k_penalty_on_kids

弹钢琴我训他比奶奶训他少一些。他很不喜欢因为弹钢琴挨训。我训他最多的是因为他扭扭捏捏不肯写汉字。所以他现在只跟他妈学写字了. 谁对他要求严格 都容易造成抵制。誰管得松 好像没有底线 他就喜欢谁.

对他要有90%耐心。要接受他的不肯努力。他浪费我们的时间, 我们也得接受。这样才不会被他看成不喜欢的老师。你有这分耐心和足够的时间吗? 我没有。

所以我时常表示不满。有时候他懒惰的程度是无底洞。他妈也会看不惯。外公和爷爷早就置之不理了。

k_penalty_on_kids

My theory – set clear rules. Be firm. Deliver the consequence. Parenting with Natural and Logical Consequences, but remain supportive.

Reality – frequently he lost motivation and gave up. He seems to respond only to rewards, not punishment including “no TV”. Faced with such a consequence, he often refuses to do any work. I hope a buy-in on the target/consequence would fix it. Getting a buy-in is basically the art of persuasion and selling.

Most (if not all) form of penalty doesn’t work very well in reality. I think the theory must be adjusted for reality.

I hope “natural” consequence is different from penalties like “no TV no going out”.

This story is first in a series listed here

(strike-through – my subjective perceptions; bold and italic — facts)

My 7-year old boy had studied piano for 2 years. Talented student, but not motivated. Almost always reluctant to practice. When we asked him to practice, boy would almost always drag his feet for 15 minutes before sitting down. When he finally sat down at the piano, he would again refuse to put in real effort. This is a common time-waster in any practice of any skill. For example if you are asked to improve your table tennis or golf or whatever, you could hit the ball without aiming, over and over, and you would be wasting everyone’s time.

Here’s another thing I didn’t like — my son would very seldom practice by himself. In the last 6 months or so, he improved a little. He could practice by himself for 1 or 2 minutes, but it would be the passages he already knew well. It always looked like going through the motions. He would not take on an unfamiliar but already taught passage and practice hard, with a goal to improve. Therefore, an adult has to sit down beside him to get a serious practice.

In the last week or so, my son had relatively insufficient piano practice, partly due to two days of sickness, partly due to my busy work. As a result, the weekly piano session by our professional tutor didn’t make progress as usual. I felt slightly disappointed. My patience is not as good as tutor’s.

Today my son did put in some effort. By my estimate, we were at the piano for 1 to 2 hours, but he actually played for 30 to 40 minutes. I felt disappointed about his progress today. He would correct some old mistakes by repeated practice, then relapse. I felt he didn’t put in real effort half the time. In piano practice, I believe if you lose concentration for once, you would relapse and make  the same mistake. So I expected him to fully engage and concentrate to avoid making those mistakes. It was tough for him.

After the family watched a 2-hour TV show (in hindsight, I don’t like that), I suggested my son and I do some audio blogging together. I considered that an easy task for him, but actually he didn’t like it. So I suggested either audio blogging or additional piano practice.

Since I had not finished my dinner by then, I told boy “Get some self-practice first, before I join you”. (In hindsight this suggestion was inviting trouble and bound to end in pain and bitter disappointment.) I felt well justified to suggest it. In fact, I felt justified, as an authority, to order boy to do it, almost like punishment that he deserved.

I felt boy didn’t make enough progress today and this entire week. I felt boy had no choice but practice a lot more if he were to make up for lost time. I felt boy must face and feel the consequence. I felt I had to be tough, as many Chinese parents are.

As usual, boy remained lying down on the couch, and declared himself tired. (Boy later revealed to me that he didn’t like my standard practice — asking him to study more AFTER watching TV. I now feel everyone prefers to finish work Before play..) Immediately I felt this was a classic act of feet dragging and completely fake. I just hated this tactic, and I started boiling inside. I gave my son 3 seconds to get off the couch and start the self-practice. I started counting down out loud. As usual, he waited till the last count to get up. After the last count, he was just getting off the couch and not at the piano yet. The volcano erupted and I ordered him to face the wall. Boy started crying, and refused. I stood up and picked up a soft toy and yelled — “Do you want me to smash something? Go face the wall right now.” This was clearly a punishment for disobedience. My son was too scared to object.

After 20 seconds facing the wall, I ordered boy to start piano self-practice. He played seriously. My wife then complained that boy already had a lot of practice earlier today. As I defended my decision (as a manager), I saw the tears and fear on boy’s face. I realized I was using the piano as a whip.

— analysis —
I was fixated on “serious effort” and focused practice. Nowadays I don’t demand that.

Now, after the dust has settled, in the cool light of day, I felt I had insufficient justification to demand more piano practice. I could suggest but it would be an abuse of parental power to force my son. When boy said he was tired, I immediately assumed it fake. Now I know that I could also feel workout-fatigue. When my son did back down and follow my order, I took the opportunity to punish him, mostly to release my anger.

I now think “serious effort with concentration” is wearing. It costs a special mental energy (i.e. absorbency). If you ask a Primary school (P6) student to do 100 multiplications of single-digit integers, in MCQ format, she would wear out very slowly. Now consider 100 multiply-divide-add-subtract questions involving 3-digit numbers with decimal point. This is doable in MCQ format, but would wear her out, as it requires more concentration (System2 resources) to avoid mistakes in the intermediate steps.  So yes piano practice with concentration does wear him out. So how could we manage that? My son said “Say good (positive) things not bad things” when the going gets tough.

So when I ordered my son to practice by himself, what could he have said to defuse the bomb? I think something like “Dad I’m tired but I understand you don’t believe me. Could you give me some time to rest? I will practice later.” This would be adult-to-parent way of communication.

Bullying — this is one form of bullying. Could tell him stories of bullying.

Unfair treatment — my son needs to learn how to react. The authority (teacher, tutor, school staff…) is not always fair or right or rational.