Category: wellBe`

https://btv-eng.dreamhosters.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=1993&action=edit

membrane: selective listening

Posted on by tiger40490

k_def_of_success

A letter not set out.

Hi TJ,

You are right about [[Thinking fast and slow]] but I mostly read the last 20%, a section on self-perception of well-being. That’s why I brought up Paul Allen, colostomy patients, healthy (and unhealthy) longevity.

Last week you asked why at my age I think so much about longevity. Well, I have always been a long-term planner, and now planning for the longest horizon till end of my life. Also, my parents talk about their health and late-life plans all the time.

I like your phrase “reaching that goal day by day”. Planning is easier than follow-through. I blog about my follow-through actions. I told you about my diet, workout, learning tech, active trading, hobbies…. not as fancy plans, but everyday actions.

You have a good point about “adjust” and “not affected by others”. I always feel the importance of the “membrane” through which we selectively (or involuntarily) receive influence. Clearly we need to adjust our planning, goals and priorities, mostly based on influence from other people, so we can’t operate with a water-proof membrane. Instead, each individual exercises discretion as to who we want to follow, who we want to listen to.

It turned out that many of my peers (classmates, colleagues, fellow techies) are not good influences on life priorities. I think many have not figured out what is important, so they follow the conventional, wrong priorities. So I want my membrane to block those influences. In reality, my membrane still lets in unwanted influence. I still question my breakaway from the convention yardsticks esp. about top schools for my kids.

I give an A- to my parent-child bonding, and my kids have a loving family. I am a caring father and don’t focus too much on academic benchmark. Still, whenever there is an academic comparison, my kids would often (like B-) appear inferior to the kids of my peers.

Tough. That’s why I need a highly selective membrane. I need long-horizon vision (that my father always shows by example). I need to drop the baggage and focus on the right priorities. Academic benchmark success doesn’t match my “easy life” yardstick, even though 自强不息 yardstick demands a serious effort.

Sent: Mon, Feb 21, 2022 11:10 AM
To: Victor
Subject: RE: a few topics discussed

I can understand how other values and they have own valid reasons. Since so many choices available and they make sense in different angle, that is why I said the most importance is you have your own belief and not really affected by others and willing to reach that goal day by day. You start from a solid belief and adjust it according to what you observe and practice. It will make ppl more mental health rather than anxious when seeing and comparing against others.

That is why I feel you got your point of work-life and you have strong reason to keep the current style.

rmSelf^xpSelf [def]

Posted on by tiger40490

 

k_rmSelf_vs_xpSelf

The rmSelf^rmSelf framework is a unique lens, but not exactly front and center to my understanding of wellbeing. Other frameworks are more relevant, such as 4 def@success, livelihood, life chances, Maslow’s pyramid. However, this framework has an advantage — a book, based on published and respected research. 10 years later, most of my home-grown frameworks would fade away.

xpSelf^rmSelf is the #1 useful framework I picked up from D.Kahneman’s book. I will use this framework many times, perhaps through my life, so I will use two abbreviations

  • xpSelf=experiencing self
  • rmSelf=remembering self .. rm means remove in unix, but here it has the opposite meaning. It’s the same pattern where rural Chinese families name their new baby boys after worthless things like shit or dirt.

Disclaimer : Any measurement (using rmSelf or xpSelf surveys) must follow precise definitions. D.Kahneman used the hedonimeter [DRM] for xpSelf’s wellbeing; he used CSASS for rmSelf’s evaluation. These definitions largely match my loose usage of the terms.

— important phrases ..

  • satisfaction .. about longer-term goals and needs. When we evaluate our lives, we evaluate satisfaction.
  • pleasures/pains .. more short-term, more at-the-moment
  • bliss .. more short-term
  • comfort/comfortable .. free of pain and bad mood. Mostly short-term. However, such an individual can be unsatisfied about a long-term goal. As such she is uncomfortable only when she thinks about it.
  • happiness .. can be long-term or short-term. As Vague as “well-being”. I seldom use this word in my serious discussions.

— T_rmXp ^ T_Kahneman tags:
rmXp tag is more specific and generally excludes blogposts on sweeping evaluations.
— eg: my outings with boy .. the rmSelf often comes to a negative evaluaiton[tcost, poor measurable ROTI,,], but my xpSelf often had a good time.
— eg: rmSelf’s evaluation on strategic value of my xx
— eg: workout classes .. one of the best illustrations.
— eg: exp recon .. satisfies the xpSelf, but tcost/Benefit ratio may look obsessive , to the rmSelf [evaluator of Benefit]
Sugg: control tcost; increase Benefit by using the results “everywhere”
— eg: weekend hours .. don’t need to be more than 1% burn. (The burn is mostly rmSelf.)
Could I have some meaningful, non-empty weekends for the xpSelf?
I tend to evaluate (rmSelf) my weekends, neglecting xpSelf.

— eg: movies … 8 out of 10 movies are pure pleasure for the xpSelf, and largely forgettable to the rmSelf. Its evaluation of time utilization is therefore unfavorable. Luckily, I often inject some “ROTI elements” to satisfy the rmSelf, like workout, lotus pose, laptop, reading.
— eg: recreational stock trading .. the evaluative rmSelf is harsh, but the xpSelf enjoys a good recreation. Not sure which blogpost to update
— eg: calorie restriction

  • with aaa, the xpSelf has a tougher time, possibly “miserable” time. So if you really want to implement the restriction, do invest to remove aaa, and reduce the suffering.
  • In this case, I actually prefer the xpSelf’s suffering forgotten[4]. In reality, the rmSelf tends to remember the Peak of the struggle and the ending, and forgets thousand of daily battles (multiple battles a day).
  • As to the rmSelf’s _evaluation_ of calorie restriction, I would say “tough memory, positive result, possibly unsustainable.” This situation is NOT decision-making by rmSelf.

[4] This is “achievable” only with Kahneman’s potion to wipe out all memory of a surgery’s pain. It is comparable to a very realistic and long dream ([[Inception]]) in which the xpSelf experiences intense feelings, but the rmSelf basically doesn’t care. Remember Saito’s endless dream towards the end of [[Inception]]?

##which weaknessES limit def[LifeChances] #driv`,stature

Posted on by tiger40490

k_soul_search

Everyone goes through difficulties in life due to this or that weakness. Among them, you will surely need to overcome or deal with 1 or 2 “key weaknesses of your life”– personal handicaps. I would say your limitations basically determine your life chances, like boundary conditions in PDE.

[c/C = I can see some specific life chances affected by this weakness]

  • Does CAD affect my life chances? It does if it hits me in my 30s, not if in my 80s
  • [C] handicap – exams… Many people are outside the top 20% at studies, but become successful professionally.
  • [c] weakness — office smarts, corporate maneuver.. seem to limit my “opportunities” within a corporate environment. However, as Honglin might say, my hands-on tech skills provide arguably better career longevity, which is a big part of life-chances.
  • .. Therefore, the hands-on tech weaknesses of those corporate managers might be a limiting weakness, too!
  • handicap .. Empathy was a personal handicap but primarily in office. Interpersonal and relationship skills are not so obviously weak.
  • — financial skills
  • [c] handicap — saving, self-discipline
  • [C] weakness — rEstate … In the East Asia context, not having a rEstate position early in your life limits your freedom and financial high/low ground.
  • weakness — stock picking… During each major downturn (1997 Asian, dot-com, SARS, 2008 GFC, 2020Covid), there were major buying opportunities. You won’t need stock picking per se, but stock picking would be the ultimate skill to improve your freedom, financial high/low ground…
  • — physical limitations
  • Weakness – my lower-(and upper-)body flexibility. This has not affected my life at all. (In older years this might increase my risk of injury.)
  • Weakness – coordination skills for basketball… Look at some of classmates in high school. Definitely affects self-confidence among peers.
  • Weakness – middle-distance running… This is a bigger thing in Singapore due to NS fitness test. Not a big problem in other countries. However, endurance does help heart/lung and aging.
  • intimacy .. see below
  • [C] Weakness – overweight… Much bigger impact, as it affects dating, health, longevity, parenting…
  • [c] Weakness – stature…. A bigger problem for guys in China as it affects dating.

— in this blog, life chances are something personal .. My life chances represent the chances I want for my life. I may want the same chances for my daughter, but she would ultimately decide what chances she wants for her life.

eg: Some active runners like YY.T would feel deprived in terms of life chances if affected by knee injury

eg: I want devTill70 as an “occupation”, so a drop in demand, or my JIV weakness would affect my life chance. For FIRE guys who want to retire early and enjoy life, this is not part of their life chances. See YY.T chat.

eg: You care about quality of intimacy into your 50s. But for your partner, intimacy is perhaps not part of her life chances. Sexual difficulties (like orgasmic dysfunction) doesn’t bother her.

— [c] driving vs [C] English .. Look at my friends Jun.Z and Alina… personal handicaps. English listening (more than speaking/writing) was a handicap in my earlier years in Singapore.

Many of my friends have a handicap in English writing. Consider my MLP colleagues vs Sophia/Y.Zhang/Rong.Zhu

Oral English has a lower entry barrier so fewer friends have that handicap but consider SY.Chang, Kevin/Gary, Rong

The English handicap affects half the “peers”, but driving handicap affects only me. Driving is a personal handicap, more physical than English language handicap. I need a much higher t$budget just for learning to drive. I already spent $2k+. Need to be $10k. The vehicle doesn’t have to be the strongest or “safest”. I would say average safety rating is sufficient.

Driving affects job choices, housing choices [SY.Chang was able to rent a home much further out from office], learning resources.

I would need a special budget for potential fines.

I also need a huge tBudget for learning and “managing” license + vehicle.

For the first 1 or 2 years, I should avoid driving the family at all. Even in local street, you can get hit or drive off the road and hit something dangerous.

CSASS: quick life-evaluation #fulfilment

Posted on by tiger40490

k_Kahneman

My blogs feature many similar evaluations of my life. For them, a sound framework is the CSASS yardstick.

— the yardstick: “Imagine a ladder with steps numbered from zero at the bottom to ten at the top. The top of the ladder represents the best possible life for you and the bottom of the ladder represents the worst possible life for you. On which step of the ladder would you say you personally feel you stand at this time?” (Emphases are mine.) That’s how D.Kahneman introduced the CSASS [Cantril Self-Anchoring Striving Scale].

“The best/worst possible life” is always (to me) defined within a finite scope of possible lives. I feel the majority of the respondents (at least for my cohort) interpret the yardstick not as self-evaluation in isolation, but in comparison with other people of the time[1] in familiar countries. I don’t know Latam/African nationals so I can’t include them in my scope.

As explained in liv`with chronic conditions: wellbeing by xpSelf^rmSelf, most folks only does a quick-n-dirty evaluation once in a blue moon. (Intellectual writers like me and grandpa spend far more time, but we are a tiny minority.) Even if we try to be thorough and objective, the CSASS score would never be objective.

— (experienced) well-being^ fulfilment [satisfactory life]

Some respondents may say the question specifically asks how “I FEEL at the moment” i.e. experienced well-being, but to most respondents, this evaluation is more about fulfilment over “my entire life”, with lots of long-term effects of previous life events. Therefore, as Kahneman pointed out, this is all about the rmSelf, not the xpSelf.

  • eg: ill-health .. Kahneman pointed out (and I agree) some forms of ill health have a much stronger effect on experienced wellbeing than on rmSelf’s life evaluation.
  • .. however, liv`4decades with chronic conditions mentions that paraplegics have a normal experienced wellbeing but poor fulfillment. I think the difference is that paraplegics go through a painful adaptation and learn to live with a stable disability and become fairly healthy.
  • eg: healthy longevity .. (or the prospect thereof) is important to my evaluation and to my rmSelf, but not to my cohort.
  • eg: Education .. is one example factor Kahneman gave of high impact on the rmSelf’s life evaluation but possibly low impact on the xpSelf’s wellbeing. Kahneman said the more educated often report higher stress in experience sampling. I feel exclub[FOMO] is a big factor to both the rmSelf’s evaluation and the xpSelf’s wellbeing. The more educated are likely to work in highly paid jobs and have higher academic expectations of their kids… the highly-educated exclub. Their self-evaluation is likely to be dominated by peer comparison.
  • eg: academic kids .. weighs heavy in many Chinese mothers’ fulfilment and self-evaluation of life, but has lower impact for other parents. It is becoming slightly less impactful on my xpSelf.
  • eg: blogg system (dhost etc) .. has a huge impact on xpSelf but probably not much on rmSelf’s evaluation.

[1] We don’t compare with our grandparents. For some of us, we don’t even compare with our relatives 20Y older or 20Y younger.

U-index: current mood flag #bool

Posted on by tiger40490

k_Kahneman

The basic “ticker” is binary — Each observation is classified as either Unpleasant or Pleasant. This determination is fairly reliable in hindsight.

At each timing, the subject chooses a few positive/negative adjectives (probably MCQ) to describe her mood over the current episode (i.e. since the previous observation). She then assigns an intensity to each adjective. The episode is classified as Unpleasant if any (single) negative adjective has higher intensity than every positive adjective.

In other words, a good (or normal) mood is the absence of unhappiness, or a mostly-positive mood. (What if there is one minor negative feeling and no positive feeling? I guess that would be rare, because most of the time people are at peace with something/someone that they are spending time with. )

U index for a given day is defined as 25% if 25% of the waking hours are unpleasant.

Refreshing and powerful in its simplicity. Useful in identifying bad moods and depressions. Powerful in trend identification.

— xpSelf .. the U-index is mostly about xpSelf, not rmSelf
— hedonimeter .. is a related measurement

national economic progress(beyondGDP) but!!happier

Posted on by tiger40490

Economists, sociologists, policy makers can measure economic progress and rank countries by ..

  • improving life expectancy
  • improving YLD (healthy longevity)
  • improving infant mortality
  • improving national average BMI
  • improving incident of untreated blindness or seriouis skin condition
  • improving national average home size (holding constant family size)
  • improving quality of nutrition
  • improving birth control success
  • improving national average numbe of off-days in a year, and average work hours (shorter=improving)

I will add a few yardsticks of my own

  • improving frequency of intimacy for married persons of a given age band. The poor often have less time for it, due to overwork, seperation, health.
  • improving national average amount of sleep
  • improving frequency of sightseeing trips
  • improving national average commute length and comfort level
  • improving frequency of overseas family reunions
  • improving frequency of IDD call with family

How about inflation-adjusted average household income reported in official statistics?

==== growing richer but not happier
“Compared to the post-war era or pre-modernization era, we are substantially richer but no happier.”

This is a dominant [widely shared] observation in many countries, at both a societal and a personal level.

In contrast to satisfaction and fulfillment, “happy” is a short-term self-assessment/rating. Re hbA1c vs FPG.

Here are some random factors

— reason::oblivion .. I think most people won’t bother to focus or reflect on everyday forgetable happiness, including those doses of delight. Most people have no bandwidth and have to to focus our mental energy on the problems to solve. Therefore, we tend to remember our adversities [sufferings, difficulties, frustrations, setbacks, declines]. The longer we live, the more difficulties we encounter. Our happiness self-rating would tend to decline. Therefore, improving longevity reflects economic progress but tends to affect happiness rating.

reason:: BNH [Basic-healthy nutrition] .. our increasing wealth makes BHN easily achievable. Ratio of medHhIncome/BhnCost reflects economic progress. However, in majority of the local population BHN bring minimal happiness, largely due to FOLB.

— reason::stress:: faster pace demanded at work .. (rather than 细水长流 ).. Many older workers lament that managers expect faster turnaround compared to earlier eras. End users expect speed + quality, which generates stress across the service sector. Singapore service sector is know for speed + quality.

— reason::stress:: sleep_easy .. physical wealth seldom gives the individual better sleep, but granted, wealth can bring you a quiet home and flexible work hours.

— reason::tech:: tech churn in personal tech .. I think many (esp. older) adults don’t want to keep learning, adjusting to new tech. Many feel forced to do so. The GUI is often designed for and tested with younger users.

— reason::tech:: isolation due to digital communication. Digital comm is a big part of economic progress, but it doesn’t make me happier.

— reason::lack of meaning in our jobs.. In earlier eras, jobs are simpler and often more meaningful like manual labor, local service provider. With technology and automation taking over many simpler jobs, the more “human” jobs are more complex but lacking in meaning/engagement/stability.

— reason:: More years spent taking care of sick parents.. Watching their decline somehow makes me feel less happy For Them.. pessimism.

How about mom and dad after selling the home? I think they would indeed get a better quality of life in the luxury retirement home. Grandma would become happier .. I choose to be optimistic for both of them.

— reason::financial::inflation .. (rent, medical, transport, fashion, entertainment,,,) creates long-term worry in any age group. I think in previous eras, the average people don’t save so much, and don’t live so long

— reason::financial:: delayed and prolonged retiremenet phase

Unwanted obligation to save for retirement… is a decade-long thankless job and constant sacrifice.
This obligation, sacrifice, stewardship, due diligence, risk-management,,, affecs our simple happiness. We are forced to stay on our toes.

People in poor living conditions don’t need to save that much for retirement, and their retirement years are shorter.

Involuntary delay to retirement .. often due to inadequate retirement plann

Paul Allen’s life^mine #Jobs

Posted on by tiger40490

Jobs had a shorter life than P.A. His xpSelf had less enjoyment.

Jobs also had less wealth than P.A. for most of his lifetime, but did he need that wealth?

k_Kahneman

Q: Do I prefer P.A’s life or my healthy, uneventful life? (If the latter, then how about Jobs’ life?) Do I want my kids to have my kind of life or his kind of life? A contrast between xpSelf vs the evaluative rmSelf.

I feel Paul.Allen had a relatively short but full life. Paul had a wide range of ambitions. Unlike other people, P.A had the resources and Time to pursue them. He even turned a few into reality. Overall, I won’t trade places with him, definitely not for good — I won’t trade AA) my healthy mediocre life for BB) his life. His life was presumably fulfilling to the evaluative rmSelf, but no it’s not a life I prefer. In that bold statement, I choose to reject the Evaluation (of the rmSelf).

SuccessL — Goals, purposes, ambitious  are good and noble. They give meanings to a life. They are fundamental to a fulfilling (purposeful, productive) life. SuccessL is the flip side of my rejection. Jobs and P.A seem to have successL but who knows in 200 years?

Between AA and BB, which life would I want my kids to Live?  AA. I would rather my kids be mediocre [碌碌无为, 一事无成] but enjoy a healthy /uneventful/ long life.

— Family .. is a primary source of happiness (xpSelf) and fulfilment (rmSelf) for most of us, not P.A. He never married and had no children. There was no well-known long-term relationships with either a woman or man.
— health issues.. P.A lived with long-term conditions since age 29. His cancers were (successfully) treated at 30 and 56, but eventually killed him at age 65.

Did he (xpSelf) suffer too much? Not sure. Luckily, he didn’t subject his loved ones to psychological pains — he had no kids or partner.

— deserved much more time .. Somehow, D.Kahneman’s account about evaluation of a life story seem to suggest that many people would pay attention to the quality (esp. the ending) of his life. I don’t Feel that way.

I Feel his life is too short. Bill Gates said “Paul loved life… He deserved much more time.”.. the amount of experienced wellbeing. I agree with D.Kahneman that Duration Neglect is a serious disservice to the xpSelf. The xpSelf deserves many decades of fulfilling life on earth.

While it’s possible (5% chance?) Paul didn’t want to live 10Y more given the chronic conditions, my analysis of chronic conditions makes me doubtful. I think he was very used to his chronic conditions and wanted to live 10Y or 20Y more. He probably battled his cancer rather than giving up. Paul struck me as a courageous dreamer and doer. He probably wanted to get more done (just like my dad) or enjoy a healthy longevity.
— paradox .. factual vs imagined historical figure
I have read about Paul Allen a few times, a few minutes each time. I do want to understand Paul Allen’s life if I have the bandwidth, but most likely I won’t have it. My life is too short and there are too many things to read. Therefore, paradoxically it’s a good thing that P.A is (gone and) not a news maker like Musk, Trump, actors… I don’t feel the compulsion [due diligence] to gather more Facts. I don’t need more Facts! What I’m discussing here is an imagined version of Paul Allen. The real P.A is much more complex.

Peak-End rule ] rmSelf’s evaluation

Posted on by tiger40490

k_Kahneman

Within the scope of decision-making based on first-hand experiences, D Kahneman shared many insights about the PER [Peak-End rule. Global retrospective evaluation is well predicted by the average of the peak level of *pain* and the experience at the end]

  • My evaluation of my overall sexual life shows peak-end effect + a bit of duration neglect. My evaluation of a single intercourse shows peak-end effect + serious duration neglect.
  • My 2.5Y GS experience had a bad ending but I tend to brush aside the happy days (60%) .. DurationNeglect and PER
  • My 12M Barcap experience had a happy ending but I tend to brush aside the stressful days .. PER and DurationNeglect
  • each outing (with wife, or with any child) had better end on a high note (for the decision-making self…)
  • At the end of intimacy, better (kiss and) get up before she had too much of it. Make the ending less boring and forgettable.
  • UChicago is a good finale (ending on a high note) of my entire education journey. Without it, the entire journey would be remembered as downhill mostly because the NUS Y4 experience. The  FYP had a disproportionate lasting impact, casting a long shadow. The ending has a huge impact on my decision-making self.
  • a delicious dessert ending in a distate or overfill .. can leave a bad memory. Duration neglect !

First impression often lasts a long time, iFF it is also the last impression.

In end-of-life evaluations, historicans, journalists often highlight the ending on a low note, promoting the PER rule. We the readers often forget the hedonimeter total [decades of experienced wellbeing] prior to the decline. Somehow, we assume the final 3 years of relative poverty (average affluence) wipes out the accumulated wellbeing of a lifetime?

— Limitations of PER and Duration Neglect:

  • My MLP job (to a lesser extent, also Mvea, Citi jobs) had long months of comfort and peace. Duration neglect? I don’t think so. I do want to prolong the good periods.
  • Duration of intimacy? No duration neglect!
  • yoga experiences? I agree on the P but not the E in PER.
  • AllianzHY investment? No PER , though the E was dismal

— System 1/2 .. Individual decision making is largely by System 1 and the remembering self. The experiencing self doesn’t have a voice in the decision, and is displaced by the remembering self. This System 1 in action is simplistic and often irrational. Decisions thus made could be regrettable to some extent because the “hedonimeter integral” is still important, not only to the experiencing self, but to my long-term satisfaction. D Kahneman is clear about the last point on P385 [[thinking fast and slow]]. He feels the remembering self is sometimes a lousy decision maker. To counter that error, System 2 can influence the decision so as to honor the future experiencing self. The remembering self would acknowledge the past experiencing self, and would not regret or object.

family: important to xpSelf+rmSelf@@

Posted on by tiger40490

 

k_rmSelf_vs_xpSelf

Conventional wisdom: Many observe that _personal_health_ and one’s _family_ are the top 2 factors to personal wellbeing [11], mostly from the rmSelf’s perspective.

[11] wellbeing = happiness(xpself), satisfaction/fulfilment (rmSelf), short and long term wellbeing, life chances,,,

If your family life is relatively uneventful, without any “collective_suffering” (of multiple members), then your xpSelf probably won’t feel the importance of family. Within the family context, the most widespread collective_suffering  is loss of harmony. Some conflict is healthy and possibly necessary for family bonding, but excessive conflicts create pain and suffering throughout the family. Collective_suffering seems to be the reason why folks agree that family is one of the biggest determinants of wellbeing.

I think the conventional wisdom takes the viewpoint of a person living WITH [2] a family. “Family” mostly refers to 1)kids 2) spouse 3) parents.

  • I would say parents are no longer important to your wellbeing after you leave home, like 18. Many individuals have fulfilling lives without (parents alive, or) parental interactions .. Consider Genn. Consider many friends of mine who lost a parent at a young age. Consider the adults who grew up in a broken family (sometimes worse than no parents).
  • The bond between spouses is loose in 49% of the couples around us. Unlike the other “family bonds”, this one is consensual [by choice] and can be dissolved consensually. Some percentage of married individuals learn to adapt and reduce dependency (of personal wellbeing) on this loose bond. So the real world observations reveal that for close to half the adults, this factor is not as critical as personal wellness is.
  • The most powerful of the 3 “bonds” is with your kids. The more kids you live with, the more attention they demand, therefore they become a bigger factor[11].
  • .. jolt: However, in the real world, many successful [11] individuals have no kids, or don’t live with some of those kids (re-married, divorced, separated, imprisoned). There  are many (realistic) stories where a parent is separated from a biological child for years and then reunites. The parent-child bond then took years of rebuilding. By default, the parent doesn’t feel a strong bond to the lost-n-found child. This observation reveals that for a sizeable percentage of adults, the kids factor is not as critical as personal wellness is.

jolt: As a bachelor, I (evaluative rmSelf) didn’t envy my friends having kids. I only envied those with a sexually attractive spouse (Now I have mine 😉 because the sexual need I felt was not conditional on a prior experience living with someone for years and building the bond. See [19]feel`lucky+satisfied as bachelor,now again as married man

jolt: on many days, our hedonimeter would reveal that we derive more satisfaction from friendship, professional engagement, or solitude, rather than family life. Such an observation is often shallow, shortsighted, and transient, but so is the xpSelf and the hedonimeter by definition.

[2] Many get used to living away with loved ones… Re my U.S. experiences.

In conclusion, xpSelf doesn’t really suffer from the absence of kids or spouse. For some individuals, even the rmSelf would agree with the xpSelf.

— loss .. Suppose your personal wellbeing is modelled as a bank deposit account. The relative weight of an “asset” is revealed when you lose this “asset”, be it wellness or family.

If you lose part of your health vs part of your wellness, which loss is easier to cope with? Losing a body part is a long-term disability, comparable to disability in the family. In contrast, death in the family might be simpler.

If you lose entire family vs entire wellness (very rare), which loss is easier to cope with? Chris Reeve’s experience suggests that wellness disasters are much harder.

— The case of my maternal grandpa …. He lived with two wives in one home (initially two homes). Did the wives suffer in terms of experienced wellbeing? I doubt it. Did the children (including my mom and my aunts/uncles) experience anything related to so-called “broken-family”? Probably not, because such a set-up was common at the time. In fact, the set-up reflected the wealth of the family, and wealth does provide wellbeing during childhood (up to early adulthood). The net “measurable” loss of wellbeing[xpSelf and rmSelf] was probably zero, compared to the measurable impact of illness, poor sanitation, or incomplete education.

Q: did my mom have a bonding with her dad? Remember my maternal grandpa had 6 daughters and 3 sons, from two wives. I guess the bonding was not as deep as my daughter feels. However, my mom [rmSelf] had a good childhood, and didn’t feel unloved by her dad. My mom spoke of him always in loving words. I have reason to believe my grandpa was a loving father.

This one case study, in my family tree, is a powerful evidence that “family” is not such a huge factor on par with wellness. I would say the same about rmSelf or the xpSelf.

— out of sight, out of mind.. Imagine that you have lived alone (or in a second marriage) and have not seen your kids and spouse for 10Y. You don’t know their health or financial pains, so to your “family” isn’t a huge factor on par with health.

Some men have multiple wives and long-term mistresses, and many kids in different cities. Such a father can’t really have a real relationship with his kids (or his multiple partners) who don’t live with him. Such relationships require time and physical presence. I think he may find fulfilling companionship in one or a few individuals, but his sexual partners may not be among them.

— modification .. of the conventional wisdom. “Family [kids, marriage] is a top 2 factor[11] iFF you live with your loved ones, with collective_suffering. The size of that live-in family determines the weight of this factor. “

As a consequence, to many individuals , family is a much smaller factor, ranked below pff, job satisfaction or friendship.