Category: ChenMi

I’m witnessing opium destroying a young life 侵蚀心灵

Posted on by tiger40490

k_counsellor

Since 2019, I have witnessed that he demands more gaming time if he was asked to do a few P3-level math problems, write a few Chinese characters for practice, jog half a kilo, or practice a few minutes on the piano.

In 2019, I commented that 他每天的生活重心就是手机游戏，每天一回家就需要先玩游戏来解脱。得到了满足才能做作业。

These are the sign of opium dependency.

He appears to be overstimulated by the opium. a few years ago he was watching more television everyday, but now his interest has shifted to smartphone games. He is not interested in most outdoor activities. Used to enjoy cycling more…

He has close to zero motivation for study, or piano, or physical exercise.

[20]phone time allowance#军令状 #out@basecamp

Posted on by tiger40490

Note any allowance/policy would entail enforcement and a tug of war. but see my blogpost on sunk tcost, .. and my evils blogpost.

Therefore, this would not be my base_camp.

==== After I return the iPhone8 to him:
If boy is caught looking at phone screen for more than 30m a day including gaming minutes, then lose the phone for a day, longer if repeated.

gaming … use mom’s phone.

— Boy’s proposal: Once boy is caught taking the phone out without both parents’ knowledge, then dad has the right to lock up the phone in office for up to 52 weeks.
Boy is putting his reputation (honor) on the line — 军令状. Boy believes in his self-control. Boy believes he can resist the temptation to break his promise and bring the phone out.

Judge is mom. Boy also believes mom and dad will be fair.

— Dad’s follow-up proposal:
The phone will have discourse + whitelisted games only

Once boy is caught installing any unauthorized game, same penalties apply.

— timeline:
First complete the Whiplash 1M penalty + any other penalties.
— How the allowance can be adjusted
All three parties agree on an allowance. Mom is the #1 enforcer, controller and judge. Once I catch blatant violations, I will take the phone to office for 2 days, then reduce the allowance, towards zero i.e. lock up for a 3M.

Of course, positive evidence of self-management “earns” higher allowance.

tough@phone: articulate reason2earn cooperation #out@basecamp

Posted on by tiger40490

Precious — as of today (29 Nov, Aunt Gen’s birthday) boy still accepts my tough policy on iphone8.

Boy’s cooperation and concession must be earned.

— Highest priority: hand_in_hand.. if wife agrees with my policy 100% then boy will accept much better.

— priority: consistency
LKY said he has been consistent throughout the years, so people know what he is like.

— priority: clarity
At his age, he deserves to hear clear reasons and guidelines. Without them, it’s hard to earn his cooperation and respect.

— why I don’t want to bother to earn his cooperation or give a reason
This phone argument has turned out to be more costly more harmful than we assumed. See

Therefore, earning his cooperation is not to be done in my base camp !

##ownership of each gadget

Posted on by tiger40490
1) As described in an previous mail, Aspire laptop was bought for mom and belongs to her. She can take it away without giving any reason.
2) The iPhone 8 is owned by mom, so she can take it away without giving any reason, although I will suggest to her and give some reason.
3) Chromebook has mixed ownership. Some would say it’s owned by XMS, because the school has full control. Some would say parents are the secondary owners because school grants us parents “partial control”. Once I get approval from the school, mom and I will have the right to take it away without giving any reason. However, we should try to give a reason, since Chromebook is assigned to the student.
4) the home network has mixed ownership. I have control over it, but it is needed by every family member.

who deserves more sympathy: parent^child #可怜

Posted on by tiger40490

(In the base camp) The child is not deprived of anything if without a personal phone. Mrs Teo echos in her reply.

However, wife feels boy is 可怜.

I would argue that outside the base camp, the parent suffers quite a lot and deserves sympathy, as described in ..

Each time, my suffering is way too high, and it’s completely unnecessary , for something optional.

 

bigPict@boy’s3issues #phone++

Posted on by tiger40490

Hard to find a short title for this bpost, but I will try anyway. If I keep trying I’m sure I can find a better way to manage this title:)

addiction(吃喝玩乐), poor initiative +mtv. lack 上进, 奋发图强. self-responsible #excl mtv aggression + abusive
diet, exercise, piano misplaced; urine eg
health; academic; confidence.
少壮不努力老大徒伤悲		 People can’t trust him with important objects.
Also shared resources get messed up.		 threats and harm to others how serious
#2: benchmark #3 #1 hurtful remarks (脏话) mother’s concern
#1: addiction #2: effort/mtv LGlp #3 my concern
phone lock-up fines phone; kneeling for 脏话 typical discipline
targeting self-mtv targeting maturity not applicable sunshine (optimism, patience)
Yes. Patience needed yes immaturity no due to his immaturity?

Excluded (for better focus) from the table: minor lies. Grandpa pointed out 他善良随和，没有和父母作对, refusing to communicate or cooperate.

David of Cigna said his most important focus is the communication channel. He as a father invests hugely to keep the channel open.

def[baseCamp camp0 camp1]

Posted on by tiger40490

We can try out Camp 1, and can always withdraw back to camp 0. In other words, if no other camp works, then always go back to the base position.

I think wife has accepted camp 0. I really need to focus on persuading wife to ……? The cumulative tcost, pains and stress outside the camp 0 is much worse than we assumed.

— Camp Zero —  “Use iPhone11 + laptop”. Iphone8 to be locked up for 0~12M [1]. Lock-up needs an end-time. If lock-up is too short, then we experience the same pains as before.

[1] How long is one lock-up period. Boy and I decided to leave it open. I think 1-wk is acceptable
— Base Camp  proposed by boy — “zero iphone8 screen time outside school, but boy can carry iphone8 to school”. We retreat to base Camp for 1-4 weeks [1] each time.

Boy feels having a phone in school is really important to a 12-year-old, though dad feels many 13-year-old in Singapore don’t have a phone in school and are perfectly fine.

on 27 Mar 2021, dad agreed with boy that
* 1D lock-up in Camp 0 == 2D in Base camp
* on weekends there’s only Camp 0, no base camp.

— Camp One: 30m iPhone8 screen time outside school. 1H iPhone8 screen time on weekend starting mid 2021.

Penalty for breach .. usually 1-3D. see emails.
— Camp Two: 60m iPhone8 screen time outside school. Weekend 90 minutes.
— Policy: reach agreement with wife (boy if possible, but democracy is LG2) that if he can’t meet my screen-time /requirement/, then we need to retreat to base camp or camp zero.

Without giving any reason, parents can decide to go back to earlier camps. Base camp is a safe, peaceful place.

Arguing with parents about iPhone8 is one reason to retreat to earlier camps. Such argument is unhappiness (and pain) that we don’t have in camp zero.

Having to explain anything about iPhone8 is one reason to go back to earlier camps. The explaining is a waste of time (and pain) that we don’t have in camp zero.

[21] kill switch4phone argument #w1r2

Posted on by tiger40490

When a parent feels “this phone argument is driving me crazy”, then the parent has the right to take away the phone from the kid, without any reason, without negotiating the lock-up duration. The lock-up duration is … unspecified but I guess 1D is OK.

On this matter, the parent and the child are not at the same level. The parent is the authority.

I like the visual image of the red stop button on a treadmill. In the past, the stop button in my mind was smashing the phone.

The simple fact — many 13-year olds in Singapore has no phone but they are healthy, happy. The phone is optional. Entitlement is completely wrong.