Hi Gen,

Thanks for your long reply. Your words made me feel deeper about the challenges and opportunities. What I say below are not all that important. You can read later.

> As for your wife’s language learning. Pls bear in mind that
> everyone of us has different abilities and desires when
> learning a new language.

Talking about desire, she’s a paradox

1) she hates it when singaporeans look down on her and her friends who can’t speak Eng. She witnesses numerous China workers suffering (in many ways) from lack of English language proficiency
2) She put lots of effort into self-study on a daily basis

On the other hand,

3) when speaking in the real world esp. strangers such as in a shop or party … she never shows any desire to try. I get really really pissed off when this happens in front of my eyes. I tend to see it as a commitment issue, as laziness, as lack of determination.

Now I suspect it could be in the same class as my stutter, my stage fright, or my fear of water when learning to swim. Maybe she’s extremely scared.

4) When I ask her to describe pictures, usually she does not show a burning desire to take on the challenge, try it, and learn from me, and try again. Some of the pictures can brighten up her eyes and elicit a flow of words. For me, that’s a sign of interest, not a deep lasting desire.

> I sort of pick them up fairly
> quickly, ‘cos I think that has something to do with my easy
> going personality, am not afraid to make mistake and more
> than happy to be corrected. But I have friends who get
> totally pissed off when I correct their english. This has
> something to do with their pride than anything else. However,
> in your wife’s case, I think she needs more encouragement
> then pressure at this point.

You are not the first one to tell me “more encouragement, less pressure”. Withouth some pressure, she will move very slowly. Let’s put aside speak-to-stranger scenarios and look at these:

– I suggested reciting. This can help her get used to common sentence patterns. Her weak grammar can benefit if she gets used to the correct sentence structures. Now, reciting can be boring. Some pressure is needed. My pressure so far has very little effect.

– I suggested keeping a daily blog, which she is doing with admirable consistency, but not all without pressure. I do need to give a push on it.

– I suggested that once u learn some new words, u need to refresh your memory. I believe this practice helps every student, but it’s boring — some pressure needed. She likes to read a new article, jot down some new words on her note book and basically put the notebook in a drawer forever. However, my pressure doesn’t get her to change her habit. I’m not so angry about this though.

Perhaps pressure on these areas are unproductive but tolerable whereas pressure on her oral English is counterproductive?

You will be reassured to know that I do make it a point to avoid several things — several pressure-sensitive areas

* avoid reminding her about the IELTS exam we are studying for. We paid $1000+ to take an exam-preparation course. She has been procrastinating on the exam. I think she’s afraid of a “shameful” score. I told her repeatedly I would help her for years if she can’t pass IELTS.
* avoid talking about her talent
* avoid commenting on her slow progress in some areas. However, once a few weeks (last night after picture-description) I feel “it’s time to be upfront and tell her the truth” — the truth that she’s improving very very slowly on speaking fluency and confidence to recover from a temporary setbacks.

I guess the heaviest pressure points existing between us would be

* Once a few weeks I would throw open the issue and analyze with her why she’s not making headway in speed, or speaking, or whatever, what will happen in x months if she doesn’t change

* Once a while I would point out that over x months she has made almost zero progress in some areas and must change her habits.

* Once a while I remind her we are paying hard-earned money for courses and tutors.

We once hired a tutor who makes her feel quite comfortable. He once gave her 5 pictures to describe during the lesson. I joined them at the last moment. Later he revealed to me that she could talk a lot more on the first 4 pictures — that’s before I came. The tutor (a good guy) has repeatedly told me to be more patient and more encouraging.