Shared activity … I can’t think of any (besides our weekly family outings). I try to join her on her solo trips to the nearby supermarket. At best it is a 20-minute activity. Her hobbies include watching Korean dramas, online shopping, and visiting department stores,… but I don’t share those hobbies.

You mentioned regular deep conversation and quality time. Indeed our bonding has improved because we now have many quiet mornings on weekdays when kids are in school and I work the afternoon shift. Quiet mornings are precious and probably unsustainable because my wife is planning to get a regular job. Outside these quiet mornings, I don’t recall any quality time. Our conversations are never really deep, but when we were alone together long enough (during quiet mornings), we have the opportunity to talk about non-trivial topics at length. Other people can’t imagine how hard it is for my wife to sustain a focused conversation beyond 10 minutes. On any topic, she would quickly come to a conclusion and have no patience to hear my words.

Suppose the topic is our new home. She could sustain only a 15-min chat on the “Renovation” topic (close to her heart). However, if there are several sub-topics like 1) shower-screen 2)flooring 3)timeline 4)risk management 5)budget… then she can sustain a 5-minute chat on each sub-topic. In fact, “risk” and “budget” are vague topics for her. She has problems going in-depth on these abstract topics. She can sustain longer conversations on the “wall tile” topic.

• Another example of a concrete topic is a vacation to, say, Bali.
• Another example of a vague, broad topic is how to help kids with academics (in her mind, that means nothing but grades).
• Another example of a vague, broad topic is how to improve communications between the 2 of us.

These examples (except the “communications” topic) are some of the rather few topics of interest to her. In contrast, 90% of my favorite conversation topics (shared with my friends) are too boring to her, too abstract, too technical, too big. Though she has a diploma, her intellectual curiosity is like a high school girl. It is reflected in her conversation topics. I didn’t mention that she is interested in K-pop, shopping, make-up, and fashion for kids, but I have zero interest therein.

I said in our first chat that “meaningful conversations” is a visible weakness in this marriage. I have been disappointed too many times so I have given up on it. However, the depth of conversations (or lack thereof) in my marriage is not a serious problem.

A chatting partner is a different relationship altogether. I often have chatting partners at work or among ex-colleagues/ex-classmates. I feel intimate enough to share lots of personal thoughts, but we don’t depend on each other for livelihood.

In contrast, there are important relationships that are not built on in-depth conversations. For example, a relationship between 2 joint owners of a business, or relationship between two siblings, or relationship between a boss and her only worker (in a team of two) can all be functional, supportive, and effective despite a lack of in-depth conversations.

I agree with you that a majority of successful, fulfilling marriages feature the chatting-partner relationship, but believe it’s not a make-or-break feature.