Category: wellBe`

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(unhealthy)longevity: I aim high #YY.T

Posted on by tiger40490

In Dec 2023 I started to worry about quality_of_life in my mom’s twilight years, either in a Beijing nursing home, or a Singapore nursing home, or living with my wife (while I’m away in the U.S.), against the backdrop of her declining health.

quality_of_life is another side of VV (one of the trio).

All the scenarios appear pathetic, unappealing, scary,,, As people grow old, they are bound to experience (some or all of) mobility decline, mental decline, living away from immediate family, or outside their own comfortable n familiar home. Inevitable for many in their 80s.

Given an elderly’s health, financial and family situation, his choices are often limited. If money is not the problem (willing suspension of disbelief), then perhaps he can live with family + adequate healthcare at home [R.Teo’s dad?]. Hopefully (big hope), the in-law caregivers are able to cope, supported by plenty of external resources. This “acceptable” bar is too high to be realistic.

Before I can plan ahead, I have to give up on unrealistic expectations.

How about my ADL insurance? I now feel somewhat more vindicated.

The more children and grandchildren I have, the more resources I have available in my old age.

— update: life chances ..  healthy longevity, short glorious life ..

eg: Steve Jobs had a short but glorious life. Did he want to live longer and enjoy more life chances? I bet he did.

Have you observed aged (extende) family members or neighbors in unhealthy longevity, perhaps a burden to his loved ones? Do they want to live longer? Do they see any life chances in the remaining lifespan?

k_Kahneman .. k_def_of_success .. k_daily_battle

See also

I discussed with 92S27 classmates Wenjie and Huiyi why a longevity target of 95 is so rare and unpopular. The individual reasons vary, and depend on individual life experiences and observations.  I said there is a dominant/overwhelming opinion, a personal opinion enforced by vast majority of peers, so any opposing view would have virtually no followers. Here is how I would describe it:

  • V V) Quality (i.e. worth) of twight phase of longevity .. questionable, as the final years are perceived as usually unhealthy longevity, or limited mobility… limited/unenviable quality of life. See DALYs [ disability-adjusted life years]
  • SS) long-term nonstop Sacrifices .. required to reduce longevity risks .. is very long, painful, tangible and immediate .. nonstop from today for 30Y
  • RR) Hazards — risk reduction efficacy .. given the multitude of hazards to longevity, the achievable risk reduction is perceived as rather low and by no means guaranteed. In other words, those hazards are presumed uncontrollable. This life-chance (the chance to avoid the hazards) is perceived to be very low regardless of personal effort.
  • .. analog: covid measures were similarly perceived to be ineffective or questionable in efficacy, including vaccines, masks, distancing,,,

I said the above 3-point view has a starting point — inertia i.e. unwilling to give up the comfortable, familiar and less-than-healthy lifestyle. Therefore, these 3 factors sound like excuses. Inertia is very hard to overcome for most individuals. Change often takes a long time and a lot of soul-searching. In contrast, the alternative starting point (my ideal) is maximum longevity regardless of healthy/unhealthy (VV). I see the risk reduction efficacy as significant (RR), and I don’t care about the sacrifices (SS) — My perception of the evidence is the opposite of RR description above. I believe in BMI, workout, diet habit, regular health screening,,,. I don’t calculate the amount of risk reduction because fundamentally, it is non-quantifiable. But see the lifespan dev textbook.

Most unretired individuals have observed some /nonagenarian/ relatives or neighbors up close. I guess most of us associate these individuals with poor VV. When we learn about how their longevity was achieved, we inevitably hear a variety of long (and non-trivial) sacrifice (SS).

I aim higher on longevity .. Most unretired individuals choose , conservatively, to aim lower in terms of longevity. By “lower” I mean aim below the life expectancy at her current age. For example, when my wife is 45, her actual life expectancy is probably 90 in Singapore, but her aim could be a few years lower.

eg: my wife; my sis; Tanko; many people in developed countries.

Belief A: (VV) Subconsciously, she often believes “Less is more” i.e. her life could/would be better if it ends around 80 , better than a life with X additional years of “low quality living” perhaps /saddled/ with a chronic condition. DurationNeglect.

BeliefA2: For various reasons, many unretired individuals believe it is reasonable/legitimate to “aim lower” rather than “as long as possible”. I am not sure. A jolt question to challenge this belief:

Q: what if you end up outliving your longevity target by a decade+? Unless you are really suffering (rare), I bet you won’t want your life to end right there. The reality, as you will realize, is that despite the “reduced quality”, that extra decade is still worth living. It’s known as the golden years, rather than twilight years. I think the individual could regret some of the lifestyle decisions she made at an younger age.

I later wrote to one of my 92S27 classmates “My family is not rich.. my kids are not brainy .. My home is modest.. I have no car no maid… but I enjoy my carefree easy life one day at a time .. Trying to improve diet, exercise, sleep, reading habit etc… Life is short n tough, and I aim to make it longer n easier”

— SS .. The main daily battle, as introduce by Alex of MS, was about diet. Some non-overweight individuals also engage in the daily battle, as I described to Bindi of EAP.

Other bposts under t_Promethean all beg the question “Is such a life worth living as long as possible?” SuccessZ?

In Dec 2023, I described to XH.Fu 3 examples of sacrifices .. 1) diet 2) exercise and 3) tech learning. #3 is relevant to healthy longevity because it extends my employment phase and delays retirement. Retirement often triggers a decline in wellness.

Breathing / meditation can be classfied as a form of exercise but I would rather treat it as a distinct form of self-practice. It requires discipline (sacrifice)

Another example is sexual activity. Longevity may require you to reduce and regulate sexual activity but many people don’t care.

— Locus of control (RR) .. is a perception, a explanatory style, and a personal belief.
Belief B: (related to RR) An unretired individual recognizes that his lifespan is unpredictable and believes that aiming higher is meaningless.

Beyond the longevity topic, in general, people who believe fate is beyond their control would not bother to reduce the risks. Since the effort (SS) is substantial and long-term, any personal doubt about its efficacy would frequently derail the commitment.

In contrast, people who believe in self-efficacy are motivated to improve their life chances.

— successZ .. My perception and practice on SS is typical of my self-discipline and successZ.
— self-talk and self-conviction .. are powerful across these 3 points. I now describe to more friends my SS attitude [don’t care], my VV attitude [好死不如赖活着] etc.

I also acknowledge that my self-conviction is susceptible to negative influences. I told YY.T about my dad. I can see YY’s active lifestyle is hampered by his knee injury, and something may happen to me as I age. Therefore, the 3-point self-talk is a constant battle against blackholes. I want to talk to more positive individuals, giving me positive influence.
— qualifying unhealthy_longevity (VV) .. Unhealthy longevity means below 60% of perfect health during the final 20 years. 好死不如赖活着.  In contrast,

  • Any ADL or TPD would mean a score below 50%
  • a real chronic condition would bring the score well below 60%, including wheelchair, permanent paralysis.. (However, most chronic conditions are not so serious.)
  • I would say a score of 60% is healthy_longevity
  • I would say a score of 80% is exceptional_healthy_longevity
  • 100% perfect health is unthinkable in the aging of bones/joints (mobility), eyesight, hearing, skin… let alone internal organs.

liv`with chronic condition #ADL

Posted on by tiger40490

How about CAD, t2dm

k_rmSelf_vs_xpSelf  .. k_X_focusing_illusion  .. k_CAD

This blogpost started with a ADL/TPD focus and included some less severe but still chronic conditions detrimental to quality_of_life [wellbeing] in old age. Now I feel the ideas in this blogpost are relevant to a wide range of  (medical or non-medical) long-term conditions related to old age, like loneliness, gradual loss of mobility.

  • eg 2: Christopher Reeve
  • eg 9: In 2007, XXX.Hou (L.Hou’s dad) described himself as struggling-with (he sounded more like defeated-by) multiple conditions in nervous system, 内分泌 system, respiratory system, circulatory system, reproductive system, etc. Since then, I have always concluded that his life experience in those years was miserable, and he was suffering through those years, but really?
  • Paul Allen may have suffered ill health for much of his later years, but … “Paul deserves much more time.” Unlike Bill Gates, we outsiders often hit DurationNeglect and fail to realized that Paul’s xpSelf wanted to live longer, albeit in a form of unhealthy_longevity (defined later in this blogpost).
  • eg: in 2022 I jogged past a a street poster (treatment ads) showing a man’s upper body with dozens of skin lumps. What if the condition is chronic and can’t be treated? I think this condition is much less severe than ADL/TPD, so yes we will get used to living with it. The older we get, the more “appearance deterioration”will become chonic… including drooping, skull elongation, obesity.
  • eg: My mom, always scared of losing mobility permanently in old age, is now positive about her will to live with that, but she said she would prefer to die if she falls into /vegetative/ state.
  • eg: Ken.Lew‘s “desperate” workout… He is battling his long-term “condition” with long-term strategy. We outsiders (our rmSelf) tend to see his struggle as hopeless (he said “desperate”), but is his xpSelf suffering as if tormented day in day out in a prison? I don’t think so.
  • eg: Rong.Zhu also described to me his chronic back pain — the “condition”. Well, it never disappeared, but he got used to it, exactly as Buddha predicted. Similarly, in the early 2000s, the 领头羊 young man described to me and ML his chronic migraine (the “condition”).

eg: 5k/M to support living with ADL is the main (but low probability) “condition” of this blogpost. Some people speculate that with 2 ADLs (or Total Permanent Disabilities) our quality_of_life is guaranteed to be  intolerable, and not worth living, so we probably want to end the suffering early.

I find this “guarantee” a very questionable evaluation by the rmSelf, largely influenced by mass media portrait of severe disabilities. Similarly, in the desparate: healthy lifestyle context, some would say Kenneth is desperate fighting a hopeless battle. “Is it worth fighting?” … the rmSelf asks itself.

In this kind of forecast and for most individuals, the rmSelf is the decision-maker. The xpSelf has no voice and is routinely neglected, but it deserves a lot of attention. The xpSelf ought to take the lead and decide whether such a quality_of_life is worth living. The evaluative rmSelf had better shut up and stop playing a backseat driver.

In my prognosis, I would surely /adapt/ to the ADL limitations (or TPD) and learn to enjoy a much reduced level of well-being and /satisfaction/fulfilment/. I believe my zqbx strength will shine through.

In reality, ADL limitations (or TPD) is not equal to “loss of all limbs” or “total loss of sight+hearing like Helen Keller”. Many ADL individuals live years of fulfilling life, in spite of their disabilities. (One of the first traction-secrets is refusing to compare with the able-bodied.) See Reeve.

Suppose from age 80 to 90 you have lived with fulltime nursing due to ADL or TPD, and now a family member tells you she is considering a similar insurance and asks:

Q: If you could choose a second life between two tough choices, do you prefer your kind of life (with the ADL) or a life that ends at 80, before the ADL event? In other words, would you rather be killed by the event? Is the 5 DALYs [from 80 to 90, but adjusted with a factor] worth nothing or worth living?

A layman on the street, considering the prospect of ADL, would probably choose the shorter life, believing (the “guarantee”) the final 10Y would be endured in misery. However, after living through the 10Y, you probably know it is a net-positive experience and therefore may choose to relive the same 90Y.

A disability-adjusted life year could be 2 twilight years spent disabled, but is worth more than zero.

With eg 9, XXX.Hou knows that his final decades (with multiple conditions) has been a net-positive and therefore may choose to relive the same life.

With eg 2, Reeve said he was “glad to be alive, not out of obligation to others, but because life was worth living.”[79]

on P405-6, Kahneman gave a few pointers around the Focusing_illusion[2] over serious and chronic conditions.

  • He pointed out that rmSelf’s evaluation of wellbeing (like CSASS) tends to compare the current life against life before the condition or agaisnt healthy people. I agree. The average person doesn’t “evaluate” her life every month, but when she does[2], indeed a comparison is automatically performed by System 1, often grossly incomplete. System 2 often does a quick review and approval, so she completes her quick-n-dirty evaluation, which usually reflects the condition. I would expect to see a below-average score on the CSASS.
  • He pointed out experienced wellbeing (like hedonimeter or experience sampling) of paraplegics and colostomy patients is similar to healthy people !
  • He pointed out that for many serious disabilities, there’s a large discrepancy between experienced (hedonimeter) vs evaluated (CSASS) wellbeing.
  • .. I think the thought and imagery of myself (or a loved one) becoming disabled is depressing and pessimistic .. “a life not worth living”, partly because it is largely a comparison with the able-bodied quality_of_life. However, if I don’t dwell on[2] [constantly evaluate] my condition then my experienced wellbeing can be close to normal.
  • .. to a lesser extent those with minor conditions are well-advised to avoid dwelling on it, including excessive reading and frequent testing.  If the condition won’t go away but receives adequate medical attention, then the fixation on it can create unnecessary suffering [loss of happiness and increase of dissatisfaction]. The xpSelf’s experienced wellbeing could deteriorate.
  • He pointed out at end of paragraph1 on P406 — It appears that the (evaluative) rmSelf (of colostomy patients) is subject to a massive Focusing_illusion about the quality_of_life that the xpSelf endures quite comfortably. If you reflect on your condition, it’s tragic and you would rather have a shorter life “next time”; but if you don’t dwell on it, then it feels superficially fine.

It echoes the Buddhist insight of impermanence “Every pain and every 快乐 (bliss, satisfaction of desire) will die down.” In some unfortunate cases, the victim dies before the pain dies down (my mom’s mom). In all other cases, our biological systems adapt themselves to progressively reduce that pain/joy signal. After months or years, eventually we will learn to live with it (like covid19). We may no longer notice it, until we compare with the able-bodied.

positive eg: if after 10Y, a faithful couple continue to enjoy intimacy (even though the passion dies down somewhat), then they are lucky.

[2] https://btv-open.dreamhosters.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=549&action=edit describes — Focusing_illusion can be tricky to describe and understand. Here’s a striking example. Remember the story “We complain about our shoes / When some people don’t have no feet.” Is that a good habit to compare that way and feel less unlucky? What if one day you lose your foot? That habit is a double-edged sword and can amplify the negative self evaluation due to the Focusing_illusion.

幸福:2cornerstones #breakaway^goodLife

Posted on by tiger40490

k_mellow k_def_of_success

See also

This bpost needs more clarity, to avoid becoming yet another forgettable analysis.

TJ.Lin: comfort zone guarded by internal^external protections is a simpler, earlier version of the GG+BB framework. GG is an external driver of my 幸福. BB is an internal driver.

— /genesis/ and intro .. In Sep 2022, when grandpa once against said my 幸福感 was precious and admirable, I realized that my 幸福 [peaceful contentment, successE, fat-n-happy, carefree ezlife] is rare (among my cohort) in two ways — GG) “good life” BB) breakaway. Both are impermanent in the Buddhist sense…. but I’m slowly growing confident.

As to the English translation, I feel /contentment/ is the more apt word than satisfaction.

— GG) By many objective yardsticks (data-based), my current life is a precious good life, not common even among the WSt elite.

However, I try to keep my feet on the ground — this “good life” is impermanent and utopian.

This “Good life” is more successE[cashflow, wellness, harmony] than successC.

— BB)  there are numerous imperfections in my “good life” that are commonly perceived as less-than-enviable, but as if by magical power I have progressively /neutralized/ and embraced them, and gradually mellowed up, breaking away from the common wrong priorities of the rat race.

Breakaway requires bold, independent thinking, honest and incisive self-evaluation, serenity, relying on self-knowledge advantage.

A small subset of the imperfections are listed below. Sometimes I perceive these imperfections as character building, tests of conviction, hard lessons.  Serenity is still badly needed whenever I find my blissful bubble derailed into a storm. There have been no big storm since 2018… reminds me of the long peace after WW2. A minor storm — boy in late 2023.

Crucially for my current 幸福 , my center of gravity is progressively shifting away from the wrong priorities [successsC, exclub,,,] towards wellness [including mental], successZ+E,,, I refer to it as a bold breakaway.

— Q1: What specific elements in GG or BB have improved (starting sometime in 2018) that give rise to my current 幸福感?

  • (BB+GG) anxiety/disappointment about boy….  Boy improved, but more crucially, I mellowed up more than his mom.
  • (GG) PIP .. appr by manager.
  • (BB) FOLB… I had many discussions with S.Liu, YY.T.
  • — for decades, above are the big-3 derailers/stressors across my tectonic plates. Below are Additional items:
  • (BB+GG) marriage, bonding with meimei
  • (BB) 5/wk workout .. improving my successZ
  • (GG) commute

For this bpost title, I chose “cornerstone” rather than “pillars”. Cornerstone is secure, not precarious.

life=short;Spend more@joys, less@commute++

Posted on by tiger40490

k_rmSelf_vs_xpSelf  k_X_focusing_illusion

See also

  • chore^pleasure[def] hours of a day .. more short-term
  • https://tanbinvest.dreamhosters.com/9489/longer-commute-iwt-smaller-home/ .. pointed out that small home size is generally easier to cope with than long commute.

[[Thinking, fast and slow]] also says “The central fact of our existence is that time is the ultimate finite resource.” So for the well-being of our xpSelf, we had better arrange our lives to spend more time with things/people that give us pleasure, and less time with negative things such as commute or doing chores alone.

Profound.

— quality time .. a vague term frequently given to me when I say I spend most weekends in office alone. Actually working in office on weekends (similar to working early mornings or evenings) is Quiet, Productive and sometimes enjoyable. By rescheduling non-trivial workload to those quiet hours, I was able to transform non-quality time to quality time !

(Family quality time? out of scope.) “Personal Quality Time” is a personal assessment. Here is a list of personal assessments at the present moment. For simplicity, I use “binary” assessment.

  • yes: loafing, day-dreaming … definitely non-productive, but can be quality time.
  • yes: good sleep, even at a “wrong” time and wrong place
  • no: time with family at home .. often unproductive and less-then-enjoyable
  • no: study just for a f*** exam… but look at Aunt Genn’s exam experiences in her 40s
  • no: chore alone .. I consider it unproductive, but some people can enjoy it, like gardening

Now, some “items” that are ambiguous, hard to classify, “depends”,,

  • yes: learning piano .. not always enjoyable. Consider grandpa in his late 80s
  • yes: commute .. can be productive and enjoyable, but only if seated. However, Sachin said while standing he could close his eyes and meditate .. unbelievable.

— “weekend renzi trips”… Now I have a less negative (still negative) view. Grandpa said many times that my time was not wasted, but he didn’t explain why. In hindsight, I didn’t like the ROTI, and I sacrificed too much — opportunity cost.

Now I think

  • if I didn’t have important things (opportunity cost) to spend my weekend hours, and
  • if both of us (boy and dad) enjoyed the time together, and
  • if we didn’t spend huge amount of time “having fun”, and
  • if the retrospective evaluation is not extremely negative and regretful.

, then the tcost doesn’t have to matter.

YLD ,DALYs[ disability-adjusted life years] #CAD

Posted on by tiger40490

k_CAD

Before DALY, people used YLLs. DALY introduced YLDs to the picture:

  • YLL [years-of-life-lost, or potential years of life lost due to premature death]
  • YLD [years-lived-with-disability/disease, i.e. equivalent[1] years of Full health lost due to disability / ill-health]

The DALY relies on a universal recognition that the most appropriate measure of the effects of chronic condition is time, both years lost due to premature death and years spent disabled. One DALY represents (the loss of) the “equivalent”[1] of one year of Full health.

[1] weightage of common disabilities https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disability-adjusted_life_year has a table of “disability weightage” for common disabilities like dementia, amputation, blindness…

eg: CAD may cost me 40Y of “healthy lifespan”. Using a weightage of 0.05, I would lose 0.05*40=2 DALYs.

T2dm (prevalent) feels worse. Total Gastrectomy (rare) feels worse… I won’t dwell on these depressing diseases and weightages.

eg: YY.T may sometimes feel his knee condition will cost him 50 years of “active lifespan”.

DALY was developed to compare life expectancy of two countries. DAYL is a societal measure of the disease burden or disability burden. However, I use DALY for individual assessment.

In 2019, Singaporeans were expected to live up to 74 years in good health, compared to 67 in 1990.

MTBF: all-green #calmBtwStorm #CB2022

Posted on by tiger40490

 

k_all_green_dashboard  k_X_power_descriptor

(This blogpost may need to be absorbed into the bubble-ball post, or the blackhole post)

Scope: This bpost is mostly (not strictly) about everyday stress, mini-storms, rather than disasters [swans or missteps]. This bpost is the twin sister of longPeace bpost.

I have this vague sense of carefree comfort zone or utopia. I need a better criteria for the _loss_ of this carefree feeling. Nowadays, I tend to spend half my time outside this comfort zone.

  • One way to describe the situation is the bubble ball. When it bursts or derails we know we have lost the carefree feeling. We can call it mean time between bursts, but the criteria is very vague.
  • another way to describe it is the relative calm between (often minor) storms. This metaphor is mentioned in ##bubble at risk@derail`] storms+blackholes
  • A better characterization is the all-green big-brother dashboard. BigBrother is a system monitoring tool I used in 2001-2003. I remember it says if any system component has an issue, you will see some red or amber. If you find yourself in a sea of green then you are very lucky. When a sufficient number of reds show up, then we know we have lost the carefree /utopia/.

The most common stressors are

  1. disasters/storms .. See the Scope statement
  2. dissatisfaction blackholes ..
  3. .. (involuntary?) benchmarking against arbitrary, unreasonable standards .. We are often encouraged, nudged, persuaded to compare with other people. Those trainers do that all the time.

A single stressor [like BMI or BGC title] is often “ring-fenced” thanks to my various white_blood_cells [resilience, self-esteem, stress prevention/reduction/protections,,,], but a random combination of stressors can often derail/burst my bubble and even threaten the “camel’s back“.

— CB2022 .. A hard lesson on MTBF .. Soon after publishing this blogpost, I hit the CB2022 disaster. We can call it a storm, a misstep or a swan event. My blissful carefree life, my Almost all-green dashboard suddenly turned into huge red. I’m forced to confront the bitter consequences of pro-active resignation from an extremely comfortable job, that I assumed to last a few years.

— passive acceptance ^ unrealistic utopia .. the balance
On one hand, we often have to accept that life is unpredictable so the all-green state is a utopian condition, unlikely to last very long.

On the other hand, we want to guard against passive Acceptance. We do want process-improvement for better quality control, put in place preventive systems/processes, and reduce if not eliminate recurring issues.

Perhaps a hidden support factor for the utopia is a sustained focus on the positive parts of my current life. When I become busy I usually focus on the problems that need System2 (including dissatisfaction blackholes) and therefore lose sight of the positives.

[22]TJ.Lin: comfort zone guarded by int^ext

Posted on by tiger40490

The megaworld title headache, late-2023 parenting headache, CAD, mid-2024 work stress,,, reveal that my current carefree ezlife is precarious indeed. See blogpost on mean time between failures.

CB2022 is a bigger jolt to my comfort zone. External dependency indeed. ZQBX indeed.

This is a heavily adapted email to my friend TJ.Lin, probably early 2023.

You asked
Q1: assuming you are living purely on your savings, and you are not worried about the savings, what is your worry?

I said that indeed I don’t worry about money , over the medium horizon. Yet I do feel my current carefree ezlife is fragile/precarious, possibly transient. The biggest fragile pillar is the MLP job (re CB2022), but deep down, I cherish my wellness + blissful family life more than MLP job or other things, so I have a subconscious attachment. I worry about losing my job, cashflow high ground,,,, less than I worry about losing my health or family. However, if I lose _any_ of these, I am confident that I would survive. Remember I told you about 自强不息? That’s how I will cope, and how I will work my way back to a positive, meaningful life.

You then asked a more fundamental question:
Q2: Is your current comfort zone [comfortable ezlife, bliss, utopia, carefree bubble, harmony, tranquility,,] guarded by external or internal forces?

I said that currently, I rely on external factors and feel overdependent, precarious and insecure. Factors like current job (heating up in 2024), wellness and family harmony (lost in late 2024).

I said that internal locus of control is possible and would be better. It would give me more independence , resilience, and self-reliance. Now I think the internal driving force is zqbx [自强不息]. In reality, a disaster [swan or misstep] is often too big (consider Christopher Reeve), but if your life were to go on, then you would eventually survive and rely on 自强不息. This human will can be more powerful than we could imagine.

The more we think about the external factors esp. the missteps/swans, the more we want to strengthen our shields.

ML.J’s领头羊friend

Posted on by tiger40490

k_rmSelf_vs_xpSelf .. k_semi_kai3mo2

In the early 2000s, I once met a technopreneur through ML.Jiang. (Later I introduced Piming.Che to meet him when he told Che about 领头羊).

This young man described to me and ML his chronic and persistent migraine. He said he usually sleeps 6H but the migraine would cause insomnia. I asked him how he could bear with such pains. He shrugged and said “忍了”.

At that time I was envious of his exclub and successC.

Now I think his xpSelf suffered for years. He looked like a failureE. Not enviable at all. No successL, no successE, striving for the wrong priorities.