Even if only one of these insights/habits become effective, it would change two lives — a parent’s life + a child’s life. Most parents struggle without any breakthrough, without finding any reusable solution.

— communication channel

I think David’s first priority is the comm channel with his boy. “Keep it open for as long as possible.”

• When the boy turns 16, he would be so busy that even one good chat in 2 weeks is considered a big success.
• At age 18, parents would have very little influence.

I think this channel is more critical than academics, presumably. Certainly it is more fundamental. This channel gives the parent a glimpse of the world inside the child. Based on that glimpse, there’s a hope to influence and mentor the child.

— 廉价的付出 won’t get you very far. You get the child to open up only when you give more of yourself …

— when a parent thinks the child’s action, behavior, justification,,, is completely unacceptable, with zero merit

I feel sometimes my parents would shoot me down. The child tends to shut up, perhaps after a protest or shameful retreat. Now I think such reaction, such negative experience is not necessary at home. In school or elsewhere, perhaps shoot-down is the natural and logical consequence.

David said we parent can look for some (however tiny) element of validity in the child’s rationale, and affirm it. Give the child the respect/understanding he needs.

As a kid, I sometimes felt my parents didn’t understand my arguments, or didn’t bother to understand them. But there was always, always something valid in my arguments! My friends would listen and affirm , but why my parents would refuse?

— if you want to find out 他为啥这样 （why he behaves in some way）

You would probably need to get the “why” from the kid (not from a counselor). For that, you need to invest yourself, heavily.

— schedule a time for man-to-man such as a game or a meal. I hope he looks forward to it. Even if he is not, he is more willing to commit once there is a date.