Category: kidsGtmp

Jack.Z@parent` #commute

Posted on by tiger40490

Jack.Z has strong experience in parenting.

高压 discipline is how he describes my stance.

“Observe what the kid wants and fulfill his needs” but I feel this is tough.

Accept differences in individual personalities.

Curiosity is a good thing in a kid.

Both Jack and grandpa foresee that my derogatory remarks could easily damage boy’s confidence. I use such harsh words to get his attention, but apparently the net effect is counterproductive. Jack suggested — paste reminder on your computer, in your cockpit, on the mirror … to stop the put-down remarks.

— JackZ on my family immigration
U.S. migration might be more risky for your kids then for you

Keep the communication open as they go through adolescence. Teenagers may take a few years to open up to parents…

“So Make sure you still have enough time for your kids when you are working here.” — I want to have time for them when they open up. Less stressful job. Short commute (like 95G) would be huge. Parent’s time is a key factor in Raymond’s story.

JackZ: “If you feel your son is likely to become a manager type, then perhaps the wordy problem skills (abstract logical skills) are not really relevant in the long run.” Self-confidence is arguably more important for those careers at least among the Americans he has seen. I think Jack meant resilience, positive attitude.

##projection@ self-inferiority #schools,kids

Posted on by tiger40490

 

If you are personally associate with something, be it a person, a school, or a country, then there’s a valid reason to notice, highlight, or discuss its limitations. But the negative focus is often obsessive, distorted, one-sided, out of proportion, driven by a projection of self-inferiority.

The pattern — whichever group I find myself in, I tend to worry about its calibre and quality.

A important sub-pattern: those who chose me

— My Physics and math positions in HCJC .. I considered myself a second class top student from China, so if HCJC picked me to represent the school, it’s only because HCJC was also second class…

In reality, HCJC probably produced some of Singapore’s top math and physics students of the year. They were my HCJC classmates.

How about Java/c++/c among competing languages? These are respected, upstream tech skills.

— individuals who praise my English … (spoken or written) There have been many over the years. I tend to cast doubt on their judgement, and their own standard of English.

When I was more fluent in British English, I often felt British English was losing ground to American English.

When I went to U.S. and became more fluent in American English, I started feeling that American English was lower in /standard/ and quality due to detrimental influence of immigrants speaking improper, imprecise and broken English.

Projection? my self-inferiority translates to a lower opinion of the style of English I have acquired.

— I also felt occasionally inferior about my parents’ professional standing… Some classmates seems to have “greater” parents in Shiyan, but now I don’t recall anyone in my schools.

— I also felt occasionally inferior about my kids’ physical development, athletic/artistic talents…
In reality, they are very good. Even if they are mediocre in everything, the inferiority deserves no place. There’s no need for any competition with other kids.

My son’s talents tend to get similarly played down, such as his talent with gadgets, maps, piano, bi-lingual,,,

Projection? My kids’ talents are diminished because they are my kids. The same talent in another young person would not get dimissed likewise !

— my chosen country ..
As a Chinese citizen, the inferiority was a national malaise. Remember [[丑陋的中国人]]. Similarly, I think Britons feel a national malaise, as their nation’s standing declines over the decades.

As an immigrant, after you choose U.S. as your new home you may also start to project your inferiority. Look at R.Xia and others.

Limitations? Every country has limitations. When we are outside our home country and describing it to to a non-countryman, we need to be fair to our country. We can criticize it, but we need to avoid bias.

If I’m a CAD patient in Japan, I may worry about my country’s quality of medical care. I would worry that Japan doctors are not fluent enough in English…

— Beijing relative to other big cities .. My own inferiority is frequently projected to my beloved birthplace, a city I’m associated with _forever_.

When I’m feeling inferior (like half the time 🙂 I tend to focus on its limitations esp. relative to Shanghai and Shenzhen. Every city has limitations. It’s hard to be fair to Beijing, but I still feel attached to my birthplace.

 

[23]boy’s bank account: ownership

Posted on by tiger40490

— Origional Date: Sun, Aug 20, 2023 at 10:23 PM, updated later
Subject: your bank account

Hi Tall Boy,

  1. You have a primary bank account. It is in DBS. The account has about $4700
  2. You have a “gaming” account. It is in Citibank. The account has $218. This money is for gaming.
  3. ( Grandpa also handed me a large sum designated for you and meimei’s future use. “Future” is something like after you graduate from college. Therefore, we will not discuss it today. )

I have wanted to give you some ownership over your primary account so that you might start to feel how much your money can buy. So far I had no way to achieve it. Now I have some ideas.

I feel your daily commute cost should Not come from your primary account. I hope we can continue to use your existing ezlink top-up because it gives me an easy way to pay for your commute. This works IFF you use ezlink card for commuting only.

Your daily allowance (for food etc) is currently given in physical cash, from Mom’s or my wallet. This has worked fine for years. We can keep it unchanged, or we can consider my ideas below to change the scheme and give you more “ownership”.

( I can’t easily keep track of whatever your mom gives you. I will give up on that. )

For any amount I give you, for food etc, I have some personal “recon” system to keep track. Therefore, I can deduct those amounts from your primary account (Type 1 deduction), perhaps once a year. At (roughly) the same time, I will top up your primary account with a fixed monthly allowance, regardless of Type 1 deduction amount. For example,

  • In Feb I give you $50 cash, so I deduct that amount from your primary account.
  • in Mar I give you $20 cash, so I deduct that amount from your primary account.
  • In Apr I give you $60 cash, so I deduct that amount from your primary account.
  • For every single month, your primary account will receive a top-up of a fixed amount, to be decided later, higher than, or similar to, the average monthly Type 1 deductions.

When you want to buy something fancy for your own use, I will propose to let you use your primary account. This so-called “Type 2 deduction” is part of your learning — you can slowly experience ownership of your account.

Random rewards will continue as before — you will receive 1) a reduction in phone lock-up penalties, or 2) dollar amounts in your gaming account, or 3) dollar amounts in your primary account.

Over the long term, I hope your primary account grows, due to Monthly_allowance + Random_rewards. However, “Monthly_allowance + Random_rewards + Type1/2 deductions” might become operationally too complex. The legwork is mostly mine. I will adapt.

( Your primary account may not grow if you buy too many fancy products. Ownership means you are responsible and stay on top of your bank account. )

Currently, the de-facto ownership of your primary account is with me. To give you more ownership, it’s crucial to control account debits. So far, I only specified two types of debits — Type_1: monthly reimbursement for my cash handout to you, and Type_2: fancy purchases for your own use. There will be no “fines” hitting your primary account, at least for 2023. For example, taxi fare will come from your primary account only if you agree.

adaptations: boy’s BM, earlyDinner #EDyw

Posted on by tiger40490

Precise vocab is valuable, nearly indispensable, in describing psychological issues and attitude/perceptions. I’m still working on the vocab.

— Trigger event: 30 Jun 2022 my son saw Dr Nancy Tan again. I don’t recall exactly what they said, so I am retelling the story in my own words. My son’s body has to adapt to diet change [much higher water, veg/fruit intake, more frequent meals spread out,,]. She described that BM [ bowel movement ] varies among individuals, so each person need to deal with the signals that  bowel/bladder send to the brain. This signal can feel like random attacks, so the individual learns defensive tactics.

Hopefully, the individual gradually grows used to the signals and the underlying physical process. Perhaps a BM soon after a meal becomes the norm. Perhaps two BM a day becomes the norm.

— late night hunger .. Dr Nancy mentioned something about early dinner. I think she said that many people can finish dinner early and have no supper. I brought up the consistent hunger signal I receive at night. I told Dr Nancy that even if I have dinner at 8pm, I would still get the signal 4 hours later, around midnight. Therefore, anticipating the signal, I dare not take early dinner.

I said this is perhaps similar to my son anticipating urine/BM. The anticipation informs and affects our planning. But perhaps it doesn’t have to. The brain can adapt (be trained) to “deal with”[1] the signal, possibly suppressing it. This has been hard for me.

— OCD and phobia.. My son also brought up his OCD concerns to Dr Nancy. Later I told him my zip-checking OCD experience. I told him that nowadays I don’t care about my unzipped fly even in public — successful adaptation.

On the same day, I happened to pick up a book about OCD, and the author also discussed phobias — two related issues. Later I told my daughter about insect and needle phobia.

Again, the brain receives fight^flight signals and could over-react.

— EDyw and other sexual difficulties due to aging
As long as the individual adapts to the change and doesn’t let it affect family bonding, self-esteem, fulfillment of biological needs,, then successful adaptation. Some guys accept ED as a fact or life, but work to improve the situation. That’s also positive adaptation.

Some guys are fixated on ED, and therefore let it spill over to work, relationship, etc… Poor adaptation.

— [1] adaptation and harmony .. Dr Nancy used the phrase “deal with”. I call it adaptation, lifestyle adjustment and coping. Adaptation is crucial to harmony and carefree (successE). A common theme in my blogs. Adaptation has become a cliche in the mass media. Organizations (firms, schools,,,), industries, cities,,, must adapt to changing times.

In my son’s case, daily routine needs adjustment. Sometimes, we just need to get used to a change in the body, without lifestyle adjustment.

As long as the individual adapts to the change and doesn’t let it affect school, work, social life,,, then successful adaptation.

[21]braces for boy

Posted on by tiger40490

Dr. Colin Ong is a trusted specialist (orthodontist) in braces. In the entire NTUC dental clinic network, there are only two orthodontists. He is full-time and the other orthodontist is now part-time.

Many regular dentists can also provide braces, but they often have less training, esp. about complications. (I have worked with Dr. Ong since my 20’s) So I will only consider certified orthodontists.

The rate across all the braces clinics is about $4-6k. If the cost is similar everywhere, and the Somerset location is close enough, then I think we can choose Dr. Ong.

Age .. 13 is fine. 14 also fine. Dr. Ong will assess the physical condition and level of maturity of the patient. If not ready, then better wait. Dr. Ong said the child must want to do it.

I think cost would be a G3 factor. More important is attitude, discipine.

— location: Midpoint Orchard is the only place Dr. Ong works. I saw him about 20 times since my 20’s. Same place. 3 minutes walk from Somerset.

— cost details .. Basically fixed price, regardless of how many years the course takes (usually 1-2 years). The big variable in terms of cost is the type of braces. NTUC dental offers four main types, all designed in the U.S. The cheaper and most traditional type costs $4000+ for two arcs (i.e. upper and lower) excluding any dental work before making the braces, such as filling, extraction. ( In my case, I had two teeth extracted due to overcrowding. )

Downpayment is $1000+ for the traditional braces. After that, periodically we need to pay about $300 each time. The total cost is a fixed amount, agreed at a time before we make a downpayment, but after we choose one out of four types.

NTUC dental is not an expensive clinic.

— dental insurance .. My company pays 50% up to ( about ) $1500/Y. So

  • better get the treatment started early before I change jobs!
  • It’s better to spread out the costs over 2 or 3 years if possible. $5000 spent in one year is too big… I can only claim $1500.

Most employers won’t reimburse braces .. considered cosmetic surgery. We are lucky compared to those employees.

passive disobedience: strict penalty@@

Posted on by tiger40490

In 2021 Paramjeet Kaur was charged for her defiance towards mask-wearing regulation. Appearing in court, she only wore mask below her nose. If I were the judge, I might interpret it as contempt of court, and mobilize the police in the court room to enforce the regulation.

Well, the defendant may have a reason for passive disobedience.

How about my treatment of my son’s passive disobedience? Once I ordered him to stop reading and go to bed by 11.45. He refused by passive disobedience. I warned him that every minute past 11.45 would count as one shout.

Now I think we can reduce the penalty by half.

Myopic control lens #LG2

Posted on by tiger40490

On 8 Feb 2022, SNEC doctor said atropine eye drop is not suitable for meimei. The alternative treatment is the Myopic Control Spectacle Lens, such as

  1. Hoya with DIMS technology
  2. Essilor with HAL

These lenses can slow down the progression. Singapore children tend to show about 100 degrees a year of myopic progression. It tends to stabilize at puberty.

Even with the lens + other treatments, the progression can be faster than 100 degrees a year. Not sure what can be done, but should see doctor again.

AiMui has no offer.

— grandOptical charges $480 for lens without frame

— use of CDA money .. We need to split the bill among

  • ( Cigna told me $310 but HR says $300 annual limit.)
  • up to USD 197 (SGD 260) on meimei’s receipt. Use meimei’s CDA
  • .. USD 113 used so far
  • remaining amount on ZLH’s receipt.

Paul Allen’s life^mine #Jobs

Posted on by tiger40490

Jobs had a shorter life than P.A. His xpSelf had less enjoyment.

Jobs also had less wealth than P.A. for most of his lifetime, but did he need that wealth?

k_Kahneman

Q: Do I prefer P.A’s life or my healthy, uneventful life? (If the latter, then how about Jobs’ life?) Do I want my kids to have my kind of life or his kind of life? A contrast between xpSelf vs the evaluative rmSelf.

I feel Paul.Allen had a relatively short but full life. Paul had a wide range of ambitions. Unlike other people, P.A had the resources and Time to pursue them. He even turned a few into reality. Overall, I won’t trade places with him, definitely not for good — I won’t trade AA) my healthy mediocre life for BB) his life. His life was presumably fulfilling to the evaluative rmSelf, but no it’s not a life I prefer. In that bold statement, I choose to reject the Evaluation (of the rmSelf).

SuccessL — Goals, purposes, ambitious  are good and noble. They give meanings to a life. They are fundamental to a fulfilling (purposeful, productive) life. SuccessL is the flip side of my rejection. Jobs and P.A seem to have successL but who knows in 200 years?

Between AA and BB, which life would I want my kids to Live?  AA. I would rather my kids be mediocre [碌碌无为, 一事无成] but enjoy a healthy /uneventful/ long life.

— Family .. is a primary source of happiness (xpSelf) and fulfilment (rmSelf) for most of us, not P.A. He never married and had no children. There was no well-known long-term relationships with either a woman or man.
— health issues.. P.A lived with long-term conditions since age 29. His cancers were (successfully) treated at 30 and 56, but eventually killed him at age 65.

Did he (xpSelf) suffer too much? Not sure. Luckily, he didn’t subject his loved ones to psychological pains — he had no kids or partner.

— deserved much more time .. Somehow, D.Kahneman’s account about evaluation of a life story seem to suggest that many people would pay attention to the quality (esp. the ending) of his life. I don’t Feel that way.

I Feel his life is too short. Bill Gates said “Paul loved life… He deserved much more time.”.. the amount of experienced wellbeing. I agree with D.Kahneman that Duration Neglect is a serious disservice to the xpSelf. The xpSelf deserves many decades of fulfilling life on earth.

While it’s possible (5% chance?) Paul didn’t want to live 10Y more given the chronic conditions, my analysis of chronic conditions makes me doubtful. I think he was very used to his chronic conditions and wanted to live 10Y or 20Y more. He probably battled his cancer rather than giving up. Paul struck me as a courageous dreamer and doer. He probably wanted to get more done (just like my dad) or enjoy a healthy longevity.
— paradox .. factual vs imagined historical figure
I have read about Paul Allen a few times, a few minutes each time. I do want to understand Paul Allen’s life if I have the bandwidth, but most likely I won’t have it. My life is too short and there are too many things to read. Therefore, paradoxically it’s a good thing that P.A is (gone and) not a news maker like Musk, Trump, actors… I don’t feel the compulsion [due diligence] to gather more Facts. I don’t need more Facts! What I’m discussing here is an imagined version of Paul Allen. The real P.A is much more complex.