[19] not leftBehind@any front: real feat

I used to feel that my son is one part of me that’s left behind. Now I think he may not go to a top college but he will go to college and find a decent job.


See also wake up1day..left behind #serenity

Since my teenage years I have suffered so much from, and endeavored to avoid, the pain of “left-behind” by so-called peers (chosen so randomly !! )… This pain is fairly similar to FOMO. This pain is the opposite of “other peoples’ envy” concept.

  • early eg: Chinese compo
  • early eg: Y-junction flexibility — I was visibly the weakest in middle school
  • eg: income and brank including startup — see notes below
  • eg: academic kids
  • advanced education credential (UChicago) is an achievement in itself, like a competition title, even if it creates no increased earning.
  • see also the list of “freedom_from_unwanted..” in ##[19] living%%dream life,here-n-now #Detach, such as
    • immigration concerns
    • debt and cash flow concerns
    • overweight — affecting more than half my peers
    • PIP, damaged goods

Remember the movie [[Brad’s status]]? Somehow, miraculously, by age 40 I have achieved at least average status on the east front, north front, south-west front, … virtually ALL fronts. What an incredible feat. I can’t emphasize this point enough.

In other words, on every [1] game important to me, I have achieved enough to avoid the deep emotional pain of left-behind. I wonder how many people can say the same. Pretty rare achievement.

Some of these pains are possibly /neurotic/, but I don’t want to activate the self2judge today. In real life, there are many very real pains not related to left-behind, such as neck pain, appetite, sleep, divorce, family tension.. but these more “real” pains are actually less important to my personality (than to the average guy). From age 15 till now, my #1 frequent pains and deepest pains have always been … left-behind. See the t_1stAid blog tag.

[1] There are some “games” I did care about in my 30’s and 40’s …

— [1] startup dream — for years I had a romanticized dream about tech startups, mostly created in the U.S. pop culture. I often felt left behind when I hear of someone (either considered a peer or not) getting into the startup game. Best example is Zhu Jiang !

— [1] brank — best example is Yiyang. Still a source of deep pain of “left-behind”

— for all of the above.

I have achieved a lot (cf my peers) in many games like wellness, ffree, branded degree, career longevity,,, but still, to earn the worldly, materialistic OtherPeople’sEnvy (OPE), I need to move up (or start up).

This has been the stonewall I hit over and over throughout my career….

Not my game, and I gave up years ago. I think it was wise of me to give up. Over the years I have been working on the give-up, the stonewall, the OPE, and slowly mellowing up.

Now I’m older and wiser. Zhu Jiang, Yiyang… may not have my blessings — my SGP citizenship,,,, my retirement provisions,,,,, my low-stress easy life,,,,, my dev-till-70 path and depth-of-market providing choices,,,,, my overall health,,,,, my healthy and loving parents,,,,,

Q: what’s more important? Other people’s envy or my blessings.

visProgress^FOMO^ ocEffective^ envy^semi

k_X_FOMO_v_livelihood .. k_semi_kai3mo2

  • T_effectiveOC — personal capabilities, more specific, more narrow
  • t_FOMO — about the fear. more broad
  • .. FOMO^livelihood — more specific about the contrast, contradiction, misPerception. More specific than mellow.
  • T_semi_kai3mo2 [definition] — focused on specific and comparable individuals as kai3mo2[role model], usually with strength, character, rather than dumb luck. T_semiK3m2 is an abbreviation of T_questionable_roleModel
  • t_envy .. jealous, zi4bei1, but not some individuals perceived as in my socioeconomic strata
  • —– Above are the negative themes; Below are the positive themes
  • visPgress — is more general with a wider scope.

midlife_crisis #timetable@self-growth

k_X_power_descriptor

This blogpost is 40% about my personal experience, and 60% about my cohort. See also

The Royal Society lecture focused on midlife crisis for men. “Now in my 40s I have not achieved [1] much” (i.e. my targets) is a rude awakening for many middle-aged men. Those specific-n-measurable targets that we were instructed to formulate are a double-edged sword:

  1. Those targets serve to focus our laser energy.
  2. They also sharpens the focus on our so-called failures. They often sow the seed for the midlife crisis and self-hate.

If you write down the specific targets, there are variations of themes in career, parenting, financial etc. A measurable target like “$500k-by40” would become uninspiring when most of your peers exceed that target much earlier. So the real target in our subconscious might be exclub-related.

[1] Achieve, Perform, Success, Pride, Status, (self-)respect .. are all pegged to the exclub, FOLB and self-hate.

I think rather few professional men perceive wellness or resilient marriage as a top 3 target… wrong priority!

Among the major targets, many (esp. Asian) parents would include “academic kids” but I can be a successful parent if my kids grow up to live a healthy, happy, fulfilled but mediocre life without academic or professional success. Actually, most parents’ lives are really mediocre, including mine. Not raising academic kids is not a failure and should not contribute to midlife crisis.

Q: Do I feel a midlife crisis and why?
A: As of 2021, Overall I seldom feel a midlife crisis, perhaps because I have achieved many of my targets. A number (?) of them are based on peer comparison, but I tend to perceive all my targets as based on rational, critical assessment of family livelihood needs, not herd instinct.
A: Occasionally I hit a small midlife crisis when I feel ineffective in academic parenting, or on the brank benchmark… The more fixated on the brank [exclub, FOLB], the bigger that crisis looms.
A: in conclusion, if I ever felt a non-trivial midlife crisis, it is rooted in peer comparison [exclub, vanity, FOLB…]

Q: how about a high-flyer peer in my age group? Does he hit a secret midlife crisis?
A: I think high-flyers often do, in terms of marriage failure (about 30% of my peers), wellness [work/life balance per HF.Sun], job insecurity [S.Liu], Brbr [pressure to save up millions]… If a guy has none of these crises, then he may still feel missing one of his targets, as his benchmark group are a higher exclub. Remember that the SDXQ homes are comparable to Orchard mansions. Therefore, to avoid the midlife crisis, we must reject exclub benchmarking, stay loyal to the self and family, and keep a steadfast focus on the real priorities.

— timetable .. “There exists a socially prescribed timetable for the ordering of major life events: a time in the life-span when men and women are expected to marry, a time to raise children, a time to retire” — Bernice Neugarten. An individual (me included) would often recognize in hindsight that this prescribed timetable is not suitable or ideal for herself. Individual differences are bigger than expected. We don’t all fit the same mold.

As I told grandpa, we tend to notice that among the “visible success stories”, the biggest age group is 40-50, bigger than 50-60. This is such a statistical misperception:

  • many of these “visible success” individuals suffer ill-health(work-life imbalance, hazardous stress..), marriage breakdown (broken family), poor career longevity, job insecurity, financial ill-health (Brbr, debt..)
  • many of these “visible success” individuals would fall out of the leading pack later in life

There’s also a timetable according to the subculture of “personal growth” — some group of individuals subscribe to a timetable of personal growth and mastery. By a certain age, we are supposed to reach certain levels of self-discipline, self-mastery, enlightenment, simplification, wisdom, perceptionOfReality. Specific things like exercise, yoga, diet, writing, interpersonal skills, slow speech, patience, investment insight … Well, there is no such timetable. As we grow at our own pace, we hope to become wiser, stronger on some of these things but if we don’t, it’s actually normal.  Should not lead to midlife crisis.

exclub: wealthy Chn investors@Jill !!superior #MAPIC

 


I met with Dr Soo for a short while, with Jill’s introduction. He described his China clients speaking of investing “至少一个亿 (RMB)”. I felt diminished and disqualified by the exclub (exclusive club).

  • doubt: talking vs investing… Many people talk about $X but when it comes to payment date, only invests $0.05X. I’m one of these “cautious investors”.
  • jolt: an even higher exclub… these same people would feel belittled when they meet a tycoon 10 times richer. Why do we have to feel belittled in the first place?
  • jolt: carefree ezlife .. How many of these people have a carefree easy life like mine at my age?
  • UChicago .. on a minor note, how many of these guys have a reputable degree as a personal achievement?

Q: But why the hell do I care about a f**king $100M when I have enough to spend for my lifetime, as MMM would say?
A: I think this is really exclub for the sake of exclub

Some similar experience:

  • At MAPIC, how did I feel when I heard about the multiple properties those guys own? I guess most of them are leveraged.
  • How did I feel when year ago I heard stock investors talking about the multiple stocks they own?
  • How did I feel about MD job titles my previos peers have earned? Perhaps double my salary, but also lots of stress and job insecurity.
  • How did I feel when decades ago I came across a graduate of an ivy league?

Now I have some insider info, my envy and FOLB (for these exclubs) is undergoing “release and unwind”.

— more important than the exclub of high net worth .. is the exclub of healthy longevity, i.e. the “club” of individuals who get to live a long healthy life.
Q: Who do you envy more? Which exclub do you choose if you can choose only one?

I never thought about these two choices. How obvious is it now !

— more important than the exclub of high net worth .. is the exclub of harmonious family.
Many of those wealthy China clients probably don’t have that. With their fame, riches, power and influence, they suffer.

Now I recall the Church gatherings. Rich families and modest families mingle, but I can’t tell the difference.

 

## keywords related to FOMO

The influence of FOMO is pervasive i.e. deep and wide , in my mentality and in our society, culture and /collective psyche/. It takes many shapes and forms which required different descriptive words and metaphors.

I am a person of written words, abstract words, precise words. I need these words to reason, analyze, clarify, solve problems, discover and understand myself.

— FOMO/FOLB is a good pair. Compact form, good for blog titles
— kiasu  — rich meaning in Singapore. Same scope as FOMO.
— inferiority complex — rich meaning
— exclub — short acronym with fairly rich meaning.
This word has no online literature as FOMO/kiasu have. I have a /free hand/ to define its usage scope
— vainity — (虚荣) an actual English word !
— 虚空 — rich Buddhist meaning, different emphasis from FOMO.

##[20] Stealth overtaking{1998

k_tectonic … k_hongkong

See also

Trigger 1 — SG^HK .. this blogpost is triggered by the SG^HK tale of two cities. Keyword is “overtaking”, where the content is nothing new. So I don’t want to spend too much time.
Trigger 2 — immersion .. sitting in the library for another immersion, I recalled my post-NUS self-improvement years.

eg: Hong Kong, Switzerland, and Scandinavian countries used to be the envy of Singapore government and Singaporeans. From the turn of the century to 2020, Singapore quietly overtook Hong Kong and Scandinavian countries in GDP. Singapore overtook Switzerland in PPP-adjusted GDP. I feel Singapore has become stronger, smarter, more competitive on many fronts, due to decades of steadfast focus on the fundamentals (内力).
eg: NUS and NTU overtook many competitors .
eg: Millennium Capital — gradually and quietly overtook many competitors. I think it’s because of consistency

Over the same period, I feel I also overtook many of my (unnamed) peers in my cohort, not only those in financial or IT domains.

  1. — The heavy-hitter list, focused on “overtaking”
  2. wellness — 5 workouts a week; satisfactory intimacy.. see BGC:pull`ahead @the pack: personal (!!leadership) effectiveness
  3. career longevity .. dev-till70 in the harbor of WSC .. See passport2 WSC_harbor@the SWE continent
  4. cash flow high ground in terms of brbr, FullerWealth, debt, bare-bones ffree, nonwork income
    • retirement planning (a global concern across rich countries including SG and welfare states). I have adequate planning with medical cost “Cushions”, CPF-life, low-maintenance HDB rental yield.
  5. prestigious credentials in UChicago, Wall St, NYSE, hedge fund

Now some obvious, familiar or minor advantages I have created

  • beautiful kids
  • U.S. and SG “dual homes”
  • carefree since 2018
  • UChicago .. insider advantage

Those are the things we want. There are also things we don’t want . It’s so easy to forget that I am free of the unwanted “things” below that each afflict a portion of the population in my cohort:

  • no bulging belly — rather rare
  • no chronic condition (except borderline cholesterol) — sleep; toothache; neck pain; hypertension;
  • no marriage instability
  • no major sexual difficulties yet

— my effort, choices,,,, or dump luck? See post on locus@control
— mellow?
— detach?
— how do I pass on my success to my kids?
— with some exceptions, virtually all of these “overtaking” successes stem from personal effectiveness, rather than inter-personal effectiveness
exception: marriage required a lot of team work
exception: I could do my professional job reasonably well in 10+ teams.
— Q: Are there some areas where some peers overtook me in stealth?

  • personal investments in US stocks or property (A.Lin)
  • brank? Not my game.
  • ^^ I feel none of these examples are worthwhile. Nothing to learn.
  • More diversified investment portfolio
  • more healthy lifestyle.
  • more patience with parenting

— Raffles Place reflection .. at raffles place I see lots of young, well-dressed (mostly financial) professionals in their 20s and 30s.
I feel many are spoilt kids. But I think others come from poorer backgrounds perhaps in 3rd-world countries. Many are ambitious and hungry in the rat race. In contrast, when I was their age I was on the sideline, as a manufacturing engineer and later blue-collar programmer. I had excellent burn rate control (unaware), competitive on theoretical domains (unaware) but stuck in the less lucrative domains.

  • life chances .. The higher income has indeed provided more life chances to finance chaps, to me and my kids.
  • adaptation .. I have gone a long way in my adaptation for and within my fin-IT domain. I have figured out how to survive the competition and churn, how to gain an unfair advantage…
  • 4def .. At that earlier age, I was mostly driven by successC, but now I have reached a well-off carefree ezlife, and have shifted focus to successE anad successZ
  • deathbed .. successE beats successC
  • stealth overtake .. I caught up with the finance professionals in my cohort. I guess, without evidence, that for majority of them, their domains and roles are no more lucrative than Fin-IT. Even the traders and fund managers.

—  library immersion .. From my early 20s till early 30’s, probably after NUS, I often felt inferior to some in my cohort — techno-preneurs, the OC-effective young managers, the young MBAs, CFAs, the finance professionals on the street of Raffles Place, sales/trading professionals in rEstate or Prudential,,,, In SG, the blue-collar engineer has a low status compared to in the U.S. I felt like an ugly duckling, esp. in the dating game. None of the role models in the media or in the community was a blue-collar programmer.

In NUS (more so in China universities), library immersion is a long tradition, but after we leave the campus, how many and who would keep the habit? Remember Alina.Zhao .. In the national library, I would read tech books all day long, and those young men don’t need to read that much. They would read business or magazines, even newspapers. Some of them read about rEstate or stocks, as they have an early start on personal finance. I could only watch on the sideline. (Now I am ahead of my cohort on personal finance.)

I think my 5-10 years of self-study in the library was slowly charging my batteries, or building my infrastructure like China did, or building the system like SG did.

Since then, technology industry, esp. software dev profession has grown more important, more valuable in the national economies not only of the U.S. but notably in China. U.S. tech profession offers excellent market depth, better than many of those professions listed earlier, esp. the sales profession.

* I underestimated the $value of my QQ capacity, absorbency, continuous/inquisitive/integrative learning,,, the qualities of the growing swan. These qualities were once associated with the ugly duckling.
* I overestimated tech churn, out-sourcing. (I didn’t underestimate the younger competitors.)
* I overestimated the $value of their professional qualifications, experience and people skills.

Q: When did I quietly overtake the bulk of “them” in terms of pff + career longevity prospect? (Clearly, some are still ahead but at my age I don’t strive to close the gap.)
A: perhaps during q3sg

Library immersion provides a defining example of FOLB. In my 2021 assessment I still follow the same rat-race criteria, the same midlife timetable . In this blogpost, I have not mellowed up or grown wiser.

During NUS years, one valuable harbor was the fast-food restaurants in shopping malls such as Ginza plaza. I used to stay until mall closing time. For many years after NUS, my #1 favorite harbor was the library. I also used fast-food restaurants and MRT trains. I always brought study material + other reading materials.

Nowadays I worry less about opening hours because I could sit in bus interchange with A/C + free wifi. I fee lucky to have the library, the free wifi in various locations, the laptop, git-blogg infrastructure. Adaptation (see the blogpost) and resilience. Nowadays I mostly use therapeutic blogging to recover, restore, calm down, regain focus.

Maybe I should start using more study materials for zqbx, for burn. Get on the offensive?