Macq meet-up : the young ones

In Macq 2015 or 2016, I attended a meet-up social event for “employees below VP”. I was visibly the oldest among the attendants, mostly in their 20s and 30s. I felt OK until the organizer’s opening remakrs referred to the meet-up as “…the younger employees”. I soon left and never attended another session. It’s a shocker that left a long shadow.

Put yourself in my shoes. If you feel ashamed of your age/rank, I think it’s normal (not ideal [1]). If the shame drives you to improve your overall professional effectiveness, not mere OC-effectiveness,  then good. If the shame drives you to seek leadership roles, then it could be deadly — Not everyone is suitable for leadership.

There are also non-managerial leaders such as technical leadership roles. Again, I don’t see the necessity to “climb” in those directions.

Q: What’s wrong with a greying techie not occupying any leadership role, just a foot soldier until retirement? WallSt contract roles are the best example I known.

[1] The shame is a toxic by-product of the drive en masse towards greater/bigger/higher i.e. more visible “success” as defined by exclub. We parents often push our kids to “achieve” more and get ahead, but remember the 4 def@success.

membrane: selective listening

k_def_of_success

A letter not set out.

Hi TJ,

You are right about [[Thinking fast and slow]] but I mostly read the last 20%, a section on self-perception of well-being. That’s why I brought up Paul Allen, colostomy patients, healthy (and unhealthy) longevity.

Last week you asked why at my age I think so much about longevity. Well, I have always been a long-term planner, and now planning for the longest horizon till end of my life. Also, my parents talk about their health and late-life plans all the time.

I like your phrase “reaching that goal day by day”. Planning is easier than follow-through. I blog about my follow-through actions. I told you about my diet, workout, learning tech, active trading, hobbies…. not as fancy plans, but everyday actions.

You have a good point about “adjust” and “not affected by others”. I always feel the importance of the “membrane” through which we selectively (or involuntarily) receive influence. Clearly we need to adjust our planning, goals and priorities, mostly based on influence from other people, so we can’t operate with a water-proof membrane. Instead, each individual exercises discretion as to who we want to follow, who we want to listen to.

It turned out that many of my peers (classmates, colleagues, fellow techies) are not good influences on life priorities. I think many have not figured out what is important, so they follow the conventional, wrong priorities. So I want my membrane to block those influences. In reality, my membrane still lets in unwanted influence. I still question my breakaway from the convention yardsticks esp. about top schools for my kids.

I give an A- to my parent-child bonding, and my kids have a loving family. I am a caring father and don’t focus too much on academic benchmark. Still, whenever there is an academic comparison, my kids would often (like B-) appear inferior to the kids of my peers.

Tough. That’s why I need a highly selective membrane. I need long-horizon vision (that my father always shows by example). I need to drop the baggage and focus on the right priorities. Academic benchmark success doesn’t match my “easy life” yardstick, even though 自强不息 yardstick demands a serious effort.

Sent: Mon, Feb 21, 2022 11:10 AM
To: Victor
Subject: RE: a few topics discussed

I can understand how other values and they have own valid reasons. Since so many choices available and they make sense in different angle, that is why I said the most importance is you have your own belief and not really affected by others and willing to reach that goal day by day. You start from a solid belief and adjust it according to what you observe and practice. It will make ppl more mental health rather than anxious when seeing and comparing against others.

That is why I feel you got your point of work-life and you have strong reason to keep the current style.

PenguinDay chat about math facetime #less confrontation

A Cigna counsellor suggested that I invite my 12-year old boy to a chat and listen to his preferences on math coaching. I decided to be a listener rather than a talker [I still talked about half the minutes, but less than before] The 25 Apr 2021 chat flushed out several /misperceptions/.

Misperception: “his math homework was an excuse to put off my math problems” -> Actually, he didn’t know math homework can wait.

Misperception: “he is not interested in my math problems at all and wants to avoid it” -> Actually he named math as the one subject dad can coach. Boy asked me to give him the problem over phone, in advance.

Misperception: “my problems are quick” -> Actually, only some of my problem are quick, while other problems can take a long time.

Misperception: “his Chinese exam prep is not so urgent so critical, because earlier weeks/months are more important” -> Actually, teacher gave them 20 words and said 5 of them would show up in the exam. So boy needed time to cram the 20 words.

Misperception: “with Chinese compo, he was just dragging his feet. Another day or another time would be the same.” -> Actually, he was overloaded and under pressure in the morning/afternoon. To my surprise, in the evening he was ready to do math practice.

Boy cautioned me “avoid the days before a non-math exam”. Now in hindsight, I see my son similar to the skater.

Compared to the earlier afternoon confrontational face time, I didn’t act tough and stand my ground. Instead, I acted slightly more like a friend, as Aunt Genn suggested.

[2]] academic coach`: focus@my ROTI

bigger picture — In my parenting effort, if I don’t monitor my current ROTI, I would eventually feel the pain. Analog: if you don’t monitor your calorie/burn rate, you will eventually suffer/experience the cumulative effect.

Specifically, if some coaching effort is not effective (usually due to losing my cool), then cut losses right there, even if boy is suffering in numerous ways, even if I look like a quitter…

Basically, I can waste more time by trying to “help” him…. Sunk cost fallacy.

jolt: my deep (vague) disappointment with my renzi effort was largely due to the worldly, materialistic “progress”.
No progress, then i feel time wasted. That’s materialistic and sign of impatience.

You are an idiot, but you are My idiot son..

k_rmSelf_vs_xpSelf

[[House of Gucci]] is a memorable movie

At the airport, a recently released Aldo finally met his only son Paolo, and immediately embraced him. After he realized Paolo had sold his shares due to cashflow desperation, he was devastated but he embraced his son hard, and consoled him “Paolo, you are an idiot, but you are MY idiot.”

It reminds me of what Biden said about his son on live broadcast debate, watched by millions worldwide

Q: what do we (the rmSelf) remember about the lives of Aldo, Paolo, Rodolfo and Maurizio?

  • We tend to remember Paolo’s life as tragic due to “died in poverty” and also his unsuccessful ambition to launch his own line. In reality, that ambition is not the center of his entire life. We neglected the (hedonimeter) happy years of his life, which constitute most of his lifetime. Duration neglect and PER at play.
  • We tend to remember Maurizio’s life as a tragedy only because he was assassinated, ignore all the good time he had throughout his satisfied and abundant life. This evaluation by the rmSelf is completely illogical. Duration neglect and PER at play.
  • We tend to remember Aldo’s 84Y life as ending on a low note, because he was forced to sell his share (but for a huge amount). His life was the most fulfilling among all Gucci’s. His ending was actually as good as his brother’s. So the evaluation by the rmSelf is groundless.
  • We tend to remember Rodolfo as a lucky man because he was successful and had a natural ending. The ending was key to our rmSelf.

smashing”safe”objects = slippery slope

  • heat mat on dining table is safe and costs very little.
  • I think the old CDs are relatively safe.
  • I also smashed boy’s correction tape. Not so good.
  • Close to the extreme, Grandma used to smash ceramic ware. I think that’s fairly common in China. We have spare at home.

— some smashers … I feel these may not be effective in boiling anger.

  • Sugg: soft drinks? Smash without breaking?
  • Sugg: Buy or (pick up) some plastic utensils to smash, such as my spare bottles
  • Sugg: How about packets of biscuits?
  • how about fruits?

 

lazy boy@@ limited comparative evidence #1200w

This blogpost is filled with contradictions and sharp questions. It subverts many of my academic parenting principles and observations.

Trigger: I told grandpa that “my biggest 反感 (frustration, annoyance, anger) … is not benchmark result, but his laziness, i.e. poor motivation/effort”.

Now I think primarily we were using our generation as benchmark. I have very limited evidence about his peers’ effort. So far, based on such sketchy evidence, we are using interpolation to gauge their effort levels and then criticizing/labeling boy’s effort level as [inefficient, feet-dragging, no-initiative, no positive feedback loop, no intrinsic motivation 不上进,不求甚解 …].

We do this to have a plausible explanation for his benchmark result. This is comparable to the early scientists’ explanations . Later evidence such as “两个铁球同时落地“ discredited those explanations and scientists went on to revise their explanations . No shame no guilt.

I now believe absorbency is an ability, not just an attitude, so this offers another a plausible explanation.

My framework/explanation of effort+abilities holds well. Note effort, abilities and benchmark results are always relative_to_fellow_students.

Jolt: thanks to my first hand observation, I know his effort level in the final months of P6 was visibly higher than p5 … P5 was similarly higher than P4. Remember P6 (even P5) was comparable to gaokao in terms of workload, stress, competition, often depicted as a 400m dash.

Q (Jolt): What if his twin brother scores well, like top of his class, using even less effort than dabao, and dragging the feet even worse than dabao? I always maintain that “if you are competent then no need to work so hard” (An elastic yardstick?) Consequently, would I focus more on  benchmark result or laziness?

A: I think I would revise my perception of his effort/abilities. His effort level would NOT be tested in any benchmark so I won’t know how his effort/attitude/efficiency changes under high pressure. For an analogy, consider my localSys effort.

Remember Shanyou’s son in BostonU. Based on whatever little I know, this chap is very intelligent, but poor effort. He refused to study for SAT. However, in BostonU, he has been in Dean’s list 4 times in 2 years, so is it possible to achieve that without some real effort? No I don’t believe his fellow students would be so weak that even a poor effort would put him to top of his class. So I’m confident about my hypothesis that he puts in real effort, possibly less than fellow BostonU students  and possibly more efficient. Shanyou said the lad is efficient and probably put in effort.

  1. Jolt: U.S. schools use GPA rather than state-wide benchmark. In a benchmark, a hardworking student in an average school would score very poorly but hey , she is the top student in her school’s GPA.
  2. Jolt: A top-percentile diligent student in one state could score poorly in California
  3. Jolt: A smart, diligent student in Australia or U.S. would score poorly in Singapore’s A-levels, but hey she is in the top 0.1% in her country. I would say Liu Yong’s prodigy daughter could fall into this category.
  4. Jolt: in HJC, I observed first hand that these top Singapore students are less hardworking and would score lower in a tough China exam.
  5. conclusion: as outside observers without knowing the local context, I would likely say these students are … lazy.  I would say our judgement is mostly based on benchmark results.

Q: Competence (as measured by benchmark) — Looking into math competence, by Australian standard, boy could be quite competent, so perhaps he wouldn’t need to endure so much practice?

A: I believe his effort level could be lower than many Australian kids of his age. I believe his current benchmark competence is largely due to heavy practice (therefore his cumulative effort 积累) in Singapore. In other words, his past effort has been much higher than his Aussie counterparts, but his current effort is not spectacular. If he keeps his effort level low, then sooner or later he would become mediocre in benchmark competence.

A: I really don’t want to talk about JingHeng, but I guess his P6 effort was not higher than my son. He had a strong foundation built over the earlier years. (I had a similar experience — in grade 10, 11 I put in less effort than others. So if you look at the effort level in one year, you could find a contradictory evidence.) However, if his effort remains lower than my son’s, then he would be overtaken.

Q(jolt): I complained that his holiday time was decadent and wasteful, but what if he’s top of his class in Singapore? Would I say he is brilliant/efficient and should broaden his scope ?
A: I would still use the same words like decadent, not “efficient”. I would have my explanation/theory (based on effort/abilities) for his high benchmark performance. I believe my explanation would be abilities + low effort. However, it’s not possible for a careless/non-committed student to score high on Singapore benchmarks. I know from experience that many brilliant students in my class had to work hard to learn the patterns and avoid mistakes, across subjects.

Jolt: If I compare my level of effort to (the idealized image of) Rahul or DeepakCM, or some of those cramming/coding students, do I also deserve punishment? Looks like fundamentally, I’m still relying on benchmark performance to judge boy’s effort.

Jolt: If I compare all of the above against the 70-mile runner, then who do Not deserve punishment?
A: the key difference is, there’s no compulsory benchmark on running. In another world, where everyone must benchmark on jogging, then everyone would need to put in jogging practice.

— sense of urgency… In P6 he used to do his homework slowly till 11pm. I still rated him “lazy” because “inefficient”. Waipo saw the same pattern and said congcong was impatient with homework and she might be right. My wife is also “impatient”. So was I.

jolt: But what if Congcong is lower in benchmark competence? “Impatience”, “efficiency” would be inapplicable ! I would still say Congcong is motivated, diligent but with low abilities.

At work, I am similar to boy. I drag out my schedule and can be very inefficient even though I spent long hours in office.

jolt: But am I lazy at work? If I rate myself as inefficient/slow-pace but diligent, then so is my boy?
A: again, benchmark result is the deciding factor. I rate myself as careful, slow-n-steady because my quality is higher than colleagues’. If boy is slow but accurate, I would NOT say “lazy, non-committed, 不认真, 不专心,不求甚解”

— Compare his math with other subjects
jolt: His feet-dragging is worst in math. If we rate his math effort fairly High, then how do we rate his effort/abilities in science (and other subjects)? More efficient and much smarter? But i never feel that way, even if I were to say those words.

Ultimately, I’m comparing his effort/abilities against his peers, but I don’t know his peers beyond benchmark results ! Actually, i rate his math effort as poor, his math abilities as above_average. I rate his science effort and abilities as good, against a purely imaginative cohort.

! The only evidence I have is the benchmark result.

! In reality, it’s possible that his math effort is higher than his science effort.