k_X_power_descriptor
This blogpost is 40% about my personal experience, and 60% about my cohort. See also
The Royal Society lecture focused on midlife crisis for men. “Now in my 40s I have not achieved [1] much” (i.e. my targets) is a rude awakening for many middle-aged men. Those specific-n-measurable targets that we were instructed to formulate are a double-edged sword:
- Those targets serve to focus our laser energy.
- They also sharpens the focus on our so-called failures. They often sow the seed for the midlife crisis and self-hate.
If you write down the specific targets, there are variations of themes in career, parenting, financial etc. A measurable target like “$500k-by40” would become uninspiring when most of your peers exceed that target much earlier. So the real target in our subconscious might be exclub-related.
[1] Achieve, Perform, Success, Pride, Status, (self-)respect .. are all pegged to the exclub, FOLB and self-hate.
I think rather few professional men perceive wellness or resilient marriage as a top 3 target… wrong priority!
Among the major targets, many (esp. Asian) parents would include “academic kids” but I can be a successful parent if my kids grow up to live a healthy, happy, fulfilled but mediocre life without academic or professional success. Actually, most parents’ lives are really mediocre, including mine. Not raising academic kids is not a failure and should not contribute to midlife crisis.
Q: Do I feel a midlife crisis and why?
A: As of 2021, Overall I seldom feel a midlife crisis, perhaps because I have achieved many of my targets. A number (?) of them are based on peer comparison, but I tend to perceive all my targets as based on rational, critical assessment of family livelihood needs, not herd instinct.
A: Occasionally I hit a small midlife crisis when I feel ineffective in academic parenting, or on the brank benchmark… The more fixated on the brank [exclub, FOLB], the bigger that crisis looms.
A: in conclusion, if I ever felt a non-trivial midlife crisis, it is rooted in peer comparison [exclub, vanity, FOLB…]
Q: how about a high-flyer peer in my age group? Does he hit a secret midlife crisis?
A: I think high-flyers often do, in terms of marriage failure (about 30% of my peers), wellness [work/life balance per HF.Sun], job insecurity [S.Liu], Brbr [pressure to save up millions]… If a guy has none of these crises, then he may still feel missing one of his targets, as his benchmark group are a higher exclub. Remember that the SDXQ homes are comparable to Orchard mansions. Therefore, to avoid the midlife crisis, we must reject exclub benchmarking, stay loyal to the self and family, and keep a steadfast focus on the real priorities.
— timetable .. “There exists a socially prescribed timetable for the ordering of major life events: a time in the life-span when men and women are expected to marry, a time to raise children, a time to retire” — Bernice Neugarten. An individual (me included) would often recognize in hindsight that this prescribed timetable is not suitable or ideal for herself. Individual differences are bigger than expected. We don’t all fit the same mold.
As I told grandpa, we tend to notice that among the “visible success stories”, the biggest age group is 40-50, bigger than 50-60. This is such a statistical misperception:
- many of these “visible success” individuals suffer ill-health(work-life imbalance, hazardous stress..), marriage breakdown (broken family), poor career longevity, job insecurity, financial ill-health (Brbr, debt..)
- many of these “visible success” individuals would fall out of the leading pack later in life
There’s also a timetable according to the subculture of “personal growth” — some group of individuals subscribe to a timetable of personal growth and mastery. By a certain age, we are supposed to reach certain levels of self-discipline, self-mastery, enlightenment, simplification, wisdom, perceptionOfReality. Specific things like exercise, yoga, diet, writing, interpersonal skills, slow speech, patience, investment insight … Well, there is no such timetable. As we grow at our own pace, we hope to become wiser, stronger on some of these things but if we don’t, it’s actually normal. Should not lead to midlife crisis.