k_anger_mgmt
I feel western cultuer tend to be more open about public display of anger… “individual freedom”. East Asian cultures are more reserved.
Most of the time display of anger is ineffective and a futile attempt to change another person’s behavior.
— parenting
I think display of anger could be an acceptable parenting tactic if used sparingly. Same can be said of physical punishment.
Display of anger should not be an everyday affair… Slippery slope…. esp. in parenting.
See the complete list at ##Let us accept #current pains
Need to avoid micromanaging his homework and losing my cool
Need to avoid comparing with me on STEM subjects
Need to avoid talking to LianZhong or other parents with academic kids … counterproductive
Whenever I say “compared to the academic kids” or “the China students”, I’m implicitly using myself as the benchmark.
When other parents start talking about top schools, I need to either politely get away or change topic
— i need to listen and focus less on stories of my friends practicing math at young age.
These guys could do it because like my daughter they have more absorbency.
Listening to these stories increases my frustration that my son lacks the “normal” absorbency and is somehow inferior.
In reality, many people lack the absorbency but have other strengths, so not inferior.
k_mellow
Looking into the pattern of my anxieties, I think most of the acute current pains are related to falling behind other kids (of the same age group). Items below present themselves over a longer horizon.
There are many many books, websites, seminars… I think the principles are mostly the same as generations ago, with adaptations to deal with the new challenges…. 换汤不换药.
(Same can be said about relationships, management, leadership..) I only need a handful of books, learn a few dozen principles. The real challenge lies in the enforcement / execution / implementation of these few principles. People like to refer to them as “simple rules” .. simple to express, simple to understand, but not simple to enforce. For each simple principle, if 100 parents understand it, probably 99 would try it and 50 would give up and put it on shelf.
positive_parenting .. is one example.
Each parent can only enforce up to 20 principles before putting some “simple rules” on shelf. Therefore, each parent need to pick a small number and repeatedly review them (using tools like blogging). It’s same as any enforcement.
For many (simple) principles, there’s a lot of resistance from the parent herself, the other parent, or the kids. Therefore, it requires time, energy (and patience, tenacity…). Most of us lack both time and energy (and the rest). Therefore, we need prioritizing, and sacrifice. For me, if I see traction, then I don’t mind spending the time.
One of the tractions I see is blogging as self-analysis, and critical review.
See also parent`pains:G9 twister-SMS
k_counsellor
— Complaint #2 screen time … family conflicts, academic impact … This is parents’ complaint, not boy’s complaint. Psychiatrists are not counsellors. They may refer us to counsellors but boy won’t come.
Q: 他说手机是他社交的工具，如果成绩下降了，没收他的手机几个月，对他的心理健康会影响吗？
AA: possible
Q: just how _dangerous_ are the family conflicts?
A: there are physical fights over the phone, at least 5 times a year. Family members also push each other during the wrestle. The probability of falling or hitting a sharp fixature is non-zero.
Boy needs screens to cope with stress or negative emotions. Without screen, he has multiple problems like anxiety…. Common among adolescents.
Boy needs alarm clock:
We celebrated my son’s 15th birthday in early Aug 2023, but both the day before and the day after were possibly “dark days” in terms of confrontation with parents, mostly on the screen time front. Mom and Dad now have converging views on how much good and bad the smartphone has brought to him (mostly bad) but Yixin deeply feels his smartphone is essential for his social life and other things (too complex to describe).
His grades can be much better but now he studies only the last 1 or 2 days before an exam. If the exam is on Monday he may study after 11 pm on Sunday and spend most of the weekend hours on screens.
He complained about difficult subjects but doesn’t put in a lot of visible effort. What’s visible is screen time.. perhaps 80% of his home hours excluding meal and sleep time.
He is not really giving up on his exams, but he is making a rather minimal visible effort at this stage.
— Complaint 1: sleep, concentration, comprehension
Q: 这年龄的孩子每天需要多少的睡眠时间？
AA: min 8 hours
12点之前睡觉，是不是对他的身体比较好？
AA: yes since going into sleep at 12 would provide only 6.5H
Q: 他学习方面不可以专心是不是因为过度的screen time，没有充足的睡眠？
AA: more likely sleep-related
Q: my son believes 8H/day is good enough, even if he sleeps 3.30 am during weekends.
He has difficulty concentrating in class. He can’t follow the lesson.
— j4 this bpost:
Both HPB and CareCorner have seen us previously. A written form (with keywords) can help them prepare their case notes.
A written description is reusable across clinics, esp. email counselling.
The more specific you describe your problem the easier they can target their solutions.
It’s extremely expensive to bring all 3 of us in to see a counsellor. A more concise description is more efficient given the limited time in a session.
— multiple private centers as emergency “solacehost list”
When I’m overwhelmed and stressed out, I may need to set up an emergency session to clear my chest.
I had two recent calls with new counsellers — SOS and IMH hotlines. Unlike other “emergency callers”, I don’t mind repeating my story.
I told the NUS surveyors that
==== some clinics
Thank God for CGC and other clinics…
Sugg: suspend the CGC sessions and start new sessions at InsideOut. Boy can see CGC doctors if he is willing to. Once he stops seeing anyone at CGC, he can joins us at InsideOut. We can go back to CGC for psychiatric assessment since they have his record.
I feel each counsellor deserves a chance to adjust her approach based on my feedback. It’s harsh to abandon a counsellor without giving her the chance. This is esp. important for junior counsellors.
We are lucky to live in TPY, close to many mental health servicees.
— CGC/IMH has a team, perhaps the biggest team, and permanent record. I think any diagnosis could become stigma.
Advantages of CGC counselling
— InsideOut@TPY 9892 8337
— FSC (Blk 158 TPY 63561622)
— TOUCH
If my kid (meimei?) is genuinely weak in wordy problems, and lacks self-confidence, I would create uplifting words to build up his confidence.
Right now, Am doing the opposite — He is improving but am using harsh words to cut him in half. I do it due to his attitude/motivation.
Sherleen, grandpa and wife (over many months) all pointed out that my words (I would add “perception”) on Dabao’s math standard are too negative. I am at my worst when talking about pattern recognition in wordy problems. I use these words well before I lose my cool.
Grandma sometimes echos my negativity. Perhaps grandma’s attitude/perception is not a role model, but a negative example of anger management. However, It is unfair to put 100% of the blame on grandma. I’m (at least 90%) responsible for my own action.
Grandpa issued the gravest warning — my words would decimate dabao’s self-esteem, confidence.
Sherleen said “uplifting” after she noticed Dabao’s lack of self-esteem. Now I think that for some individuals, affirmative words are a key language of love. I should read the book (online) to understand this one language of love.
I told dabao that I love him. That’s sincere. But at times I really want him to feel punished and fearful.
I feel I am enduring and sacrificing so much. I want him to feel my pain and suffering.
Q: how does boy feel about parents’ pride in having him as a son?
Q: how does he feel when other parents talk about their kids in positive terms?
I seldom do. Grandpa said repeatedly that he is proud of ah-boy.
Q: how do I remind myself of this, among dozens of reminders?
Grades are a huge, overwhelming indication of AA and CC. Poor grades can harm mental healthy and destroy motivation.
Screen time affects every priority.