[07]anger(+anxiety)tips #le2ZR

k_anger_mgmt

Hi ZR,

I’m in a bit of anger right now. I think the following tips could help me and other people in similar situations

* sit down if possible, in stead of standing
* lie down if possible, in stead of sitting
* relax and relieve the frown between the eye brows
* when left alone, try to position the mouth as if in a “slight” smile. Not a fake smile, just a relaxed and peaceful position, like the Mona Lisa smile
* deep breath, while rubbing the chest downward repeatedly
* hum a simple, non-emotional song if appropriate

If one of these helps you once ….

LG-n2h, LG-NoGuilt, LG2, LGpp, LGlp

  • lg NG .. let go no guilt
  • lg N2H ..let go as an optional item, nice to have
  • lg2 — let go as a 2ndary item
  • lg LP .. let go as a low-priority item. Less specific than lg2
  • lg PP .. let go and postpone
  • — consistency is a lglp and lg-n2h
    • Use any case
    • no hyphen needed

I think I picked up this let-go phrase and “mellow” from Theodore Rubin.

extremely powerful mini de-stressor

##Let us accept #acute pains]fall`behind

k_mellow

  • Accept that he would have no desire to change the habit of sugary beverage.
  • Accept his fitness — no talent, no determination, no habit,
  • Accept that he could have more joy in a lighter-load learning environment but in reality he is unable to climb up there — trapped inside the tower at the hot section down below (the hell)…
  • [t] Accept that he will spend lots of his precious leisure time in ineffective homework + additional tuition, not learning much, but he doesn’t care.
  • [t] Accept that he might continue to wastes his time for hours after lunch, and then in the 11th hour suffer the pressure and fail to complete his homework, but he doesn’t care.
  • [t] Accept that because of heavy homework, he would have limited sleep, but he doesn’t care. Improved after P6.
  • [t] Accept that due to insufficient spare time, I would have limited methods to motivate him.
  • [m] Accept he would use calculator for everything.
  • [m] Accept that he may not acquire the pattern-recognition “vision” crucial in math word problems, and pattern recognition could remain a “don’t-care” item for him.
  • [m] Accept that he might continue to wander off in class, later unable to apply the new skill on his math homework.
  • Accept that he could remain very weak on P2 arithmetic skills, largely due to lack of effort
  • [mt] Accept that he might continue to refuse pencil, and continue to waste his precious time on correction tapes. Accept that he would NOT learn to cross out and quickly restart.
  • [m] Accept that he will remain too lazy to apply his mind or bother to recall what he learnt in the past.
  • [m] Accept my time spent “helping” him may continue to produce dismal results, leading to frustration, regret,,,
  • Accept that he would continue to lose his expensive belongings like bottle, calculator, goggle, pencil-box, glasses, MRT card,
  • Accept that even if he gets up 10 minutes in advance he would still leave home too late. Completely improved.
  • Accept he would continue to reach school late. Completely improved.
  • Accept that he could complete my math worksheets but refuse correction
  • [t=time-usage efficiency]
  • [m=math, esp. word problems]
  • [any number=category 1 to category 3 of acute pains]

Looking into the pattern of my anxieties, I think most of the acute current pains are related to falling behind other kids (of the same age group). Items below present themselves over a longer horizon.

  • Accept that his benchmark results may remain far below those “academic kids” including those “China kids”

##[202405]this fortnight≅12M-peak

k_carefree知足常乐easy_life …. k_tectonic …. k_def_of_success … k_X_focusing_illusion

These few weeks might be one of the best times in the last 12M. The fact that I’m trying to find time to clear backlog in git-blogg and emails … is a telltale sign of stable stress and effecrive coping.

Many of the factors would start to /fade/ within a month but let’s live in the present.

  • — I like, and actually moved up, twisters (“_b_u_t_”)  and highly specific items ..
  • [j] grand parents declining _b_u_t_ finally moving into luxury DJDJ, with a franchise, trec and reputation.
  • .. I did my part to help out.
  • [z] meimei math .. falling _b_u_t_ daily drill with daddy. I did my part
  • [h] job satisfaction declining _b_u_t_ relatively stable job, unlike Frank.Fu during his final year, or Ash.S unhappy about his job
  • .. [z] engagement, commitment at work… with sense of urgency, growing confidence
  • my assigned projects (for this fortnight only) .. challenging, unfamiliar _b_u_t_ within my competence, with reasonble timelines, a lot of local help
  • [h] boy chat .. still going strong even after CAD
  • [j] intimacy .. still enjoyable even after CAD, on the back of a stable relationship, and supported by consistent workout
  • [z] pull-up.. still going strong
  • [z] body flexibility .. reasonable up-keep
  • [h] China capital control .. a real stressor. I have mellowed a bit
  • [j] income .. not decling; actually higher than ever, thans to successZ
  • .. [h] inflation .. affecting me much less than my peers or the general public
  • [j] declining mental capacity at work .. to my surprise, am not falling behind most of my (younger) teammates
  • [v] no illness .. skin, joints,,
  • [j] no sleep problem .. no mosquito no heat wave. I still sleep easy..
  • .. thanks to my workout
  • [v] no breakdown at home or in any hardware
  • [v] no pff challenge this month
  • — not exactly about 12m-high
  • BGC .. title progress albeit slow; rental non-stop
  • [v] parenting anxiety reduced from end of 2023
  • [j=not 江河日下 quick decline as expected]
  • [h=holding strong despite the widespread pattern of decline among other people]
  • [v=vague]
  • [z=successZ]

— Turning point?
Friday 31May chat with boss… gaining confidence, commitment,,, to localSys
Grandparents move-in … harmony

(More important?) Inflection points

  • CAD .. acceptance, adaptation
  • Grandpa decline .. acceptance and harmony
  • Boy’s O-levels .. acceptance and hamony
  • meimei’s math .. acceptance and consistent effort

Q: So, which tectonic plate strengthened the most during this “improvement”?
A: gz.

Many plates experienced small quakes (aging, academics, CAD, wellness,,,) but each plate has improved in flexibility, resilience and harmony, even if temporary… successZ

My successC declined, my successZ strengthened.

bullied by shop assistantS

k_anger_mgmt

A little more love for my still-intact heart… Frequent anger can affect blood pressure. My heart rate actually went up when confronting the bully, as we get a burst of energy. If this happens often, it causes wear and tear on your artery walls. Research backs that up.

Sugg: State your demnad like ‘I hope you can accept your fault, and learn a lesson.‘ If the salesperson refuses, then at least I made my demand.

Sugg: Speak slowly and avoid raising your voice.

Sugg: Avoid attacking, which tends to invite counter-attacks and dangerous escalation of tension.

The salesperson is often young, untrained, and doing the job relunctantly.

[21]stop pushing boy@academic motivation #Rahul

Background — I told Rahul that my son’s level of effort is lower than his classmates’, despite everything we have tried. He is not fixated on the marks. There’s an abundance of Extrinsic motivators in Singapore, all tied to the test results, but they proved ineffective in the face of his heavy resistance.

Right away, Rahul suggested we try to build his “internal locus of control” i.e. the positive feedback loop linking effort and satisfying result. “Parenting by Logical Consequences”. We want him to experience, see, realize that his effort, not luck, not talent, not parents’ whim, is the real reason for the satisfying result.

Rahul suggested encouraging him on non-academic domains [1] where his resistance to “effort” is lower. Rahul said “(in N months) when he realizes the importance of studies he might come back to studies and apply himself”, drawing a “C” curve in the air.

I think grandpa also said something similar — “give him more time. wait for a few years”.

[1] How about piano, badminton, swimming,

Years ago, I also said that I wish to see one domain where he puts in effort consistently for a long time. Now I think Piano and badminton are success stories. Perhaps we can help him learn programming too, but it would take too much time — my time and his time.

Basically de-emphasize benchmark performance.

I have 51% confidence that U.S. (and Australian) systems are more natural at the primary school level. Some kids learn better in U.S. system, while other kids may learn better in the Singapore system.

##[23]coping solutions #R.Teo困扰 #MRT

Painting is known to be therapeutic. So is singing and playing musical instruments. My expressive writing is even more effective but none of these is as immediate, as dramatic, and 80% effective like my ED pill.

Sometimes the effect of painting/writing/// is underwhelming. That’s life.


It’s not obvious which stressors are beneath the current state of anxiety/pessimism. It takes skills, effort, practice and sys2 resources to /identify/ those stressors.

Sometimes my sys2 resources feel like depleted, and I choose to focus on chipping away at one of the big-rock stressors/tasks:

* math facetime, family game night, or outing with boy.. to make me feel less guilty as a father
* company projects
* DIYHI
* localSys refresh .. “direct” effort on an quadrant-II item

In the context of the R.Teo bpost (https://btv-open.dreamhosters.com/46375/23copsolutions-r-teo/), these efforts are “direct” efforts.
Other times, none of the direct efforts are appealing or effective, so I would try some diversion efforts or “biological” efforts.


k_office_sanctuary … k_quietime  … k_therapeutic_reflective_blogg

See also

Q: What are some of your tried-n-tested coping strategies/solutions/techniques for 1) anxiety (most common in me), 2) worries (2nd most common), 3) 困扰 [internal tensions/conflicts]?

By the way, the question statement is a good breakdown of the vague and broad concept of “stress”

[XX | YY = this solution is sometimes an XX , and YY at other times]
[a= directly address the actual or a related stressor (always plain visible, therefore real)]
[b=biological or physical in nature]
[c=cognitive solution, sometimes “a”]
[d=diversion techniques]
[h=harmony, with the body, family,,]
[H=I told HenryLew in 2023 or I wish I did]
[p1=stress prevention] .. [p2=stress protection] .. [r=stress reduction]

In the final 5 minutes of our CompassOne chat in 2021, I named 3 _main_ strategies.

  1. [bH p1p2] workout .. to some extent, I can feel turned off after “too much” exercise.
  2. [acH p2] therapeutic blogging .. (+self-talk) As I told Raymond, it can go more in-depth than a friend discussion. Am the best therapist for myself.
  3. [a|bd h p2] quietime .. away from family in quasi-isolation (like office sanctuary) often to /restore/ balance and harmony. This lifelong habit has recently (2023) become important and effective. I told Raymond about my decades-long library immersion habit or fastFoodRestaurant quietime. During the quietime I could study, blog, read magazines, or take a rest and watch people passing by (quiet idle time). This is similar to people sitting on a beach, but nowadays I simply go to MRT or bus interchanges.
    .. [b] early rise .. morning quietime is precious and productive
    .. [a|d H r] work on company projects in my quietime .. can serve as a diversion. As a by-product, it also reduces pressure from work.

— I will add a few _minor_ coping strategies —

  1. “tww” with smemo as a back burner ..  effective esp. with non-urgent decisions, or juggling…
  2. [d] exp recon, cash flow optimization to maximize net int
  3. [r p1] delay or reduce competing “efforts” .. so as to prioritize and preserve limited sys2/physical/financial resources. 缩短战线 to maintain the required focus.  For eg, take leave, block out work stressors so as to focus on one of the big rocks and chip away.
    .. [ar] identify and take on quick removals and improve focus
  4. [bhH p2] longer sleep .. effective if-and-only-if I feel physically stretched due to multiple/heavy stressors
  5. [acH p2] talk to friends/counsellors .. I realize that my friends are too busy to listen to me in-depth. Sometimes I call a counseling hotline if I have a specific question such as parenting. Occasionally, I would get a bold suggestion or actionable insight.
  6. [h] be creative with commute .. occasionally, train commute can serve as quietime and facilitate therapeutic blogging, but when time is a scarce resource, tcost of long commute could and should be reduced. For example, clear backlogs on train.
  7. [ach p2] praying and meditation .. effective and “direct” for some religious practitioners. Similarly, I often practice audible self-talk or sentence-completion.

It’s worth repeating that coping strategies are highly personal and individualistic. (For an analogy, each person’s favorite relaxation can be subtly different.) What works for you may not work for me. Below are some coping strategies that I no longer find effective:

  • [a|d b p1] DIY home improvement projects ..  My DIY project always aims to scratch a persistent itch on the back. A creative, challenging, engaging diversion. As such it can be highly satisfying, but see [i]
  • .. [bd p1] home clean-up, gardening .. a form of light workout and also creates a more peaceful, less cluttered environment, which can reduce stress. I guess some women like that, but not effective for me.
  • [d] reading vacation .. pick up some magazines or books (printed, not on screen) of interest. Many people like me tend to have a wide range of reading interests. An engaging read can serve as a diversion… usually not effective enough.
  • [bdhr] musical instruments
  • [d] movies .. not an effective diversion though I go to cinemas about 3 times a month, always alone. On the other hand, sometimes I sit outside the cinema hall (if seating is available) for 3 hours after the movie to get some quietime.
  • [d] gaming, watching sports, music, youtube .. inferior to movies or reading vacation. But effective for my son.
  • [b] drinking and eating ..  usually not very effective, but when I feel (System2) over-stretched I do eat a controlled amount of “comfort foods” such as ice cream or nuts.
  • [bd] get out and volunteer .. often involves physical movement, some interaction with other people, some new, unfamiliar challenges. One of the most effective diversions, but I have no time for it nowadays.

##protrud`wall fixtures: serenity

 


Whenever we take over a resale home, we deal with protruding wall fixtures (Even a new unit could have pillars, beams).

  • aircon trunking
  • fake column
  • wiring near the ceiling .. I don’t care but wife cares
  • power sockets .. we tend to move them when we take over the house

— gap space between furniture and wall
Can be good for ladder, foldable table, badminton … Be creative and resourceful.

— conflicting priorities
These fixtures were installed based on previous owners’ priorities. Their priorities could be aesthetics or cooling. The fixtures invariably affect MY priority — #1 being flexibility and (secure) furniture placement. For example due to a wall fixture, a cabinet or shelf would stand at a gap to the wall.

We need to understand the different priorities, and accept these imperfections with serenity.

For A/C trunking, let’s live with the /legacy/, and wait till we replace the A/C. This would reduce our TCO [total cost of ownership] and save us up to $5k, which always is an implicit top priority.

On some hot or stressful days, cooling is a priority for my family, so let’s accept the TCO.

— Serenity .. See also serenity^zqbx #passiveAcceptance
Many things must fix on the wall, and most of them can’t go to the top of the wall. It’s unrealistic to have entire walls 100% flat for maximum flexibility of furniture placement.

To accept the huge imperfections and legacy, I want to repeat a few short SMS.

adaptations: boy’s BM, earlyDinner #EDyw

Precise vocab is valuable, nearly indispensable, in describing psychological issues and attitude/perceptions. I’m still working on the vocab.

— Trigger event: 30 Jun 2022 my son saw Dr Nancy Tan again. I don’t recall exactly what they said, so I am retelling the story in my own words. My son’s body has to adapt to diet change [much higher water, veg/fruit intake, more frequent meals spread out,,]. She described that BM [ bowel movement ] varies among individuals, so each person need to deal with the signals that  bowel/bladder send to the brain. This signal can feel like random attacks, so the individual learns defensive tactics.

Hopefully, the individual gradually grows used to the signals and the underlying physical process. Perhaps a BM soon after a meal becomes the norm. Perhaps two BM a day becomes the norm.

— late night hunger .. Dr Nancy mentioned something about early dinner. I think she said that many people can finish dinner early and have no supper. I brought up the consistent hunger signal I receive at night. I told Dr Nancy that even if I have dinner at 8pm, I would still get the signal 4 hours later, around midnight. Therefore, anticipating the signal, I dare not take early dinner.

I said this is perhaps similar to my son anticipating urine/BM. The anticipation informs and affects our planning. But perhaps it doesn’t have to. The brain can adapt (be trained) to “deal with”[1] the signal, possibly suppressing it. This has been hard for me.

— OCD and phobia.. My son also brought up his OCD concerns to Dr Nancy. Later I told him my zip-checking OCD experience. I told him that nowadays I don’t care about my unzipped fly even in public — successful adaptation.

On the same day, I happened to pick up a book about OCD, and the author also discussed phobias — two related issues. Later I told my daughter about insect and needle phobia.

Again, the brain receives fight^flight signals and could over-react.

— EDyw and other sexual difficulties due to aging
As long as the individual adapts to the change and doesn’t let it affect family bonding, self-esteem, fulfillment of biological needs,, then successful adaptation. Some guys accept ED as a fact or life, but work to improve the situation. That’s also positive adaptation.

Some guys are fixated on ED, and therefore let it spill over to work, relationship, etc… Poor adaptation.

— [1] adaptation and harmony .. Dr Nancy used the phrase “deal with”. I call it adaptation, lifestyle adjustment and coping. Adaptation is crucial to harmony and carefree (successE). A common theme in my blogs. Adaptation has become a cliche in the mass media. Organizations (firms, schools,,,), industries, cities,,, must adapt to changing times.

In my son’s case, daily routine needs adjustment. Sometimes, we just need to get used to a change in the body, without lifestyle adjustment.

As long as the individual adapts to the change and doesn’t let it affect school, work, social life,,, then successful adaptation.