Tag: t_extInput

Jack.Z@parent` #commute

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Jack.Z has strong experience in parenting.

高压 discipline is how he describes my stance.

“Observe what the kid wants and fulfill his needs” but I feel this is tough.

Accept differences in individual personalities.

Curiosity is a good thing in a kid.

Both Jack and grandpa foresee that my derogatory remarks could easily damage boy’s confidence. I use such harsh words to get his attention, but apparently the net effect is counterproductive. Jack suggested — paste reminder on your computer, in your cockpit, on the mirror … to stop the put-down remarks.

— JackZ on my family immigration
U.S. migration might be more risky for your kids then for you

Keep the communication open as they go through adolescence. Teenagers may take a few years to open up to parents…

“So Make sure you still have enough time for your kids when you are working here.” — I want to have time for them when they open up. Less stressful job. Short commute (like 95G) would be huge. Parent’s time is a key factor in Raymond’s story.

JackZ: “If you feel your son is likely to become a manager type, then perhaps the wordy problem skills (abstract logical skills) are not really relevant in the long run.” Self-confidence is arguably more important for those careers at least among the Americans he has seen. I think Jack meant resilience, positive attitude.

[20]I would speak uplifting words iFF dabao=weak

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If my kid (meimei?) is genuinely weak in wordy problems, and lacks self-confidence, I would create uplifting words to build up his confidence.

Right now, Am doing the opposite — He is improving but am using harsh words to cut him in half. I do it due to his attitude/motivation.

Sherleen, grandpa and wife (over many months) all pointed out that my words (I would add “perception”) on Dabao’s math standard are too negative. I am at my worst when talking about pattern recognition in wordy problems. I use these words well before I lose my cool.

Grandma sometimes echos my negativity. Perhaps grandma’s attitude/perception is not a role model, but a negative example of anger management. However, It is unfair to put 100% of the blame on grandma. I’m (at least 90%) responsible for my own action.

Grandpa issued the gravest warning — my words would decimate dabao’s self-esteem, confidence.

Sherleen said “uplifting” after she noticed Dabao’s lack of self-esteem. Now I think that for some individuals, affirmative words are a key language of love. I should read the book (online) to understand this one language of love.

[23] screentime 14/9 #intern

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My “intern” colleague said

  • the boy may be under stress.. my son may feel only night time is under his personal control, so he wants to maximize that, and sleep late
  • if parents are constantly negative, then kids will not want to cooperate.
  • like many young people, the boy may be using the phone for communication/social-media, but to the mom, screen time is all gaming
  • Lastly, he pointed out the trust factor

PotatoDay chat: screen time rationalized

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See also

19 Aug 2023 (National Potato Day) I had a enlightening chat with boy about screen time. It revealed some double-standards and prejudices in my “system1”

I first set out a hypothetical scenario. A teenager AA around my son’s age, a 12H+/day screen user

  • factor-A: his/her academic progress is acceptable, not affected by screen time, not unable to concentrate or failing to complete homework
  • factor-H: his/her health is unaffected by screen time, including sleep, workout,,,
  • factor-F: his/her family bonding time is unaffected by screen time.
  • factor-S: his/her social interactions are unaffected by screen time.
  • factor-g: he/she doesn’t feel addicted to gaming

Somehow, I would still have problems as a parent or teacher of this kid. I would think this student has too much free time and is not “productive” in his/her spare time. See the bposts on burn^rot.

Then I told my son about a slightly better teenager BB, who spends average 1h/day of her screen time productively, either academically, or learning extra-curriculum content (like recreational reading [1]), or self-improvement in general. I would still say this teenager is less than really diligent, wasting so much free time.

Then I recalled a typical teenager CC in my days (1990s and late 1980s). More like Teenager AA, but instead of digital screens, he spends all his free time hanging out with friends, 打电话, 逛商场/公园/cinema, 钓鱼/捉昆虫, 下馆子(喝饮料),看小说, 看动漫, 看videotape, 看电视,,, basically 吃喝玩乐, while meeting all the factors above. I had the same contempt for CC but somehow more contempt for AA due to the screens. Why?

I told my son that many of those 1990s pastimes were clearly addictive, esp (personal experience) 武侠小说 and to a lesser extent other genres of  novels. But in my 40s I have more worries over adolescent screen addiction. Why?

[1] In fact, my son does spend a few such hours a week on average. He often uses video learning.

— mom’s perception. I guess she worries more about AA than CC.

— factor-S … my son said his screen time actually improves his social interactions with friends. I Choose to believe my son.

— factor-F … my son said he has sufficient family outing time, but I feel at home he is often absent-minded and engrossed in his gadgets ….

— factor-A … mom and dad feel his grades are inconsistent, often hovering around P/F (not enough to get into poly). He has no interest in exam subjects presumably due to screens.

— What’s reasonable vs excessive screen time?
I clock 10H+/day and I feel dependent on blogg … but not considered exessive .. double-standdard? (My recollection of my past and observations of other people are not as accurate.)

E-book and online reading is the default among the cohort 10Y after me such as my UChicago classmates, so a lot of screen time on e-books could be classified as productive screen time like learning.

Based on my observation, I doubt there’s reasonable amount of screen time with my son. It’s crucial to ask about the composition of boy’s screen time? We parents need to demonstrate trust in boy’s integrity when he answers this question. This trust is something rare and invaluable.

Wife and I have complaints about boy’s bedtime hours, eyesight, physical workout, motivation for studies, but look, majority of 13-year-olds have similar issues but their parents are not deseparate or fearful.

— the day after PotatoDay, I had a long call with an IMH counsellor.  Here are some pointers

  • ask boy what he wants. No judgement. Nothing to point out. Don’t lecture. Don’t even teach. It’s hard to be a counsellor for a teenager. It’s even harder to be a parent-cum-counsellor.
  • spend longer hours with boy. Be available for him. Be supportive.
  • Counsellor affirmed that I’m a dedicated father. I try to be the counsellor that boy wants. However, when I threaten to take away his phone, I lose that status.
  • Counsellor reminded me that I need to step away once a while.
  • wife is in pain and needs external help. A lot of the family disharmony seems to stem from her conflict with boy, but this is not a conclusion, not even a tentative conclusion.
  • boy is not too worried about screen time, studies or his future. More worried about his self-image.
  • technology is constantly challenging us parents.

[21]stop pushing boy@academic motivation #Rahul

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Background — I told Rahul that my son’s level of effort is lower than his classmates’, despite everything we have tried. He is not fixated on the marks. There’s an abundance of Extrinsic motivators in Singapore, all tied to the test results, but they proved ineffective in the face of his heavy resistance.

Right away, Rahul suggested we try to build his “internal locus of control” i.e. the positive feedback loop linking effort and satisfying result. “Parenting by Logical Consequences”. We want him to experience, see, realize that his effort, not luck, not talent, not parents’ whim, is the real reason for the satisfying result.

Rahul suggested encouraging him on non-academic domains [1] where his resistance to “effort” is lower. Rahul said “(in N months) when he realizes the importance of studies he might come back to studies and apply himself”, drawing a “C” curve in the air.

I think grandpa also said something similar — “give him more time. wait for a few years”.

[1] How about piano, badminton, swimming,

Years ago, I also said that I wish to see one domain where he puts in effort consistently for a long time. Now I think Piano and badminton are success stories. Perhaps we can help him learn programming too, but it would take too much time — my time and his time.

Basically de-emphasize benchmark performance.

I have 51% confidence that U.S. (and Australian) systems are more natural at the primary school level. Some kids learn better in U.S. system, while other kids may learn better in the Singapore system.

31Oct2023 CGC DrClarenceGoh input

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Call CGC to find out his surname

  • Grades? “Let him fail.”
  • adverse reaction -> conflict? “Call police.”
  • adverse reaction -> threats? No comment from doctor. I would say … Anticipate; Keep cool and breathe
  • screen time? “Try FSC psychologist.”
  • self-esteem? “Try psychologist, not psychiatrist.”
  • Sleep? CGC can’t help much if you don’t want pills.

“Yixin is a good boy” .. doctor concluded in parting.

##drug risk4boy: specific strategies

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Beyond drugs, there are similar bad influences in the U.S. community. Here are my practical strategies, in no particular order:

  • choose strict schools. Pay the price, but see luxury/special edu: unaffordable4%%middle class
  • join a class as an older student
  • Choose Chinese neighborhood like Edison (Honglin’s suggestion). Accept the long commute.
  • protect the bond with kids, so they open up to me when needed. Jack Zhang pointed out I need time for kids.
  • wife stay home to keep an eye on him for a while. During the formative years, mother has more influence than father. (If he needs constant monitoring, then consider SG.)
  • focus on what we can control; recognize and accept the things beyond our control.

#1 Biggest strategy — the parachute. When needed, be decisive to relocate back to SG.
I would then have no doubt that I need to work in SG for several years, perhaps at lower salary.
Accept that both kids could be delayed by a year or two, or consider international schools.
Philosophically, Even though every decision has consequences, we are not permanently locked into the emigration decisions.

#1 safeguard — both parents staying together. “If both parents stay with the kid, things won’t go too bad.”

#9 safeguard — SG extraterritorial penalty on drug usage is a deterrent for my kids. Can be a valuable restraint and deterrent.
https://www.channelnewsasia.com/singapore/cannabis-drug-laws-outside-singapore-hair-test-cna-explains-2916026

— friends’ tips on drug abuse

  • XR said he would show pictures to his kids and drive home the reality about drugs.
  • In the U.S., my son could attend a religious school or charter school with strict control.
  • Jack said church would be a positive “force”.
  • Jack said drugs are more widespread in college than high school but I don’t know.
  • Jack said early intervention is key. The earlier parents try to help their kids quit, the easier it would be.

[22]TJ.Lin: comfort zone guarded by int^ext

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The megaworld title headache, late-2023 parenting headache, CAD, mid-2024 work stress,,, reveal that my current carefree ezlife is precarious indeed. See blogpost on mean time between failures.

CB2022 is a bigger jolt to my comfort zone. External dependency indeed. ZQBX indeed.

This is a heavily adapted email to my friend TJ.Lin, probably early 2023.

You asked
Q1: assuming you are living purely on your savings, and you are not worried about the savings, what is your worry?

I said that indeed I don’t worry about money , over the medium horizon. Yet I do feel my current carefree ezlife is fragile/precarious, possibly transient. The biggest fragile pillar is the MLP job (re CB2022), but deep down, I cherish my wellness + blissful family life more than MLP job or other things, so I have a subconscious attachment. I worry about losing my job, cashflow high ground,,,, less than I worry about losing my health or family. However, if I lose _any_ of these, I am confident that I would survive. Remember I told you about 自强不息? That’s how I will cope, and how I will work my way back to a positive, meaningful life.

You then asked a more fundamental question:
Q2: Is your current comfort zone [comfortable ezlife, bliss, utopia, carefree bubble, harmony, tranquility,,] guarded by external or internal forces?

I said that currently, I rely on external factors and feel overdependent, precarious and insecure. Factors like current job (heating up in 2024), wellness and family harmony (lost in late 2024).

I said that internal locus of control is possible and would be better. It would give me more independence , resilience, and self-reliance. Now I think the internal driving force is zqbx [自强不息]. In reality, a disaster [swan or misstep] is often too big (consider Christopher Reeve), but if your life were to go on, then you would eventually survive and rely on 自强不息. This human will can be more powerful than we could imagine.

The more we think about the external factors esp. the missteps/swans, the more we want to strengthen our shields.

Apr21EAP: appetite失控 #compassion #poison

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k_mellow

Problem description — You come home without hunger (like Bayonne), but when you see food you start to feel an appetite out of control.

Counsellor challenged me — Can you say to yourself right now “I won’t compare to the past. I will focus on the present and what’s within my control.” Well, I won’t give up and accept things like “my kids have disappeared, or my legs are now useless..” However, the environment changed hugely from 2019.

— out-of-control appetite.. I hope there’s a more powerful phrase like “appetite on rampage”, but “control” is a power phrase in my mind. See also wins+control ]Bayonne

Now I think the appetite on rampage is normal. How do you decide that’s not legitimate hunger? Your yardstick is elastic!

You find this new appetite so irrational (hunger is never rational), so random (it actually is), so out of control (human nature). But that’s probably the case with a lot of people, when they have not tasted that particular food for a long time.

— Compassion .. is a keyword from the 13 Apr 2021 Cigna counselor. See powerless guilt #self-hate for the opposite of compassion

I gave the counselor a graphic metaphor — patches of poison on the surface of an internal organ. This counselling session helped me open up, spot the poison, wash it off, while keeping, not rejecting, the organ. I felt cleansed. I know how ugly the organ looks, but it’s part of me and I embrace every part of me. I am OK as an fallible, weak human being. It’s OK to lose half the nightly battles. In unusual j4 S$7.50 salad, I recorded my chat with another Cigna counselor Bindi when I said “everyone is weak.”

Las Verrugas Anales | ASCRS

pre-teen phone addiction

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  • more (clear) agreements with boy and wife on daily screen time limits
  • even minor improvement in father/mother consistency can be worthwhile. A parent’s Understanding of the consequences is the key.
  • Instagram addiction .. is a social problem.

— camp 0
Grandpa’s advice can be valid. It depends on the child’s personality and /circumstances/. Remember the one-year penalty? In general, this strategy is more valid for my generation rather than the new generation.

What if boy shows improvement but not enough by my standard?

Q: is 30m screen time too low? My camp 0 is not same as Sachin’s.

  • no control Outside home
  • no control on mom’s phone
  • no control on music playing
  • not applied on computer screen time

— alternatives to phone
🙂 He is a good reader.