire…
Grandpa calls it immaturity.
##eg: cross`road@bike: #1 misstep
Impatience at “closing doors” or crowded escalators .. are less harmful. Impatience at RED traffic light is a special case. It is the most dangerous case of impatience.
(Perhaps 5 seconds before reaching the junction), focus on breathing (deep breathing, hold it, and breath out. ) and muscle relaxation. Get off the bike or lean on something to help yourself relax.
Observe the body reactions [eye brow, breathing, faster steps]
self-talk.. engage the impatient self (sys1?). A wise man rushes not. Only a fool rushes.
Q: what if I miss a green light, and get stuck at this red for a minute? What does the 1 minute delay cost me?
classic misstep/mis-judgement
— too lucky… I have been TOO lucky over the numerous traffic accidents, and always escaped without injury.
I may benefit from a real injury, like my dad’s injury on a braking bus. The injury would teach me a lesson.
— This reckless behavior is more serious than most other threats (Over the last 30 years, I have consistently failed to recognize this elephant in the room)
- Crippling injury while crossing street on bike is more serious than losing my job.
- Becoming disabled due to crossing street is more serious than investment woes.
- Losing my limbs (paralyzed from the neck down) is more serious than losing my marriage, custody,,
- Losing any one limb is worse than conviction and imprisonment
- Going through rehab after a road-crossing accident (assuming handicap) is worse than a PIP + humiliating bonus
- Injury to a kid is worse than the kid taking drugs
- A handicap due to road crossing on bike is worse than losing my memory capacity due to aging
This threat is bigger than just about every threat in my world, but failed to stay in the top 3, not even top 10 in my mind.
It was plausible to avoid U.S. simply because of illicit drug hazard. Similarly, I should consider giving up my bicycle simply because of road crossing.
==== changing my 30Y habit ..
Following dumb safety practice, we should make no judgement of traffic condition for potential crossing opportunity. Instead, start observing the hidden dangers[3], as advised by counsellor Lim. We don’t need to look left and right when our light is red. Instead we just wait, while observing the sky, plants and other interesting things around.
[3] A classic hidden danger and a pattern: At a controlled junction, even when I’m slow-moving while crossing a road, some drivers may be too focused on the traffic light to notice me. Many people are completely relaxed and inattentive when they see a green light. Worse still, when I’m on crossing on bike, I’m faster, and it’s is even harder for drivers to notice me.
Unusual Sugg: if you see red light for pedestrians, but still want to cross the street, then better cross at a point away from the traffic light (which is red for pedestrians, green for drivers). The further you go from the traffic signal the safer. Drivers would subconsciously assume a child can dash to the road. Drivers are more alert, and would focus on the road rather than the green traffic light right in front. The green light tells driver to “relax” and ignore pedestrians.
Cognitive self-help to correct a deep-rooted (reasoning ) habit, which has moved from sys2 to sys1. I guess this /battle/ is (to varying degrees) similar to the battles over gambling, punctuality, forgetfulness, flirting, recycling, disrespectful remarks,,,, where cognitive effort is in doubt. But right now I have no other means of self-help. Cognitive self-help is better than being helpless. I choose to believe in self-talk. “Change your perception/attitude through self-talk, and change your risky behavior.”
Counsellor Lim said people who self-talk are smarter, as proven scientifically. I guess these individuals are more self-aware, more observant, linguistically stronger (in whatever mix of languages they employ).
— reminders .. I assumed it was ineffective to remind my son about crossing road. How about the constant public reminder of drink-n-drive? I think it is not effective enough but better than no reminder.
We have cautionary reminders about wallet, phone, switch-off, locking door. They are effective for me.
sugg: reminder stickers in….
sugg: design passwords around road crossing
Sugg: ask wife and kids to give me specific reminders not generic ones
sugg: keep count how many times I waited at a pedestrian crossing red light even when there is no vehicle in sight.
Q: why I failed to learn from my real, serious mistakes in the same way as I learned with compliance, or with my exams?
A: I guess the realized painful consequence was still too light. Was I trying to play down the risk?
Perhaps a higher being has sent me a message repeatedly but I have ignored it.
Q: re the graphic, horrific photographs of human remains .. as shown on (Singapore) cigarette packaging and in 北京火车站 wall posters, are they morbid or necessary?
A: I think for someone who has been hit many times, these images may be the shocking, jolting, stomach-churning reminders he needs to stop his reckless actions.
==== analysis / pattern of sys1 risky behavior
- red light for pedestrian.. When there’s pedestrian path, but no pedestrian traffic light, my sys1 feel less safe. It is actually safer because drivers know to stop.
- At a blind corner, I (sys1) often proceed with over-confident misassumptions about what’s behind the corner. The faster I ride, the less likely drivers can see me coming.
- impatience and over-smart. See [3].
- dumb pedestrians and dumb traffic light .. Cigna counselor pointed out the traffic light systems were designed based on evidence. They appear inefficient but they reduce accidents.
- unnecessary judgement .. a habit of unnecessary judgement. Being a passenger is safer than driving because drivers need to make assessments and decisions.
- the incidents were always involve my misstep, while the driver had a green light. At spots (eg: ChuliaSt) without traffic lights, most drivers become more /watchful/, though they still can hit a jaywalker.
- sometimes I have limited visibility, and tend to assume “safe for me”. Other times I have visibility.
* at familiar and frequent hotspots, I often feel more bold/reckless, following a habit (sys1). I guess this category accounts for 90% of my reckless actions.
* At unfamiliar spots(many of the listed incidents), I also cross recklessly on bike, and sometimes on foot
— incidents: Cross street on bike, when cars doesn’t move after pedestrian light turns RED. I basically assumed it was still OK to cross !
- In Clementi (1994-98) I had one physical hit by a car
- Outside TPY stadium, I had the most dangerous near-death while crossing on bike, against a red light. My toddler boy was presumably on my bike. All of the visible vehicles were stopped, so I assumed no vehicle would be coming my way. In hindsight, I think those stopped vehicles might be waiting to turn right, or they could be slowly starting to move.
- In White Plains (2017-18), I (on bike) had many more street crossing attempts (dangerous!) when cars were starting and heading towards me.
- in Apr 2018, I was cycling from JC to Bayonne along Ocean Ave. There were many small streets crossing Ocean Ave, mostly quiet, so I quickly learned to ignore the red lights as I cycled down Ocean Ave. Then one of the junctions was not sooo quiet. I had a red light but I ignored it. From behind a blind corner a car raced towards the junction (as he had a green light). The driver managed to stop before hitting me !
- On Sunday 27 May 2018 I was cycling to north in NYC. My light turns green, so I went ahead to cross the street. But I also decided to cross to the west. Then a yellow taxi headed south. Lucky his speed was not too fast so he was able to stop
a meter from me. In hind sight, subconsciously I felt crossing to the west was also under green light.
On foot:
- About 5-10 times till 2022, I often cross against Red on foot, only to turn back upon seeing vehicles coming my way.
- During CNY 2023, I was rushing from CapitaSpring to CapitaGreen to meet my friend Tianjue. Waiting to cross Church street. Traffic stopped due to red light, so I decided to walk across 5 lanes of stopped cars. The gaps between the lanes were too narrow for any car, so I dropped my guards. Then I was caught unprepared when a motorbike zoomed past right in front of me. I had to push on the passing bike to stop myself from falling onto it. The push was not hard enough to knock the driver down, but it was dangerous for both of us. I should have paid him $2000 compensation.
library immersion ] younger years
buy`||fix`things → attachment #own creation #planks
This topic is “fertile” and needs a more memorable title.
The simple decision to buy something is a serious decision comparable to having (or adopting) a child, or starting a book… You not only have to live with that thing you bought, it also needs care and feeding. I feel the key factor is “liquidation” cost. Examples:
- A child is not sellable. Full stop.
- A book project ….if stopped half way, is a wasted effort
- A house ..if you don’t live there and can’t rent or sell, will go to ruin without repair
- some long-term derivative contract are very hard to unwind. In contrast, many financial products are easy to sell.
- purchased vs free books/magazines .. purchased -> attachment
The bottom line … buying something is a decision with long term consequences.
— enhancement of an old or cheap product.. Eg: The glass bookcase .. I spent 20-40 min enhancing the base, the wall-anchor, shifting the shelves ,,, /optimizing/ it , so I have developed an attachment… to “my own creation”.
But this old bookcase could lose usability due to wear-n-tear. Expected lifespan is 2-6Y. So my attachment and valuation are … “too high”
— The spare planks … I collected like a dozen planks free of charge. My Attachment? Not sure why. They still entail a cost of ownership. They increase load on the shelves, complicate moving, rearranging and finding things buried underneath. I used to put them in meter rooms, but still they complicated “finding things”
I want to discard the big pieces, the particle wood pieces (keep the solid wood pieces)
— The Christian God created mankind in His own likeness. Therefore, He cares about us. In the same vein, we are deeply attached to our personal creations, not only our children.
eg: If you worked hard to enroll into a top school that you personally chose, then you tend to have more motivation to keep up your grades and professional reputation.
eg: If you spent lots of t$ transporting, enhancing the product, then you will have a hard time letting go or liquidating it (attachment). However, experimenting and learning curve, with the tcost, is part of life. A blunt measurement like ROTI can be ruthlessly unfair to the small but meaningful DIY projects.
- eg: t-investments in legacy ikea desk [height, screws,,,] increases my attachment
- eg: pink or white bookcase .. sagging shelf fix … t-investment increases my attachment
- eg: glass bookcase
- eg: stand`desk handle fix