Category: kidsGtmp

self-care]the face@parenting challenges #some reflections

Posted on by tiger40490

k_office_sanctuary

background — the conflict with my son frequently drains my energy.

self-care: I think exercise + lean diet would also help build my self-confidence

self-care: I can talk to grandpa or counselors but more important than these discussions is blog review and git-blogging.

For parenting (but not for self-care) more important is wife discussion.

Self-care: Sometimes work project can provide work stress, or positive stress, depending on my concentration. I feel lucky to have short commute + the office as my harbor.

An example of cognitive self-care: Many neighbors’ kids are less academic than ah-boy, a few are more academic. I don’t compare with them, not excessively. Where I do get mad is when I see my son’s laziness or poor organization. However, if his benchmark result is close to the top (perhaps in a U.S. school) then I might say he is just like CSY’s son.

with%%well-protected livelihood, y FOMO[def1] high-flyers

Posted on by tiger40490

k_X_FOMO_v_livelihood

See also

  1. ffree ^ envy+FOMO has a similar theme
  2. other blogposts under T_FOMO^livelihood
  3. 4 def@sucess provides a framework. In this framework, we feel the FOMO pressure/drive because we have yet to achieved (enough) success.
  4. ##wrong priorities@ deathbed|wellOff 

Case study: Jiang.Zhu is an unknown LeadEngineer figure that I last met in 1991. Both him and the Fenix CTO are largely unknown personalities, so my mental pictures of them are imagined/fabricated content fitted onto a half-skeleton. My team lead U.P is someone I know much better. He explained that out of 10 things about the firm, he was happy about 7, and the other 3 are important. He gave one example about “select me as a front runner”. I guess in these individuals, there is still a lot of untapped potential, a lot of drive, ambition. Compared to them, I probably look “lazy” (but how about zqbx?)

Jolt: Similarly to my “laziness”, my son may look lazy. In contrast, at age 13 I was more disciplined, more motivated, more ambitious than him.

Lazy or not, at my age whenever I look out towards the deathbed I feel the visible signs of success are ultimately unimportant.

Case study: Consider JackZ and Raymond’s situations. At my age and economic level, what endeavors are really strategic?
1) wellness lifestyle improvements like yoga, sustainable diet habits, BMI
2) dev-till-70 accu, plowback,,, including QQ and CIV
? academic parenting? No. I prioritize motivation, bonding, coaching, self-discipline
? prepare for relocation to U.S. including car ownership, burn rate control

I have a well-protected livelihood thanks to

  • SG Citizenship; wellness; family harmony
  • low burn rate; diversified income-generators
  • dev-till-70 career longevity, based on lifelong learning attitude
  • — beyond the G5:
  • globalization reducing basic cost of living
  • retirement destinations in MYS etc

Q: so why do I still envy those supposed “peers” who now earn more? Why do I need higher incomes?

— A: there are job positions where you can earn more without sacrificing lifestyle. You would need something (luck? skill?) to get into those positions….. Clearly I still want to earn more. Am not a Buddhist monk.
— A: financially disqualified — some exclusive “clubs” would reject me, my kids, or my family.
— A: basic livelihood (part of successE) is easy to achieve, but beyond that, FOMO, deprivation are deep-rooted fears in most people. They drive us to lifestyle creep towards fancy luxury, the new inventions of the last decade + bigger houses + top schools.

see the blogpost on khmer villagers and a reasonable minimum standard.
— A: (An indirect definition of) FOMO/FOLB/kiasu is in the Singapore DNA. I see FOLB in the unfolding story of SG as a nation.
Many government departments, mainstream media, mainstream schools … are often funded to promote adoption of new technology, new products/services.

I often say the biggest economic engine in the U.S. economy is technology improvement, evolutionary or revolutionary, far beyond digital technologies. Japan, Korea, Taiwan are often seen as competitive economies exactly due to their high-tech manufacturing sectors.

So a lot of national economies may grind to a halt if without new fancy offers esp. new technologies.

The steam engine was arguably the first in a series of new technologies to revolutionize world economy. Can you boycott this FOMO, in the spirit of Buddhism?

This also explains why we envy the start-up “legends” like Jiang.Zhu (whom I don’t even know)?

— Q: why envy the ex-peers who moved up like Siddesh, CSDoctor etc

A: brank, OC-effectiveness… are /potent/ symbols of power, success, admiration. Income is one element. If we only look at income then … not so potent, not so enviable.

— Q: why envy the lawyers (Zi Yang) or doctors (TTSH ENT specialist)

A: I told my son 人往高处走.. SuccessC/E. We parents want our kids to have (extrinsic?) motivation, with some FOMO.

A: life chances. More income means more life chances for my kids. But is this a 无底洞?

— burn^rot .. Somehow I feel a pressure to work harder (burn) and close the gap in terms of FOLB. If I ignore the gap, I feel like rotting. I feel those high-flyers are more “burning” — working harder on income/wealth. However, I doubt their zqbx.

Remember burn is basically successZ+C

(self)respect !! tied to benchmark

Posted on by tiger40490

Nothing much new, but a useful revision.

I told a Cigna counsellor, what’s really important to my job satisfaction is respect, but the elephant in the room … is benchmarking.

GS is the most direct experience. Respect from manager, peers, users and even self-respect is mostly based on benchmarking within your own team, and within the bigger department.
My ErrorMemos user in Texas gave me exceed, perhaps based on his past experience with other developers. Yet my manager found me nothing spectacular.

Users and External peers and users may not know what the other team members are able to achieve *if put in my shoes* so no benchmark per se. Yet these evaluators have an expectation and based on it, a level of respect to you

— Among performing artists (and visual, literal artists), some artists are loved by their audience, but Question: what about the ranking?
My answer: the ranking doesn’t matter to their audience. If I’m an audience of a particular writer, composer, singer … then I see unique value in her, regardless of the ranking chart.

— students in general
My kids don’t need to be outstanding to learn useful things and have a meaningful experience in school
Excellence is measured on personal growth. This is within the student’s circle of control.

— researchers like my dad

— my piano practice and yoga .. is a different form of “self-respect”. I exceed my limitations and my inertia and I derive various benefits, all without benchmarking.

[20] 大宝体重: 政府诊所的营养医师 #dietitian TC

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https://btv-open.dreamhosters.com/2018/08/07/dietitian/ is my discussion with the same dietitian in Sep 2018.

今天 （2020.10.22）我们再次见营养医师 TC.

TC 认为，大宝体重 处于可以接受的合格范围内。他也同意大宝应该减肥。

  • 淀粉（Starch）：一天六份。合格
  • 蛋白质：一天2 份。大宝超额。最好每餐 90克， 包括蛋, 奶, cheese, yogurt 和植物蛋白，如豆制品
  • .. See https://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/guide/good-protein-sources
  • 水果：一天至少 2 份。合格
  • 蔬菜：一天至少 2 份。大宝不够。最好每餐 100克 蔬菜。
  • 钙：一天 500 ml。大宝不够。最常见的一纸盒奶为 1000 ml.
  • 运动： 一天至少 30 分钟。

牛奶，有些人不爱喝。我觉得最好是自觉地鼓励自己偶尔喝一些，应该没那么难喝。豆奶：低糖的也不错。

蔬菜和水果，大多数儿童（包括我）都比较挑剔。选他爱吃的吧。

##smash-costs @ discipline: never forget

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It’s important to remember the collateral damages, or they could be sacrificed for nothing.

  • bifold
  • discarded drinks — mom dumped them on the floor, unopened. I emptied the containers.
  • I have damaged a toy monkey.
  • I have smashed a red-bean bakery — not completely boy’s fault
  • I have damaged iPhone8 screen.
  • I injured my right wrist on Sunday night 24 Jan 2021. I was slamming on the table to show my anger to my son.

Some people don’t care about the damages and therefore tend to forget them. I have an advantage that I do care about them, and I make a point to record them.

t-spend For boy: facetime^hiking^prep drill

Posted on by tiger40490
  • The hours spent blogging on parenting + writing email (in Chinese) on tend to be calm
  • The hours spent bringing boy out hiking tend to be more bonding. He opens up.
  • The hours spent preparing questions tend to be more efficient
  • In contrast, The facetime hours are supposed to be more effective, but often too intense to be effective.
    • if I get to engage him without losing my cool, then the efficiency is usually quite good
    • If I can’t keep my cool during the face time, then better avoid facetime.

G4 Most valuable gifts2%%kids beyond financial #longevity

Posted on by tiger40490

— #1 gift: presence of mom and dad.
A safe environment to SG citizens is a gift by the entire government, not just the ministers, but every member of the government. Likewise, I am instrumental to sustain this “presence”.

— #2 gift: My healthy long life and my presence throughout their adult lives.
One of the least mentioned but most valuable resources I can give my kids is my live presence due to my healthy longevity.

I can be a guide and a steady hand (舵手) in their life journeys. Even at age 80 I can be a role model for them, sharing my wisdom, otherwise my lessons learnt. This is what I value most in my dad.

I can remain in charge of my assets, and train them to manage for me.

Look at grandpa or grandma. Their presence has a net-positive effect, because they are not yet dependent and burdensome.

— Gift: Lifelong habits? I think this is overvalued. Lifelong habits are not easily transferred across generations. It demands effort on my part and on their part.
— Gift: Education beyond certificates? I think this is overvalued. Education is 70% achieved by themselves and perhaps 20% by parenting and 10% environmental.
— Gift: financial inheritance? Very tangible benefit. This benefit is very much enhanced if thanks to longevity I am available to “administer” it.

Chat with David@CignaEAP

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Even if only one of these insights/habits become effective, it would change two lives — a parent’s life + a child’s life. Most parents struggle without any breakthrough, without finding any reusable solution.

— communication channel

I think David’s first priority is the comm channel with his boy. “Keep it open for as long as possible.”

  • When the boy turns 16, he would be so busy that even one good chat in 2 weeks is considered a big success.
  • At age 18, parents would have very little influence.

I think this channel is more critical than academics, presumably. Certainly it is more fundamental. This channel gives the parent a glimpse of the world inside the child. Based on that glimpse, there’s a hope to influence and mentor the child.

— 廉价的付出 won’t get you very far. You get the child to open up only when you give more of yourself …

— when a parent thinks the child’s action, behavior, justification,,, is completely unacceptable, with zero merit

I feel sometimes my parents would shoot me down. The child tends to shut up, perhaps after a protest or shameful retreat. Now I think such reaction, such negative experience is not necessary at home. In school or elsewhere, perhaps shoot-down is the natural and logical consequence.

David said we parent can look for some (however tiny) element of validity in the child’s rationale, and affirm it. Give the child the respect/understanding he needs.

As a kid, I sometimes felt my parents didn’t understand my arguments, or didn’t bother to understand them. But there was always, always something valid in my arguments! My friends would listen and affirm , but why my parents would refuse?

— if you want to find out 他为啥这样 （why he behaves in some way）

You would probably need to get the “why” from the kid (not from a counselor). For that, you need to invest yourself, heavily.

— schedule a time for man-to-man such as a game or a meal. I hope he looks forward to it. Even if he is not, he is more willing to commit once there is a date.

 

listen(remeber) boy’s arguments

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I said boy’s top priority is gaming, but he said he always finishes his homework first before gaming, except the morning-tuition days like Sat.

Each time he has a valid argument, I really need to listen and respond to his argument without bias or too much emotion. Also I need to acknowledge the limitations in my arguments.

You are good enough for me i.e.your dad

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I told a Cigna counselor that I would tell the 11 year old tanbin that “Nobody is perfect or superpowerful. Everyone of us is weak including my dad.”

Ted Turner reportedly felt he was never good enough for his father. I want my kids to know they are good enough to be my kids.

eg: when criticizing kids on piano effort, remember their current effort level is already substantial. piano demands a commitment.