k_quietime

eg: I told boy to analyze past mistakes. The analysis is not fun. It takes lots of absorbency. Only a small percentage of students can do it effectively. Most students won’t “pay” enough System2 attention to undergo this “self-help” analysis.

eg: Xmas2021 8am: studying similar incidents and really learn the lesson. I think this introspective study on past mistakes is not easy for me.

eg: (main Example):
Most of the resources the Cigna counsellor sent me by email are self-help resources, and require long-term effort on my own, including reading, reflection, rephrasing, revisiting a few probing, introspective questions, published self-questionnaires and journaling.

It’s a lot of WORK. Most people (to some extent, myself) are way too busy or untrained to dwell on those long-winded, often academic questions.  That includes my wife.

I would say reading those resources is like listening to music whereas blogging is like creating music, exploring, experimenting. Reading is like eating; whereas blogging is like differentiating various foods and and experimenting with them.

I think this counsellor really listened and he repeated his suggestion for the I-statement, including the positive I-statements. These suggestions are very direct, rather than vague.

Q from David: what do you need for self-care?
%%A: plenty of quietime and personal space. Wife needs it too. Perhaps I can free her up once a while?
%%A: blogging on many topics
%%A: I feel the hunger for meaningful conversations, with a real listener

Q from David: hypothetically, what would it be like if father-son relationship had improved sufficiently?
A: more outing trips [shopping, workout,,,]
A: more chats, like the general knowledge chats .. achieved in 2022
A: If I want more physical touch but he doesn’t like it, then I want him to explain it in more words. So I can learn and adjust my gestures.

— contrast to a medical procedure…

Ultimately the individuals (me or my son) needs a real improvement in understanding of the self [priorities, limitations, fears, biases..] and take consistent, long-time actions to gradually change his own perceptions, his explanatory style (often System1), his self-talk /SMS/, his habits, .. My reflective blogging is the best demo.

Introspective, reflective insight is invaluable and instrumental in these “self-help” scenarios. By and large, most individuals don’t have the analytical power, the motivation, the System2 mental energy required. All the advice received could be forgotten.

On 31 Dec 2021, I picked up 3 self-help books to help myself on intimacy issues. I found some relevant chapters, some useful pointers, but I can see the real challenge is the internal change. Reading something is easy, low impact, and potentially waste of time. I hope I can re-read to reinforce the message.

Similar to smoking cessation, diet, slow-speaking .. the internal change is often a life-long adaptation, or life-long struggle against repeated relapses.

Below are two exceptions that prove the rule that self-help is the only way to higher ground, because you can’t hire a counseller like a full-time maid.

• Anne Sullivan is a life-long teacher for Hellen Keller
• [[King’s speech]]: King George has his speech therapist always by his side during the war

— (repetitive)blogg is more valuable than self-help resources or counselling

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/w3cswrk0 is a Why-factor production on self-help industry. The seminars, counselling, self-help …  these External input can open our eyes, point out our blind spots and suggest new directions. I do agree “Seek help when needed.” but that’s the initial step. The _hard_ bit is sticking to the golden advice over the years, through ups and downs. It depends mostly (99%) on self effort.

In almost all of the areas of interest to me, self-diagnosis, self-discovery, self-talk, self-care, … is 100 times more important than external help.

• eg: addiction cessation like smoking, alcohol
• eg: more workout, less over-eating
• eg: curiosity searches to be warehoused
• eg: anger management
• eg: tolerance/restraint in spouse communication
• eg: spouse communication

— life coach .. I see myself as a motivated “kid”. The most reliable, dedicated (not the most supportive/efficient/insightful) life coach is myself. This life coach will never give up on the kid (me). My therapeutic blogging is the purest form of self-coaching. Highly repetitive, but that’s the fundamental nature of any coaching. My writing is not as formal as self-counseling, and I don’t prefer the generic and vague term “self-help”.

Repeated SMS is a basic part of behavior change, whether through blogging or external influence. Cognitive therapy.