Category: x_ip1

talk slowly: 3 little techniques from CignaEAP

Posted on by tiger40490

These are important techniques in a tense situation. Even in everyday conversations you can practice them.

I told the counselor that my mom could be too old, but I still have an opportunity to learn these techniques.

— 1) talk more slowly. Pronounce each word slowly.
This style is not so common, but not so rare either.

— 2) Pause after saying “Well, I think ….”, and think about what to say next.
Some great speakers simply pause for a few seconds.

You can do this after you speak or (more often) after the other person asks a question or puts forward a point. If the other person’s flow of words is not in receptive mode, then you don’t say this.

— 3) after the other person stops, wait 5-10 seconds for him/her to finish. If he/she has no more to say, then you can talk.
How about “hmm”? Not the same as the silent wait, according to the Cigna counselor.

Y(only white)native speakers sound sophisticated

Posted on by tiger40490

k_soul_search

eg: James Bond always sounds (sexy and) sophisticated, partly based on accent. Many male protagonists in American movies are like that.
eg: [[off the rail]]
eg: the featured interviews on MLP intranet. The native speakers sound more sophisticated.

Consider a male China-born immigration lawyer , or architect, SWE, (various) designer,,,, who came to the U.S. at age 25. He can be competent/effective/proficient in English professionally [in office, with clients, in meetings, over phone]. However, a less-educated local American would be more fluent orally.

Actually, 1) personal insight 2) vocab are the foundations beneath 3) articulation and 4) accent, when we meet a sophisticated speaker.

(1) includes knowledge, education, socioeconomic status,,

I think cool confidence is a key ingredient. With cool confidence, one can really slow down, which enhances articulation. Somehow, Singaporeans seldom have that sophistication, esp. in slow-n-steady articulation and accent. Some local professionals (such as secretaries or receptionists) learned a sophisticated accent, but they lack a sophisticated vocab.

To develop a sophisticated vocab, you first _need_ a rich oral vocab.

— Q: Why do the interview video clips sound 3x more sophisticated than audios, which sound 10x more sophisticated than transcripts?
I guess the dress, the hairstyle, the facial expression all add to the sophistication

— Q: There are millions of native English speakers in Nigeria, the Caribbean, Singapore/Malaysia, predominantly non-white. Why do they not sound sophisticated?

— Q: do you want to PP) sound sophisticated to (subtly) impress people or you want to YY) sound sophisticated to feel good about your own English skill?

Admittedly, (YY) depends on (PP) at some fundamental level, but I often feel I don’t have to impress everyone around me. There are many categories (won’t enumerate) of “people” whom I don’t need to impress. I want to sound slow, articulate, concise, with a good vocab.

However, even if you meet all of those requirements but lack a native accent, you will fail (YY), because most of the “people” judge you by skin color and regional accent.

socially awkward: Western context #inferiority

Posted on by tiger40490

BillGates and MarkZ were described as socially awkward in school. I think the phrase has a special American meaning in the American context.

The context is 100% Caucasian. Even in a group of non-white Americans, basically the same judgement would be used. However, if the group consists of recent immigrants, then we would follow different criteria to judge if someone is socially-awkward.

I was very awkward in middle school. Slowly found my confidence in high school. Humor (and wit) is something I lack in most group settings. In Shiyan I had a bit of wit, but not humor.

Watching the Mr.Bean episode “Exam”, I recall that most western men strike me as contemporary and polished. But I beat most of them in studies (bigO), in self-discipline (Gary.G), in wellness, in brbr/FullerWealth, even in analytical writing.

Q: am I more or less awkward in the American context?
A: less. Am socially awkward by most cultural standards, but less so in American context.

— confidence .. For me, confidence is the key. With confidence, I become less self-conscious, less sensitive (I care less about other people’s reactions[1]). This is tolerable and can be a good thing when interacting with half-strangers. Not so harmless with extended family, colleagues and friends.

[1] Those close to me often remind me of the gravity of my insensitivity. Looking at my mistakes and my mom’s mistakes, now I think those people who feel hurt tend to be oversensitive. If there’s any hurt, I do NOT deserve 100% of the responsibility. My mistakes are usually mild and not hurting. I would rather err on insensitivity rather than over-sensitivity.

— shrinking .. The Chinese culture (perhaps Indian culture too) emphasizes “缩小自己” and become as invisible as possible like a bodyguard. If you always draw attention to yourself, then you are always socially awkward, as you stick-out

Shrinking requires observation of protocol. I’m never really good at that.

See also

listen +! think`about what to say next

Posted on by tiger40490

In some context I have a tendency to capture one part of what I hear and immediately prepare my response on just that part. That part is sometimes relevant, but usually a minor part in the message. As I prepare, I fail to get the entire message. Now, When do I make this mistake?

* when I'm counseled
* when the message is complex (but not in a cognitive sense) and confusing with multiple parts
* not technical discussions

I feel when we respond, we should first aim to acknowledge that we get the full message.

over-communicating a negative message

Posted on by tiger40490

I tend to automatically assume other people didn't understand all the details I'm communicating. Therefore I have a (sometimes annoying) habit to repeat and rephrase. This may be useful in some cases (a prosecutor? a coach?), tolerable in other cases, but how about with a manager?

How about with subordinates?

How about with kids?

With managers, that can come across as pushing-back, negative, lacking can-do attitude. In fact i was trying too hard explaining and highlighting the negative in gory details. A lot of times, the manager already know the issues — perhaps not as much as a foot soldier does, but it's nearly impossible to give them a “deeper” view. I now think many managers don't want a “deep” view but a helicopter view.

what kind of colleagues do I like better

Posted on by tiger40490

Hi XR,

You asked what kind of people I feel most comfortable with. Everything being equal, i'd prefer someone with some visible (not too showy) personal mannerism. I guess Yi Ge is one example. I have many friends who aren't “visible” but my first-impression of Yi Ge is better.

In reality, 2 people are never “everything equal”. For each colleague, the level of “affinity” I feel depends on a myriad factors, sometimes very subtle.

Let's put aside how I feel about others and focus on how others feel about me — allow me to be self-centered again. The core issue is, if I often fail to realize my habits are different from others (after friends point out i still fail to notice “similar” differences), and if I do look and talk different from majority, will it affect my career as a senior developer, architect or team lead?

You said it does. Reluctantly I agree. I said it's a minor factor compared to other factors. I guess many people would say small personal mannerisms have very real impacts. Reluctantly, I have to agree.

I guess most people have one or 2 visible eccentricities but overall fall into the normal range. I am one of the minority of individuals who exhibit many minor eccentric behaviors. (There are more eccentric individuals than me for sure.)

For someone like me, Career progress depends largely on manager's preference…. (I am at least good enough, technically and inter-personally, in every job. I coordinated projects with 3 other external teams. Even without my manager I could handle a development project and deliver a system that meets requirements. I sometimes interact directly with users, just as a BA does. I have enough business knowledge to communicate with business users. In production support I have even more interactions with users and external teams — and i probably did a decent if not better job in production support)…. So i feel if my manager can live with my imperfections he could promote me to a leadership role.

You once said i should consider taking on a team lead role so I can learn how to lead. Worthwhile. I call it baptism-by-fire.

farewell letter to Narayanan(citi)

Posted on by tiger40490
I appreciate your last words about Kelvin’s impression of me. Given my age and technical experience, occasionally I can impress interviewers. However, I need to learn from you how to quickly learn a complex code base once hired.
My biggest weakness has always been communications in sensitive contexts. My GS managers helped me improve a bit so I seldom wrote inappropriate emails to GS users, but Citi has a slightly different culture I was not aware of. In GS I used to have problems getting manager’s expectations right. In Citi this problem happened a bit.
Overall, am an inward-looking person, not exactly sensitive to other people around me. I often fail to notice the different contexts, local customs, different personalities ….
Even though I care about how other people feel, their feelings often escape my observation. Some people get mildly offended by me. You seem to be a very tolerant guy. I know from beginning you are the type of colleague to keep. Too bad I can’t work with you, but I wish you good luck and good health. You have potential.

[11] dining stick-out and interview xp #s.Liu

Posted on by tiger40490

(A personal blog. no need to reply)

Even when I was dating, or lunching with a job interviewer, or dining with a client alone (2004-2005) I probably exhibited those “stick-out” behaviors, even though i was often careful, even nervous.

To please and impress the interviewer, I feel it is more important to hide my nervousness, and act like an open (not pretentious), pleasant conservationist.  It’s embarrassing if I can’t carry a conversation over lunch. I feel it’s possible that the interviewer (or clients) felt i was eccentric, stubborn, insensitive, inconsiderate.

I didn’t tell you that my body language and communication style (with all of those stick-out eccentricities) seemed to be a selling point during job interviews, both in US and Singapore. Some interviewers felt “not a good fit” but many liked my tech and personality. Some said they “connected” with me. Some said they liked my truthfulness.

Self-presentation during job interview is an art and a science. Practice does make perfect. I had my eccentricities, but i also had a fairly large number of interviews as real-life practice sessions. I know i’m a bit of an eccentric, but recall few interviewers having problem with that. I never felt empathy was a problem.

I met many mildly “unusual” people — my sister, my mom, Tao Yi Yang, Zhang Lei, Li Yong Jin, Xue Jing… They have better perceptiveness and empathy and don’t get kicked out by managers. My mom would argue with restaurant waiters over less-than-perfect dishes on 50% of those days we dine out with guests.

Taking a step back, the 2 most important times to impress my manager
1) the day of job interview
2) the years after getting hired

I have known for years that I fare better in 1) than 2). My eccentricities and empathy issues show up slowly.

In 2007 I woke up one day and realized my java interviews were failing 95% of the time, so I had to change to survive. In contrast, my empathy is not such a show-stopper during interviews and was not show-stopper during work, so I didn’t feel the urgency. After GS and Citi, i have to improve my empathy with manager (and colleagues and users).

protocol, etiquette in leadership

Posted on by tiger40490

My GS team lead isn’t good with etiquette and protocol but he gets things done — real business value. Users appreciate him and one of his bosses adores him.

I feel if i could spend 6 months each in microsoft, google, oracle … i could probably find more tech leads (grass root or architect levels) with low protocol/etiquette.

Wall street is possibly similar. If you can get things done, then u can afford to be arrogant, uncooperative, territorial, .. and still survive since they can’t easily replace you. There’s a limit though. Many senior managers believe every individual tech genius is replaceable.

why many people seem to like me

Posted on by tiger40490

(A personal blog post. No need to reply.)

I am often insensitive and sometimes downright annoying, but I wonder why I have many friends and colleagues who seem to like me.

– colleagues generally liked me, but not managers
– interviewers often liked me, but not managers
– some managers liked me, but many don’t
– GS managers made tough decisions in 2 rounds of layoff and lost people twice, but didn’t let me go
– My first GS review was (unofficially) above average. 2nd was manipulated, largely due to relationship with managers. 2 of my GS managers gave me average, the 3rd (highest) manager imposed a below-average.
– Citi managers renewed my contract after 6 months. In the past, they actually terminated 2 consultants after first 6 months. So I was tolerable at 6-month mark.
– many GS colleagues “under” me generally liked me – I know from their reviews. Some 100% positive, some 90% positive but fairly objective. Overall I always received above-average on team work.
– most GS users liked me – I know from their reviews. No one gave me below average. I guess they depended too much on me.
– My clients generally liked me – I was client-facing in 3 companies and had about 5-10 clients
– Some interviewers in the past offered me jobs as client-facing IT consultant, team lead and VP.

In GS and Citi (and Verizon, and previous jobs, but not some other jobs[1]), i feel majority of colleagues like me — I have many small chats and even lunches with many of them. If they don’t like me, they could turn down those small chats and lunch requests. While a bachelor, i used to have friends to meet up every week. I felt popular and in-demand.

I feel these people see some good qualities in me (everyone has some:). Sometimes they might feel annoyed or mildly offended by me but probably not intolerable. I do believe _managers_ are usually less tolerant, because the boss-subordinate relationship is fragile, sensitive, intense and high-stake.

A pattern emerges — The more closely I work with a guy, the higher the chance of conflict of interest, the more empathy is needed.

Another pattern — one-to-one work relationship is easier for me than small teams, which is easier than cross-team collaboration. My stick-out, empathy issues, observe-and-learn, insensitivity (Bull in a china shop) gradually show.

Solution — periodic feedback by a caring, dedicated mentor.

[1] a Singapore government company had fewer colleagues who liked me. I was too eccentric and stepped on too many toes.