Tag: t_extInput

2 stepUp,1 stepsDown !! self-hate #nightly battle

Posted on by tiger40490

k_Promethean_struggle

Bindi (Cigna counsellor) introduced this observation of all dieters. We take 2 steps forward (down) and one step back (up), like a dance. It happens to all dieters, and is normal part of life. Therefore, similar to yoga my goal is maintenance:

  • without effort, we will be 2 steps back, and no step forward
  • with effort, we would aim at 1 step forward, 1 step back.

jolt: I could hope to avoid this dance if no 10x hazard rate from unexpected enticing foods in home stash (or office free foods).

I gave her the example of brownie or cheesecake. I said I stay away from them for as long as I could. I feel strong in doing that. I still eat brownie, but very rarely. If too much freely available, I could open the floodgates and lose control.

I also told her every evening when going home I prepare for battle.

  • Are they part of a Daily Battle? Yes.
  • Are they deprivation? No. It’s self-control.
  • Are they a struggle? Yes, though we want to be comfortable with each Decision[Sys2 effort req’d]
  • Are they self-hate? No.
  • Are they life-enhancing and self-growth? They can be.
  • Are they a Promethean torture? No. More like a dance. Not really fun, but neither a torture.

We can’t control our environment as completely as I could in NY. [Even in the U.S. I did lose control when there was free food offered.], so we win some battles and lose some battles, like a dance. My batting average is not as good as in NY, where I had better control over the environment.

I told Bindi that when I decide to give in, I try to hold both of these reminders in my head:

  1. I take responsibility and decide when I lose control, for example at supper time. I used to blame my wife and mom for cooking too much. Bindi said there is some element of truth. Bindi said they could help by cooking less and removing the /leftovers/, although they are cooking for the family.
  2. I accept the consequence that the recent weight improvement would likely get wiped out. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I also fight the bao3shan1 battle. The 10x hazard rate (from the unexpected enticing foods) lead to frequent loss of control. This level of failure is strongly correlated with the level of (overwhelming) availability.

Bindi echoed the earlier counsellor’s comment on self-compassion, whenever we lose the struggle, before or after the bao3shan1 battle.

I told Bindi that I would choose the latter of:

  • Choice 1: eat like others, and witness my healthy BMI deteriorate like my cohorts around me including CSDoctor, R.Xia
  • Choice 2: struggle with the Promethean daily battle , suffer setbacks, engage in the dance, and keep my BMI in green zone

talk slowly: 3 little techniques from CignaEAP

Posted on by tiger40490

These are important techniques in a tense situation. Even in everyday conversations you can practice them.

I told the counselor that my mom could be too old, but I still have an opportunity to learn these techniques.

— 1) talk more slowly. Pronounce each word slowly.
This style is not so common, but not so rare either.

— 2) Pause after saying “Well, I think ….”, and think about what to say next.
Some great speakers simply pause for a few seconds.

You can do this after you speak or (more often) after the other person asks a question or puts forward a point. If the other person’s flow of words is not in receptive mode, then you don’t say this.

— 3) after the other person stops, wait 5-10 seconds for him/her to finish. If he/she has no more to say, then you can talk.
How about “hmm”? Not the same as the silent wait, according to the Cigna counselor.

obesity: improve public infrastructure

Posted on by tiger40490

Given that the real world won’t improve fast enough for my life and your life, some of us will have more BMI-life-chances due to personal effort, education, access to better jobs/nutrition,,,,

This article seems to play down the importance of individual effort and emphasize the environment factor. This article is a credible argument, but I maintain my perception — effort is the biggest factor within one’s control. Better jobs and better nutrition is also within our control.

— My reflections on https://www.channelnewsasia.com/commentary/obesity-public-health-problem-solutions-weight-loss-2844661, written by a FinancialTimes reporter.

“Obesity is not the cause of a problem, but a symptom. Over the past 50 years, no country has reversed the trend of rising obesity.”

Q: Given the increasing public awareness, consumer education, why are citizens not improving our waistline?

There is now a scientific consensus that whether or not someone becomes overweight is, for the most part, the result of the interplay between genetic predisposition (responsible for around half of variation in body mass index), and environmental factors… The ‘individual responsibility’ idea, that people gain weight due to self-destructive decisions that they can be enlightened out of, has proved false…Obesity shows us primarily what is being done to people, not what people are doing to themselves….”regularity of dietary habit is simply incompatible with irregularity of work and income​​”

Q: why are low-income families more affected by obesity?

The author points to stress, overwork, unreliable income, financial insecurity,,, I feel these factors are indeed important. An outrageous analogy — in an world of increasing work stress, food insecurity, income insecurity, and increasing availability of addictive substances [alcohol, sugary drinks, cakes,,,], is some form of addiction inevitable for most? I guess we already see the widespread addiction to screens, sugary drinks… the curse of our time.

“But if any country is to reverse one of the world’s most stubborn trends, its policymakers must recognize that the solution will come not from haranguing people, but from improving the quality of their lives and their environment.”

Q: will it help if employer (like mine and Macq) provide free fruits in office pantry?

Q: will it help if employer (like mine) provides relaxation facilities in office?
A: I doubt it. I guess most employees prefer to get as far away from office as possible.

Look at the overwhelming amount of food advertising, esp. in malls. How many percent of them are truly healthy like raw veg, whole fruits, skim milk?

Convenience .. is a key factor in our increasingly busy lives. Those convenient locations and food choices are mostly (like 99%) less-than-healthy.

 

[19]U.S.edu system offers more options #Alan.C#w1r1

Posted on by tiger40490
  • option: Rely on parenting esp. if wife stays home. However, I think many working parents don’t have the time/energy to do that.
  • option: good public school district
  • option: Honors-class in a regular public middle- or high-school.
  • option: Private schools, charter schools
  • option: Private tutoring aka “after school”. I feel this feature is more effective in U.S. than in Singapore. Many Chinese parents in the U.S. choose it but I think most non-Chinese parents don’t choose it.
  • option: serious non-exam programs that my son may actually enjoy. Alan himself fell in love with robotics. In SG these are sidelined by the exams because exams are 100% (rather than 50%) of the admission criteria.
  • — tertiary
  • option: transfer from a community college to a 4Y university
  • option: transfer from an ordinary to a branded university
  • option: adult undergrad enrollment is more widespread in the U.S. than in NUS. I remember the conversation in the RTS pantry with the American colleague
  • option: apply to branded post-grad program, even if your undergrad grades are mediocre like in my case.

Alan said “A lot more options”. Now I think Alan hinted that in the U.S. system, the advantage of academic vs non-academic route is not so decisive.

— compare U.S. to Taiwan systems.. Some would say that at age 18 Taiwan students have fewer options beside college, even if the student doesn’t like academic studies.

— Singapore education system is not too bad and offers my kids some additional options ..
UK/Australia colleges accept  GCE A-levels and Singapore poly diplomas

Chat with David@CignaEAP

Posted on by tiger40490

Even if only one of these insights/habits become effective, it would change two lives — a parent’s life + a child’s life. Most parents struggle without any breakthrough, without finding any reusable solution.

— communication channel

I think David’s first priority is the comm channel with his boy. “Keep it open for as long as possible.”

  • When the boy turns 16, he would be so busy that even one good chat in 2 weeks is considered a big success.
  • At age 18, parents would have very little influence.

I think this channel is more critical than academics, presumably. Certainly it is more fundamental. This channel gives the parent a glimpse of the world inside the child. Based on that glimpse, there’s a hope to influence and mentor the child.

— 廉价的付出 won’t get you very far. You get the child to open up only when you give more of yourself …

— when a parent thinks the child’s action, behavior, justification,,, is completely unacceptable, with zero merit

I feel sometimes my parents would shoot me down. The child tends to shut up, perhaps after a protest or shameful retreat. Now I think such reaction, such negative experience is not necessary at home. In school or elsewhere, perhaps shoot-down is the natural and logical consequence.

David said we parent can look for some (however tiny) element of validity in the child’s rationale, and affirm it. Give the child the respect/understanding he needs.

As a kid, I sometimes felt my parents didn’t understand my arguments, or didn’t bother to understand them. But there was always, always something valid in my arguments! My friends would listen and affirm , but why my parents would refuse?

— if you want to find out 他为啥这样 （why he behaves in some way）

You would probably need to get the “why” from the kid (not from a counselor). For that, you need to invest yourself, heavily.

— schedule a time for man-to-man such as a game or a meal. I hope he looks forward to it. Even if he is not, he is more willing to commit once there is a date.

 

dabao: Genn’s input

Posted on by tiger40490

I often show my lack of confidence in his abilities , his luck, his future progress, ,, it would affect him.

for math, More nurturing less demanding; instead of telling him what to do, suggest to him.

Rebuild his self-esteem and confidence in math.

He doesn’t show all his cards. He may have some special skills; he may feel ashamed sometimes.

Get boy to finish the toughest homework early, before dinner, to fend off the fearful math teacher.

Consider stopping the Science/Eng tuition. It is counter-productive to developing his motivation and self responsibility.

R.Teo@parent`hours #Malay

Posted on by tiger40490

I asked Raymond why Malay students seldom out-perform on standardized benchmarks. Raymond is confident that IQ is not one of the factors.

He said a key factor is that Malay parents have too many kids and too little spare time outside work (often 1.5 to two jobs). Raymond contrasted the hours he spends with his boys.

Jack He also said affluent families often have full time mom taking care of kids.

My hypothesis — I guess one of the factors is parenting. Malay (or Hipanic..) parents probably think grades are not so important. Their kids are therefore feeling OK below average. My wife is fairly serious about grades.

## max-HIS: options #CSY,XR

Posted on by tiger40490

Due to 1) drug risk 2) grandparents needing my help in twilight years, I will consider these options below.

— 1) First, keep current job despite low bonus (see live with$0bonus^forgo best flexibleHours+commute+workload, Grandpa’s wisdom@PIP #mlp++), until they let me go or until boy is mature enough to leave SG .

In Feb 2020 mail, CSY said “I think the best way to avoid all of those is to find an ideal permanent job (go through the process once) and continue to work for a long time.” The chief “maximization constraint” is not really job loss at MLP, but rather the challenges of next jobs — PIP, bonus humiliation, stress, … I would have to give up my parachute.

— 2) If I lose this job

Plan A1 — go to U.S. right away and work for 6 – 12M, while looking for SG job. XR was surprised to hear this plan: Once settled down in the U.S., immediately start looking for a SG job that I feel confident about.

  • Wife would need to quit working and hire a maid.

Plan A2 — go to U.S. right away to set up home for family. Find a drug-free high school or a religious/charter school, and pray for the best.

  • main problem is boy’s character development, not academics

Plan B1 — Give myself 3M to find a SG job around 140k i.e. my target during the 2019 job search.

  • Need to accept the FOLB peer comparison pain + and face the PIP risk

Plan B2 — Give myself 1M to find a SG job around 80k quickly, to reduce PIP risk. Perhaps a junior or contract job.

  • Compared to B1, B2’s main downside is FOLB. Rely on those passive incomes

— 3) For the B-plans:

if not happy, go to U.S. on my own for half to to 2 years, on H1b. XR’s suggestion is “a few years”, confirmed in Jun 2020 mail. Grandpa also suggested a few years.

if not, take plan A2

BMI: wife’s negative remarks

Posted on by tiger40490

It would be a coup if I could transform wife’s negative views into positive motivation to push further in my weight improvement

k_counsellor

Every now and then, I feel resentful for my wife’s (and to a lesser extent my mother’s) remarks that she thinks I look unhealthy.

I work very hard to reduce my calorie intake but her words weaken the precious resolve I have built for my diet.

I feel her words have the potential to derail my entire effort.

I feel scared — Once I lose this precious resolve, I would put on, say, 5kg and hate myself (and her). What scares me most is my bitter hatred.

The frustration doesn’t help my effort, but is there a way to turn her words into a positive force? Sometimes I want to demonstrate to my wife that I’m better than those individuals she considers healthier, but I am afraid of setting myself a target that creates more self-hate.

The control and responsibility belongs to me. I take full ownership. However, I feel vulnerable, weak and unstable, so much so that I notice a tendency to blame the environment and other people. I have practiced this blame game for years.

I wish I was stronger, able to withstand the adversities hitting me from every direction.

— reflection after the chat with Bindi
trust that you have the resolve and the strength to restore your current weight after a 5kg relapse. I have the image of the aging Batman.

I tend to feel the current extraordinary BMI level is a blessing, not effort. In the cool light of day, I see it’s at least 70% by my effort.

Q: what if my wife says that again? Am scared.
A: try to stay calm and tell her that her words aren’t helping. Then swiftly disengage. Ideally leave the scene. Am so lucky that office is steps away

yoga4life: regular practice #Jess.Lin

Posted on by tiger40490

at twice a week, the total hours would be 3 to 5 /wk, based on my Bayonne experience. This is much more than the hours I can allocate to all other workouts combined. Therefore, the tcost is unsustainable.

Reality is, yoga isn’t life-saving like kidney dialysis that must be performed weekly. Most guys are unable to do 3 sessions/week and therefore 3 sessions/week is unrealistic for most people, just like 5 workouts/week.

The sustainable tcost has to be based on self-practice.

The challenge is mostly in the mind. I was able to climb at least one flight of stairs every day when living in Blk 177 or #1173.

Daily practice is not easy at all. Let’s be realistic. Key is frequency. Aim at “regular” exercise. Okay to be vague.

jolt: I’m able to hold lotus position for 15min every trip on MRT.

— frq and duration ..
Goal 5: try to stretch for 5 min on the body part you last used. Aim for 1-2 such stretches a week.
Goal 3: One realYoga instructor suggested “Daily practice with easy yin-yoga pose but hold it for up to 2 min.” I can do some easy stretch (like lotus) for 30 sec every day.
Goal 2: If you can’t then I would say aim for 2 minutes twice a week for 2 months.
Goal 1: If you can’t then I would say aim for 1 minute a week. I think it would be (significantly) better than nothing. It’s better than most guys, as I told the PlatinumYoga salesman.

Longer sessions? not practical due to my current mental block. Short sessions have the “anywhere” advantage

— modest vs tough poses
Negative xp: In Macq corridor, I focused on only the hard poses and gave up within weeks. Now I want to use modest ones.

The realYoga instructor said “easy stretches”.

Jess Lin said even the easy poses can be helpful. From a physiological point of view, she might be right. Am no expert.

Jess said many easy poses can become challenging when you focus on your form. Downward dog is good case in point. Correct downward dog (AA) is as hard as pigeon (BB), but I can easily ease into AA , from an incorrect form. The incorrect form still helps and is easy to accept. With BB, I just feel lousy. It’s crucial to recognize that

  • some poses are way too hard even in an incorrect form. Even 10% of that pose would be too hard for me
  • Therefore, those poses create self-hate and are counter-productive, so I had better avoid them.
  • However, they still pop up either in class or from memory. They are hardball (even the Tallboys). Since I don’t have the helmet I need to play dodgeball, deflect, or strengthen my mental toughness.

I would use mostly modest poses, and try hard ones only when in the mood.

When you stop breathing (perhaps in the tough zone), your focus is off and you are no longer doing yoga.

— Q: how many poses?
Pick from a modest pool of 20 poses. There are hundreds of poses but I can ignore them for my life and still have a rewarding yoga habit.

— self^group practice
For lifelong practice, foundation has to be self practice. I don’t want to rely solely on the fancy facilities.. unsustainable.

Classes can get me into the tougher zone and longer session. Classes can also reboot a declining routine.